The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey all-- I am brand spanking new to this whole idea, although I have attended support groups of other kinds before now. It is with some gladness that I am joining this one, and I wonder "Why am I glad that I have a support group?" it's as if I'm glad I NEED one. I must need my head examined.
that said... my name is Woopsadaisy here, you can call me Woops. MY story is long and sad... I don't love myself. I really should, I can see why I should, but I don't, and I feel stuck and trapped in subjecting myself to men who just plain old, in one way or another, suck the life out of me. I became an RN because I figured I might as well get PAID to take care of other people's issues. I mean, if I"m going to be a do-gooder, care-taker, co-dependent type... why not take it to a professional level?
At the time, I was personally NOT co-dependent, and I fought that urge, every day, to take care of others who aren't my patients. I"m a natural empath, and that made me feel like I wasn't using a talent I had, that I have this gift from God to be able to empathize and have an abundance of compassion for others, but I wasn't using it as a "Stronger" woman. I felt like I was being seflish, and that this was not what God intended for me... eventually, it felt so good to fall back into care-taker mode with someone who needs me on a personal level, not just a professional one.
But I know the traps of this relationship... my first relationship was with a man who wasn't a drunk or a even a jerk, really-- but he ended up cheating on me, a LOT. That was many years ago, and our son is 15 now. But I was devastated that we didn't work out, that I couldn't bring myself to forgive him, that the reconciled relationship when I tried to felt just so weird and not "us".
2 years after he died, I married a friend of ours... and no sooner were we married than this man became abusive, emotionally and physically... well... that didn't last longer than 2 years. I left him Christmas Eve 2004 and moved away to go to nursing school. He wasn't an addicet and he never cheated.
In nursing school, I met a lovely semi-famous-in-certain-circles self-made millionaire and local hero who made me feel extraordinary. He was married. BUt BOY did I latch on to the ego boost I got from being with him... for a year. I suck. I knew it at the time, and I know what I did sucked then too. I was cheated on with my x...
Not long after ending the affair, I met Hands... the man I am engaged to now. He had certain problems, sure. They were evident. But I was tired of looking for someone perfect, and hewas interesting, handsome, with these big big hands... he was single, and mellow, never angry or ego- oriented. I felt I was being restored with him- he valued me for being a care taker, brought it out in me more than the married man did. I was also tired of acting like I wasn't disfunctional, or like I wasn't immoral sometimes. I mean, come on-- I just got out of a year long affair with a married man. So, I fell in love wtih a single guy, which was quite a feat in it of itself at the time because in so many ways, I wasn't open to it, I still wanted the married man to divorce his wife and marry me. I didn't commit to hands for almost a year, until I was sure I was over the MM, and when I finally ready, comitting to him with 1 year of dating him felt like a beautiful thing to do. He knew all about the cheating x, the abusive x, and the married man... he accepted me anyway. He loved me and celebrated me anyway. He's so nice, really. ANd we hit it off. We are both snowboarding instructors ( me part time) in the winters, and love to backpack and bike in the summers.... Here's the part where al-anon comes in- he smokes pot-- when it is around, he will smoke a bowl all to himself, maybe 10 times a day.
He drinks some too, but then again, so do I. I don't like to get too drunk because it interferes with my life too much... I'm into health and being active. But sometimes, at a music festival or something, I'll have too much with Hands. We have fun, and nothing weird happens.
I am in love with him, and engaged. In so many ways, he is what I need in a man. He is supportive, and kind. He is building us a house, and it's a lovely house. He and my son mutually respect one another. He knows how I feel about all the pot use, and for trips and times when we are going to be alone, he leaves it at home and we have a GREAT time.
He knows I myself dont like to drink too much, but he doesn't know that I"m concerned about his drinking. Hands is very big, physically, and I know 2 beers to him is 1 beer to me-- that isn't what bothers me... it's the fact that there have been, o, maybe 4 days in the last 6 months where he's missed out on work because of hangovers.
I am going to marry this guy and I"m wondering-- What am I setting myself up for? Will it really be that bad? Is it too late to walk away? Can he change?CAn I get him to? What if he doesn't?
He even wants to have kids with me and everything. And I can't WAIT for the rest of our lives to begin. But I"m so-- hesitant--.
Hmmmm, welcome woops. It seems like you answered some of your own questions. Can you go to face to face Alanon meetings for some insight? Lot os good books out there. Keep coming back.
I don't have much to offer, except that I knew a young man in our church choir who was very lovable. Everyone thought the world of him. He was very mellow, and had a beautiful singing voice. He was a housepainter, and people in the church would call him when they needed work done.
But he had smoked a lot of pot in previous years and it had pretty much snuffed all of his ambition, as far as anyone could tell.
When someone gave him a job and he had agreed to be there at a certain time, he might or he might not show up.
My half-nephew who is both an alcoholic and a pot-smoker is kind of scary when he is drinking. He doesn't think rationally, and believes that whatever he thinks is the way it is.
The ex-pot smoker didn't seem to have anger issues, but I wonder if he ever "manned up" and accepted responsibility. It was really sad.
Someone with more experience, perhaps can tell you what the missing work from being hungover portends. Just before I realized my husband was an alcoholic, he was starting to complain on a lot of Mondays that "something was wrong with him" and he would wonder if he had the flu. He never did miss any work, but things were starting to get pretty hairy. When I realized that he was an alcoholic, (he passed out in the middle of the day one Saturday) I asked him if he intended to continue to drink, because I needed to plan my life. He quit. Cold turkey. He never has had much recovery, but does not drink to this day. Many times I wish I had left when I was younger.
Good luck. I hope you find your way to Alanon F2F meetings, get a sponsor, work the program. If you need backup to do what is best for you, I think you will find clarity there.
