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Okay I keep trying to figure this out and am coming up no where so any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
My mom is an A. Has been for as long as I can remember. I always said especially when I first came here her drinking doesn't and has never affected me. But the more I keep coming back the more I see it really affects to the point where I can just about say I hate her. If I never had to see her again I may be better off. I am angry with her and don't know how to just let it go.
I remember when I was pretty young she was always drunk and loud at night and I couldn't sleep well on school nights. She never worked just lived off of child support and welfare. So we never got anything.
She is completely lazy. Our house was always messy growing up. She never had us to chores; or if she would we just wouldn't do it and would tell her she can't make us. As I got older she bought us alcohol and would let us drink at home. I was 16 then and she would sit and drink and try to hang out with me and my friends. She has no friends never met anyone after my dad left when I was 3.
I am 25 now and back living with her since I left my sons father. I didn't want to come back her at all, but I had no where else to go. I am thankful she lets me stay here on her dirty couch. In her dirty house. I completely scrubbed the whole damn thing the first 2 days I was here. They don't keep up with crap. My A brother lives here as well and he is just as lazy. They don't do anything no sweeping, no loading or unloading the dishwasher, no sweeping, no cleaning bathroom, literally nothing. If I don't cook and clean it just doesn't get done.
And I understand I am living here free basically so I don't mind cleaning most of the house, but it would be nice if they could help a little--not only that but if I don't load the dishwasher full enough she complains because it wastes water and electricity she has to pay. If I cook dinner or lunch for just me she complains because everyone else will have to make something which will require more electricity, more water, more dishwasher using..blah blah...she hides the paper towels so my brother can't use them--WHY buy them if they can't be used??? She complains when I use too much cleaning spray because it's expensive ($3) a bottle ..
She watches my sisters kid, but refuses to watch mine because my son is too much work. But she will sit and give them candy, treats whatever.. I feel sometimes she tries to get them to like her more than me. We leave to the grocery store today and she had to run to the car to give them a kiss and hug goodbye -- we were only gone an hour..
I know not to expect them to clean the house because it just wont happen. Someone told me if after cleanign I am resentful about it then I shouldn't do it--but it disgusts me!! That is one thing I learned from my sons father -- clean house!! And when the house is clean my day goes better just looking aroud right now I am disgusted with it. I can't stand it. So when she says something to me I am already angry it's so messy here I just go off sometimes. I just can't stand it.
I can't even take a shower unless my 20 month old is sleeping because she wont watch him. He is too much work and gets into everything. Well yeah here he does because they don't pick up crap.
She got my daughter to hate my sons father just because she didn't like him..not sure why he never did anything to her. She would sit and tell my daughter he drinks all the time and go on and on..If you ask my daughter why she doens't like him she will say because grandma doesn't. But when she drinks she will pour the beer into a big mug
So briefly (yeah looks long but that's just briefly what it is) I have been thinking about allt his lately trying to see what I get so angry. If I have the right to, how I can make it change. That's where I need some ESH. I keep thinking HP has me here for a reason so I can have a better relationship with her, but I think I have so much hate it's not possible somedays.
The neighbors can even see it. I've talked to one a bit about our relationship and he says I need to have respect for her she is my mother and he would never say things to his mother that I say to mine. I know the past week or two I have REALLY been trying to let her words in one ear and out the other--but she just doesn't shut up. She plays the victim, tries to control constantly. Everytime she drinks she is ANGRY.
I guess in a way I would like to be able to separte her from the disease like I can with most other A's in my life, but I just feel she has done soo much in the past to make me hate and have no respect for her.
She constantly tells me EVERYTHING like right now as I am typing she is telling me how much she fed my sisters kid, how many diapers she changed, what she did all day--UM I've been here all day duh I know..I am just ignoring her nodding my head here and there and she wont stop.
So how the heck do I get past this all?
I am trying my to get out of here--called about 10 places today for apartments, emailed a couple I found online... Got denied for all the others I applied at. But at times I think HP may want me to stay here till I can get past this anger with her.. I don't know..
