The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok - some of you know that I'm taking those tiny steps toward divorce (and are probably thinking, 'just get on with it, already!' lol). I actually started filling out paperwork yesterday and finished transitioning my online bill pay to my new account today.
True to my codependent nature, I'm getting wrapped up in fear - 'what ifs' and projecting into the future, and second-guessing myself. I've been doing lots of reading over the past couple of weeks - both on the board and in the readers - about surrender, acceptance, humility and guilt. I found all of this material very helpful and grounding for a while.
In the meantime, my AH has drastically cut back on his drinking over the past week and a half since I met with my lawyer again (without ANY word from me, not a peep about the divorce or anything) and actually mustered up some energy to do some things around the house. He has been at our RV on the lake (about a 2 hour drive) since last Friday, which gives me some room to breathe as well. Conversations with him over the phone have me somewhat convinced that he's still not drinking as heavily as normal.
What's been throwing me for a loop lately is that just when I'm feeling totally DONE and have gathered the courage to start taking more itty bitty scary steps toward a big change, he decides to do this. If I let myself really think about it, I realize that I'm focusing on him, not me and not accepting reality. (Oh! I see resentment in that paragraph too!)
As I was writing in my journal about this, I decided to write another list - you guessed it - What is my reality? Here's what I have so far:
· I'm married to an alcoholic who may or may not choose recovery. Just because he's not been drinking heavily over the past week or so doesn't mean he won't go right back into that behavior at a moment's notice and fall back into the old patterns I have come to detest.
· I have 2 grown children who have been deeply affected by growing up in an alcoholic home.One of them has serious anger issues, the other is at risk of becoming an A. Both have been introduced to Al-Anon and hopefully will find recovery sooner than I did.
· I have a 3rd young child who is at risk of being affected by growing up in an alcoholic home.
o He is at risk whenever riding in the car when his dad is driving as dad almost always has some level of drinking going on.
Confronting AH with incident in April when I went to play Bunco resulted only in a response of "Well, I think we were pretty safe."
o He is at risk of verbal/emotional abuse - "You didn't act the way I thought you should, so we're not going to do what I promised, even though I didn't communicate my expectations to you beforehand."
o He has been witness to verbal abuse directed at me on more than one occasion. I went through my old posts as well as my journal and found quite a few occasions, to my surprise and dismay.
After attending our friend's 50th birthday party - this same incident resulted in oldest son moving out for 8 months - "Setting Boundaries or Forcing Solutions" post
4/21 incident - "Touching That Hot Stove" post 5/19 post-op incident - "Finally Realized My Denial" post
6/22 - Daughter's BF situation - "Stick a fork in me I'm DONE" post
7/4 sparkler incident - I was explicitly blamed for the fact that my son's finger got a wee bit too close to a sparkler and he suffered a very minor burn (it was fine the next day, no blister or anything, but we won't be celebrating the 4th like this again either) as well as for the time when he swallowed a quarter at age 4, and when my daughter fell out of the tree, breaking her arm. Give me a break.
· I have a habit of accepting unacceptable behavior from my AH, although I am getting better at detachment and am learning to live and let live.
· I'm a skilled, articulate, intelligent and talented person who has a well paying job that provides tons of flexibility and opportunities to learn new things.I'm well-liked and respected by my peers and management alike. People outside of my job and family like me and think I have 'sparkle'.
So what do I see in this list? For one thing, I see a pattern of at least one full blown crisis/drama per month. For another thing, I feel like this helped me gain some clarity and affirmed that I am making the right choice for me and my child.
Thanks for listening as I "talk" myself through the tangled mess of my mind! As always, feedback is truly appreciated.
Writing down incidents, our involvement, what we could have done differently etc. are great ways to see things that we may need to work on. In my humble opinion you have basically done a 4th step on this issue.
Early in my program when I would hear someone say "do a 4th step on it" I had no clue what they were talking about. Thanks to my HP today I do understand it and it is so freeing when we sit down and write it all out.
Keep at it, your on the right track.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Good for you in keeping a journal, as it gives you such a great reality check, when your emotions/fears start to take over...
I'm probably not the only one rolling my eyes here, when you are mentioning that "ever since you've shown you're serious about persuing a divorce, he's drinking LESS often than before".... I'm glad you're recognizing it for what it is - an alcoholic trying to control his drinking.... hmmm, not exactly a recipe for success. In my experience, most active alcoholics are searching desperately for one thing - to find the "minimal thing they can do, to avoid massive disruption to their lives, while still being able to feed their addiction".
My sponsor used to have to almost continually remind me to stick to the "whats" instead of the "whys" or "if onlys". Sounds to me like you are doing a good job of keeping things factual....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
wow, great post and so inspiring! Its so easy to run down that rabbit hole called F(alse) E(motions) A(ppear) R(eal) (thanks Jerry F) but if we stay RIGHT HERE, right now, if we take stock in the facts only (ALL of them, not just SOME of them), if we do not do all those booby traps and land-mines to ourselves (what ifs, future, past, etc.) we can take it one day at a time and do pretty darn nicely! hugs, J.
Oh honey I have been there and done that. Please remember that what you are doing you are doing for you and your kids. Weather your AH quits or not is not up to you. You deserve to be safe and happy. I wish you all the best. Keep coming here and posting when needed.
