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My father was an alcoholic. He passed away last year (not due to alcoholism). He stopped drinking 20 years ago which is good. In some ways, throughout my life, I felt I had a better relationship with my father than my mother which confuses me, considering he was the alcoholic not her. Our relationship got so bad that at one stage I did not talk to her for quite a few years. We had a reconciliaton, and things got better but even now things are not brilliant. I feel we have very little in common and I hardly know what to say to her.
I am not an alcoholic, but in a lot of ways I am more like my father. He was very easy going and never got wound up over things. He was not very strict whereas my mother was and that is one of the main reasons why we fell out. She is a perfectionist and I could never match her expectations. My Dad was more relaxed about things.
I think living with an active alcoholic is enough to have persnality changes in a lot of people. I'm glad your dad sobered up and you had a relationship with him that worked. I think that is more than most adult children of alcoholics have.
Hello Newbie, You feel that you and your mother have very little in common. For starters, y'all have something huge in common. You both share the painful loss of someone you love. For you, it's your father, the man who was suppose to be there for you all your life. For her, it's her husband, the person who was suppose to be with her and protect her. You don't know where to start, how about starting the conversation off with, "Mom, I miss Dad so much." You will be surprised how many doors that will open for you and her.
It will be 20 years this October that my dad passed. Many years my mom and I didn't have anything in common. But now, we are close and have much in common. The man we both loved the most in life is gone and we miss him. My Father, Her Husband. Luckily for us, we can share our memories.
Saying I miss my dad to my mother is not enough. You dont know my mother and you dont know me. I cannot say these things to her. It will not make any difference. She does not miss him. In fact she already indicated that by sayng to me that she is glad he is dead. Mine and my mother's relationship is long gone. I visit her from time to time but we are more like acquaintances than mother/daughter. I am not upset about the situation. I just face facts that we are not close, never have been and never will be. Now that I realise that, I can get on with my life without wishing/wondering and hoping that she and I can have the sort of relationship that I had with my dad. He and I used to laugh at things, talk about things like holidays and music. You see, he had experienced these things so we were able to talk about them. When I went to America (I am from the UK) my dad could understand because he has been to the USA. He has also be around Europe so when I used to tell him about places I want to visit or have visited he used to relate to them because he had been there too. That is how we bcame close and my mother not. She has not had a very good life, been nowhere so I feel I cannot talk to her properly about stuff. I do try and tell her things that I am doing but she does not really take much notice. She is polite and listens but doesnt comment. I said in one of my other posts, that she is cold. In all my years, she has never hugged me voluntarilly, I do not ever hear from her that she loves me. I have a best friend and she is always telling me she loves me and that she misses me. I NEVER hear that from my mother. All my mother has ever done is try to control me and then when I object, she tells me how ungrateful I am because she has bought me stuff as a child like lots of toys and clothes, but I dont want lots of toys or clothes. I would have preferred a mother who told me she loved me and not tried to be manipulative to me all the time. that would mean more to me than any amount of toys or clothes. You cannot buy your childs affections. I am sorry but I just face up to the sorry situation that we have not and never will be close and I dont even want to try to get close as it is too late for that now. We have different personalities. I read the serenity prayer which says,,, accept the things that cannot be changed.. well I do accept it, me and my mothers relatonship cannot be changed so its a waste of time trying. I only wanted to put it out on here because I am the daughter of an alcoholic and find myself gravitating more to the alcoholic than the non (father more than mother). I just wondered if I had inherited some of the alcoholic traits to make me lean more towards my father albeit I dont drink and am not an alcoholic. They do say that it could be heriditary
-- Edited by newbie46 on Tuesday 21st of July 2009 03:08:46 AM
Newbie I can relate to your post in many different ways, my mother is very controlling and we do not have alot in common. I know she loves me even though she has never hugged, kissed or told me she loves me. She looks after my kids and does little things that show she cares but no affection. I try not to take this personal as I know her mother was like this with her, she just carnt be warm and caring. Even when my first son died when I was 21 she never hugged me but I understand she cared but just carnt its alien to her. She was reared by a controlling mother who was married to a drinker. My mother was very close to her dad he was fun too. I was married to a complusive gambler for 17 years and my current partner of 4 years has just gotten sober. So I know your mums side too. When you live with someone who hasan addiction you become just as sick as them. You could see your father drinking but your mums pain is invisible. I tried to control and fix everything around me because I couldnt fix my husband or current partner. Everyone I met I took charge trying to change their lives. To them I must have look bossy but really I thought I could help. Your mum is sick and angrey, I pray for her I have been where she is and it is a horrible place to be. Dont take it personally this disease has affected both of you. Keep coming back I was very angrey and ready to end certain relationships but Al anon has given me a greater understanding now I can make healthier choices and get all the love and support I need from my al anon family.
Hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest
HI and welcome , your post is not unusual alot of children have better relationship with the alcoholic , kids accept them no matter what . I have been involved with alateen for yrs and was often amazed that the kids were more angry at the non drinking parent than the alcoholic . which also proved to be the case in my own home . Your mom is an untreated al anon , no recovery anger and resentment cause us to change too , we become aloof , isolated and feel alone , the alcoholic sobers up and were supposed to be okay ??? NOT Have some patience she has alot of baggage to express , your parents reltionship is diff than that of a child , you have no idea what your mom felt durring the drinking years or how she was treated in private .. As u read some of the posts here from wives of alcholics it may shed some light on how she felt . A little compasssion goes along way to healing a relationship . good luck Louise
Life with an un-treated Al-Anon can be just as harrowing as life with an Alcoholic.
One of the things I've been learning from coming to the meetings is that the family relationships can take time... lots and lots and lots of time... to heal. And the healing can really only start from within. I've learned I can't wait for my mother or father or AH to come to me and make an amends so I can start to feel better.
I have to turn that relationship over to my Higher Power... and even more importantly, I have to be willing to turn that relationship over to my Higher Power. When I stop trying to make things happen - make someone understand my hurt, for instance - then I finally allow my HP to take over and begin healing me from within. And it doesn't come overnight. It takes time, but I do honestly start to notice a gradual change in my perspective and how I interact with those people.
I'm experiencing that now with my AH. I am officially working Step Three, and this is such a gigantic, but liberating step. Turning my will over to my HP... which means I'm turning over all my fears, expectations, hurts, etc. regarding my AH over to the care of my HP. It's slowly starting to get better for me. The sadness still comes up... but the best I can say is it's just getting better... for me... because I'm working on the healing from within... not waiting for my AH to do... whatever it is I wish he'd do.
In that case you could say I am an untreated Alanon too. I have not had very much to do with Alanon. I have tried a few meetings but never seriously joined Alanon. The meetngs I went to, I did not feel comfortable in. I am not the wife of an alcoholic so when they were sharing I felt I could not relate to what was being said. I then found a group for children of alcoholics (ACCOA), But hardly anyone used to go to meetings and I could not spare the time to go and it eventually closed down due to lack of members. I only found this online site because I was looking for answers for my mothers reaction to my fathers death which I found upsetting. If it wasnt for that, I would not be here now and thats a fact.
You'll find that many people who are spouses of alcoholics are also children of alcoholics or parents or siblings of alcoholics.
I nearly bolted out of an Al-Anon meeting that was focused towards Adult Children because at the time, I didn't feel I grew up with alcoholism... even though I knew my mom was an alcoholic, but she'd been sober most of my life (from since I was 2 years old, in fact). I felt I had a good childhood growing up with my parents, but the more and more I attended the meetings the more and more I could see how alcoholism affected me, regardless how "healthy" I thought my family was. Alcoholism stretches far and wide on my family tree... on both sides of the family, in fact.
Anyhow, what convinced me to stay was when they read the 20 questions "Did you grow up with a problem drinker" pamphlet at the beginning of the meeting. I could answer "yes" to around 16 of the 20 questions.
Check out the 20 questions for yourself... there's a couple of them, actually:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/S25web.html and http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/S17web.html