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Melissa, so sorry about your situation . You will pull out of it I'm sure. Either you will find that apt you need...or in the meantime if it were me I would get out of there and take the kids as often as possible....get some air, out and about just to give yourself lots of breaks. This is my best for now :) pw
I grew up ACOA and now I am in my mid-30s. It took me a long time to see the effects of alcoholism, too. When I got into a serious relationship was when I first started to see some of the crazy behavior patterns that I picked up growing up with an Alcoholic dad. It can still be hard to go home even though the active alcoholism is long gone (my parents are now divorced), so I can imagine living at home for an extended period of time with an active drinker is a serious challenge.
You know, I don't know your HP, but one thing I learned about my HP is that my HP does not put me in situations to teach me a lessen or watch me suffer. I don't think you're HP has put you there to teach you a lessen or to watch you suffer in difficult circumstances, either. Maybe another way to think about it is that regardless of where you are you are there to learn more about the touch, feel, and experience of your HP. Maybe talk to your HP and tell your HP exactly what is going on. "I am exasperated with my mother, I hate this house, etc." and see what your HP says. And/Or ask your HP to "Show me who you are even in these difficult circumstances". There's that slogan that we use in Alanon which is to "look up". For me, it means instead of getting lost in anger and resentment, I look up at the trees or the flowers or something that I am grateful for. Take a few minutes EVERY day to connect with your HP, maybe even several times a day.
When I go home, here are some additional things I do:
1. I Make a list of all Alanon meetings and go as often as I can 2. Have my books near by for reading Alanon Literature 3. Create a list of activities that I enjoy and try to do one thing I enjoy off the list. 4. Create a list of Plan Bs - For instance, if I come in and my mom is yelling, I will go to the park or if I come in and the place is a wreck, I will go take a walk 5. I make plans with friends 6. I get music (free from the library) to listen to and books, too to read to distract me.
I like to think about life as multiple TV stations. I can either tune into the station with the messy house and the A parent, or I can change the channel to maintain my serenity and go to the park channel by going to the park or to the library channel by going to the library, etc.
I try to remember, the SERENITY CHANNEL is ALWAYS available, I just have to choose that channel and tune in to it :)
My sponsor tells me that new behavior takes practice and so I try to remind myself each day to practice these new behaviors.
I'm sorry you are so frustrated right now, going through this. What I know, is very simple - what we focus on grows. You're staying on the sofa, not even a room to call your own - that must be really tough. Right now, you are seeing them, the mess & your resentments. Since you prefer to clean & have it that way, clean & then spend time with your feelings. Dig into the resentment & anger and try to go back to some unresolved feelings to work on them. I know for me, a lot of the resentment I had were stemming from much deeper things. When I got to work on them, found a probably source, resolved that old experience - it has less ability to effect me in the here & now and it lost it's power and I was no longer seething with hatred for my mom or her choices or her AH & his choices. I also saw them as scared, helpless, confused people that made bad choices or got over whelmed, just like I did.
I know when I'm positive things work out much better & it seems like I have more opportunities than when I'm angry or unforgiving. As the old southern saying goes, 'you attract more flies with honey that vinegar.' So whatever you can do to work out negative emotions/energy and get to more positive ones, really helps in every way, it feels better & life become more productive & efficient.
Finding other & more things to be grateful for too, helped me & allowed me to feel more positivity & less negativity. You say you are grateful to be living there for free, I'm sure u can think of much more to be grateful for there. It may sound trite, but it really helps/works.
Focus on you & what u can do to empower yourself and what u want to grow/manifest for you & your kids lives. As abbyal says, "Bloom where you are planted." If you can detach & find serentiy there, you will be able to have that anywhere you go & always. Yes, this is challenging but you can do it. I do agree with blue cloud too, ask HP some questions, u just may get useful, helpful answers.
Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
there is a group here that deals with ACA issues. I know ACA (Adult chidren of alcoholics helped me a lot). I spent a lifetime resenting my family of origin and was completely enmeshed with them. Sorting it all out takes a while but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Expecting anything much from an active alcoholic is setting yourself up. I know the need is there and the want is there but they can't meet them.
Can you get a pack & play for the baby? That way when he's in there he wouldn't be getting into stuff, and you could have a little more flexibility on when you could take a shower. If freecycle.com is active where you are, maybe you could find one there. Or there might be a cheap one on ebay or craigslist.
