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Okay this is just something that irritates me and would like to know if anyone else had a similar problem that could share what they did.
My sons father constantly says he will come this day, or this time to see our son. Half the time he doesn't show up or even call or he is really late or really early. He comes at his own convenience when his new girl friend is at work. He told me in the beginning he would never put her before our son, but I feel he is. He has the weekends off and rarely comes on the weekends--she gets weekends off too.. I know not to expect anything, but I often plan around when he is coming because I know my son wants to spend time with him.
For example Saturday he came over (which he NEVER calls just shows up). Well my son was napping and I was cooking dinner so I asked him to come back an hour later. He comes back 2 hours later -- not a big deal but we did agree on one hour. I just let it go.
Then I just so happened to mention something about beer (he is on antabuse and been sober for 11 days) he looked like he wanted to kill me. I said I was sorry and didn't realize it. So then he said he had to go home to take anatabuse to make sure he didn't drink and would be back in an hour or so. Well it was 7pm already and I said well I need to know for sure if you can't make it back in an hour just don't come because it's late and our son usually is in bed by 8, but I was willing to let him stay up later to play outside since it was still nice out. So A said that was fine he would be back in an hour.. He never came, never called. Still 3 days later never came, never called..
I konw he is dealing with a lot from stopping drinking. But since I left this is how it has been. But it just irritates me that he says he will be coming and then doesn't. So when he does come half the time I have no clue until he shows up.
So I guess my concern is if I should say something about this? I try to just let it go since he stopped drinking and I am trying to be more nice, but in the end he is only hurting our son. I just was thinking about saying something like you MUST call before coming (I've said this MANY times before he just says I don't have a phone you took it--well you didn't pay the bill) , maybe you should write out a schedule of the times you can come see him and be consistent.
I don't necessarily expect him to come when he says he is because I know not to have expectations, but it's getting annoying after so much of him not showing up.
And another thing that bothers me I try to let go is he always asks me for money. WHY?? He isn't even paying child support yet, he has a job, pays nothing for us (besides diapers twice a month), tells all his friends how this new girl has lots of money and a big house. I just started working- don't have my own place yet and am always broke. I don't give him money, but he will go on and on and not drop the subject and I am tired of it! After all he has done how can he have the nerve to ask me for money???
It's a lot different now that he is sober. I don't know how to act around him, what to say or not to say. I know he is going through a lot, but we are also. He told me Saturday this was really hard on him when he was drinking and now he is sober and it hurts him even more...Well how the heck does he think we feel? We have been sober this whole time..Him being selfish ..
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I wouldnt focus on what he says or does, I know that is hard when u have plans. You say u know he sometimes shows up, sometimes doesnt. Try to stick to your plans and dont plan anything around ur AH. You may have to take a mor relaxed attitude when u do set plans with him. It is important that u keep ur kids on a schedule. If he shows up in time, great, if not it's his loss.
As far as money goes, he's an A, it goes with the territory, just like being flakey with plans & the like. They arent very "considerate" people. Do what u have to do to take care of YOU & the kids. If the dad shows up & it's still a good time, great. If they're sleeping or it's bed time, whatever - his loss. Kid's lives go by pretty fast. He will be the one that loses out, u & the kids dont have to wait around for him or have ur lives distrupted by him.
Once I was able to stop being so reactive - leave their stuff with them - & just focus on me, my feelings & my issues - I was free to pursue my own life. I created boundaries and was able to follow through & that gave me a lot of freedom and some self esteem back. You dont need him, but it is his responsibility to see his kids and for that matter, pay for them.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi Mel - well 11 days is not quite stopping drinking but its still better than drunk anyday. Your son will eventually realize that his father is unreliable and cannot be counted on to keep his word . Don't plan your day on his arranged visits , tell him that if he dosent show up at agreed time u are going to go out and get on with your day . and do it . his behavior is still controlling your life , its still all about him and his convience with no regard to you . If we want respect we have to ask for it and boundaries are the way to get the results u want .It won't take ex long to figure out that your serious and u are not putting your life or sons on hold until he gets his priorities in order. A relationship with thier father is what we all want for our kids , but sometimes the sooner reality sets in the better. Don't make excuses to your son when daddy dosent show up as planned and always have a back up plan , plan B some plans for things you and your son can do together will keep him occupied .
This is off the top of my head--no experience with this at all.
The next time and every time he starts asking YOU for money, I wonder what would happen if you were to mention that you certainly could use child support for the son. Or "No, I was just going to ask you." If that doesn't work, start naming all the things you need for the child and how much they cost. I don't see that you need to stand there and allow him to make you feel uncomfortable. And he will, if he gets by with it.
I agree with what Kitty said. As much as you can, just go ahead and live your life. If he wants to come on a certain day, you could say that is fine as far as you know, and if he gets there before you go out, and before the baby's bedtime, fine. And then if something comes up that you want to do, do it, because you have no idea if he will show or not, and if he does, when. If you could just not make any appointments for when he is to come, then you won't be anticipating his coming. And just be as pleasant as heck if he gets upset if he feels that HE is being horsed around. You wouldn't be doing that--you'd just be doing what is best for you and therefor, what is best for your son.
If someday he should miraculously become dependable, then you could modify your behavior.
I resent it when somebody who is irresponsible is even MORE irresponsible because I am conscientious.
I wanted so very much for my daughter not to be at the affect of her ex-husband. To take her sails out of his wind, as Dr. Dreikers of the Natural Consequences used ro say.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Aloha Mel...I just learned how to keep my reactions to myself and just respond to the situation simply. I learned how to say, "That is not acceptable for me" without yelling it or creating chaos. After I said it I would do as much of a detachment as I could at the time or else I was certain to have more to add to the fire. I also learned to expect her alcoholic behavior (drinking or not it is still alcoholic behavior) and "act as if she would continue to act that way"...no surprises.