Good luck, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Woops, I just reread your post. I see that you have determined that you are going to marry him. So a lot of what I said at the end probably isn't helpful to you.
As they say, take what is useful and leave the rest. I think I did answer, as far as my experience goes, what one might expect from alcoholics and pot smokers who do not get into recovery and work at it.
Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hello, and thank you. I don't know if there is a face to face group here, or if I can commit to that right now. I doubt it. I feel really good the last few days. Hands is a pot head and I accept him the way he accepts me being flawed the ways I am flawed. I feel that in the last few days my expectations of him have changed. I no longer measure him with the same yard stick I was measuring him with before-- it was causing me too much internal conflict. AND I no longer care too much about what happens to us, as a couple. I am honest in saying that I don't know if I'm up for a life with someone with these problems... the lack of ambition... it sucks. WHen my mom first met him she asked me within minutes "So how come he's not rich and famous?" at the time I was glad he wasn't (like the married man was), but looking back, I see her point-- she could tell something was up. I love my ma!
He works for himself, so it's not likehe's letting anyone, but me and himself, down when he misses working on the house. We get a little behind schedule... but I am already used to the idea that to PLAN with him is a pointless thing to do, unless the plan is immediate.
I have asked for 1 ring-- not a combination wedding/engagement. I just want one pretty ring to show I'm married and/or engaged, and he's started setting money aside for it. I also asked for an "engagement canoe" and I've seen him circling ads in the paper for used canoes (we don't have a lot of money).
I guess I'll sit back and see what happens. I haven't given him a deadline, but I have one in my head that if I can't show I'm engaged either with a canoe or a ring by fall, then I think I'll know where I stand with this relationship. MY son is not too attached to him, and lately I am blessed with the idea that I can help him lovingly becuase I would help anyone I love in the same ways... no more, no less... and in that way, I am no longer feeling compromised or like his disease is costing me too much.
I wish I was stronger like some of the women here who can say "Are you going to do that again? Because I need to plan my life" but I'm too nice/passive aggressive. Today I asked hm to throw a coke bottle out that he'd left in my car, and he said there wasn't a garbage can-- well, there was one, with a little effort of locating one was all-- and so *I* threw it away. Later, I was doing the dishes at his house and he showed me that I was using the wrong sponge... I SO wanted to be glib and say "I'll start using the sponge you want me to when you throw your things away when I ask you to." But that felt too over the top.
Thank you for welcoming me here. I am liking reading other's posts. I don't feel I have much to contribute back at the moment... I feel basically like a toddler to all this. Interpersonal relating with romance involvement is something I am SOOOOO not good at.
But I have a feelingit all has to do with boundaries. I need to get more assertive about them, without being aggressive... and for me, I have to do it *nicely*.
Ugh. Super trapped by being Miss Nurse nicey nice too much lately. Wish I could just be a bitch sometimes.
Woops, What you said about being too nice and wishing you could be a bitch is so funny. When I went to my first Alanon meetings (this was years after the question and the cold turkey) I would sit there and marvel at the sweet little women who would talk about waiting by the back door for three hours, keeping dinner warm. I was thinking, "Geesh,I'd have pitched it out into the back yard hours before that." I really felt like I didn't quite belong there. Meanwhile, husband had walked into an AA meeting, three years sober, and they didn't know what to do with him. I used to tell him that he'd have been a lot worse alcoholic if I had been a lot nicer Alanon. And he agreed. I'm not saying I am right and the sweet ones were wrong. And the reason I asked him the question when I finally realized that he was an alcoholic,is because I didn't know much about the subject (this was a LOOOng time ago), but I'had read that "Alcoholic is a game that cannot be won," and I believed it. I had no ideawhat I would do, but I knew not to stay there if things continued the way they were. I should have stayed in Alanon, or ACA, and gotten lots better once I started, , but I didn't. It has been rocky. We've had lots of dry drunk behavior on his part and a lot of resentment and anger on mine. Still, he credits me with saving his life. I know that is counter to everything that AA and Alanon teach. I don't. I helped him realize the situation and he and his HP took it from there. I don't think he is very typical as alcoholics go. Or he had a very high bottom. And I forsure don't fit the mold of most of the Alanons I have met. Stick around, you will hear froma lot of people who are much more graceful than I. I was reading recently that we will only accept as much abuse from somebody else as wedo to ourselves. I am working on taking better care of myself. Blessings, Temple
-- Edited by Temple on Thursday 23rd of July 2009 09:38:54 PM
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Temple, Thanks again. I was watching a movie just last night in which one character says repeatedly, "We get what we settle for." That is a pretty apathetic way to live, huh?! I was abused in a past relationship, and I realized quickly that old adage: first time shame on you, second time, shame on me! Very true! I didn't want to be abused, so I called the police the 4th time it happened-- it didn't happen again, but like an alcoholic, an abuser can be a "dry drunk"-- he wasn't abusing me but his patterns of thinking still were skewed into a mess of me being the bad apple and the antithesis of what he needed. In some ways, the physical abuse was easier to deal with than to constantly feel like I was the cause of all of his angst. Needless to say that marriage didn't last long. Oddly, we can stand to see each other now, and can have rational conversations, even about the abuse. He still hasn't come out and said "I was so off my rocker and WRONG to choke you. You never did anything wrong" but even if he did, it wouldn't mean anything now. It was nice to hear him say that he can see clearly that he wasn't ready for the emotions he felt for me, and that he had no business being in a relationship when we were together.
I think that for now with Hands, I am just going to live and love my life, him included. And if things work out, then they do. And if they don't-- c'est la vie. I'm not enjoying our disfunctional sex life... and I haven't told him I've joined this group. I don't feel like I need to hide this, but for now, I want to keep it to myself. It's empowering me. Isn't that cool?!
