The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been drinking since I've known him 20 years ago, but never excessively until about 6 months ago. At that time, it became even worse than I knew at the time. Over the course of March, April, May and June he had two hospitalizations and it became clear there was a BIG problem. In June, he agreed to go to detox and spent a week in a treatment facility. He came out full of confidence and hope, and, I believe, without a true understanding of just how bad it was and how sick he was. He was released on July 3 and has "slipped" at least three or four times since then. He always lies about it inititally, then admits he's been drinking either after he realizes I'm onto him or the next day, and is always very remorseful, claiming "I'm done, just done, DONE!". But, within days, sometimes less, he gets stressed, takes a drink, then insists the only way to calm his stomach is to have a drink.
The most disturbing thing is that he will often stop ON THE WAY HOME FROM AN AA MEETING to buy alcohol, just to settle his stomach. He's been going every day per the "90 meetings in 90 days" theory, and while it seems to help for the moment, he's still drinking!!!
I am at my wit's end. I don't know what to do, if there even is anything I can do. I try to support his efforts, but at the same time, I get really preachy and tough and cannot tolerate the drinking. I know I cannot fix it - he has to do that himself - but I feel powerless and it's tearing me up.
It is rather common for A's to go to AA and still drink. The only requirement for membership in AA is a DESIRE to stop drinking. That's it.
Powerlessness is a hard one to accept. You are powerless over your H. But your HP isn't. Let your H go....hand him over to your HP and believe he will be taken care of.
Calli you dont say if you are attending any meetings. Your husbands illness also affects the people who love him. The best way I found of supporting my partner was to go to meetings myself. It was great being able to share my difficulties with others who truley understood. I was doing all the wrong things for the right reasons. I loved him so much and I understand your pain at the powerlessness we have against this illness. I try to lead by example I go to two meetings a week come on here , read, read and read. I want to get better because this illness is also affecting the kids. As I got better my partner went to AA and has been sober for 3 months. Its still hard but we are both working on ourselves.
Hope this helps HP is your higher power what ever that may mean to you this is not a religious programme it is spiritual I believe that their is a power greater than ourselves that our lives have a path some call it fate some call it god whatever you believe in
Look after you
-- Edited by Tracy on Tuesday 21st of July 2009 01:11:06 PM
I have not gone to any independant meetings. I attended all available family and support meetings while he was in treatment. My problem is that we have two elementary age children and are already struggling with child care for him to be at daily meetings (the kids end up tagging along with me to my evening activities), and there are only two alanon meetings in my area - both at the same time as his AA meetings on those days.
Coming here has been a good first step for me. I will definately make an effort to attend a meeting in the coming week.
I'm glad he finally admitted he has a problem but it might take a while b4 he is willing to do any of the foot work to recover. Going to meeting, getting a sponsor, working the steps, applying program to your life & facing your issues & unresolved feelings is how we get better. You cant help him with his program but u can work one of your own. In al-anon, u will also learn to stop enalbing his disease & put the focus on you and your life. We who live with A's tend to lose ourselves in their disease. Focus on YOU and your needs. You are after all, the only one u can change or control anyway.
Get to a meeting & pick up the pamphlets, very useful info in there. Listen to others and share when ur ready. Getting it out, helps so much. So can be the support of others who have been where you are, we certainly understand.
This site also has a chat room with 24/7 chat & 2 daily meetings. Welocme to the MIP forum, you are not alone.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I get preachy , I understand the need to preach but it just doestn work , all it does is frustrate you makes him feel even guiltier and full of shame that he cannot control this . AA says the only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to quit drinking at least he is continuing to go to m eetings . You dont say if u attend al anon for yourself you too need to recover what your doing simply dosent work u have an oportunity to support your husb in the healthiest way possible by attending meetings learn all u can about the disease of alcoholism , forget what u think u know about this disease . Listen to people share how they changed thier lives by attending our program . There is nothing u can do about him , this is his trip allow him the dignity to do this his way . or not . Perhaps next time instead of lecturing when he slips and wants to talk about it ,simply say I am sorry u have to keep doing this to yourself and walk away , no lecture no anger a quick hug for support and leave the room. leave his dilema with h im where it belongs .
You are absolutely in the right place. I know what it is to be torn apart believe me. Al anon can really really help you. Get to as many meetings as you can, go to the online meetings here. Get the book Getting them Sober. I can't think of a better resource. Know you are not alone with this.
HP = Higher Power = God of your understanding (God, Jesus, Buddah, the group...whatever you want)
Hope that helps...the meetings here are great too. I bring all 3 of my kids to meetings with me. My oldest actually goes to alateen and the other 2 hang out in the room next to mine. Since I almost always have my kids with me, others have started bringing their kids also and my kids have made some really great friends.
Also, with the kids being there it really makes it easier to socialize with the other parents. Plus, the kids are with other kids who understand.
I bring my son to some of my meetings and nobody seems to mind. He's 3 years old, so I try to bring things to keep him entertained (coloring books, crayons, DVD player, snacks, etc.). For the most part he does pretty well and everyone always seems to understand if he gets a little restless. They understand that I need to be there and if it has to be with my son in tow, then so be it. The important thing is that I'm there. So I'm sure it'll be fine if you bring your kids to a meeting (just try to make sure they have things to keep them occupied for an hour).
