The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I been with my AH for 32 years. He used to be abusive I stayed because that is what I grew up with. I know now that is not what I want in my life any more. He is a functioning A he works and works OT makes good money. But he got quiet now Like he is in his own little world. I feel so alone. I have all boys they do not want to come home beause of him. I also have 3 grandkids if I want to see them I have to go there. I feel like its so lonely now and my kids are growing up too. This is one thing he says now is WHO AM I HURTING ! I even had to think yeah WHO coz I been in it so long who is it hurting. Me for a long time The kids. Can't he see he is hurting his family he is not there for us in any way. He goes to change his clothes to going out side and drinking his beer till he can't walk in, or he will go on the computer and playgames with people online all night . He can talk to them go figure but not his family, I don't get it. I hate looking at him. I know alot of this now comes from my childhood memories whit my dads drinking. I feel like I'm living my moms life all over again. I know I'm skipin all over here but Just had to talk it out tonight. Sometime feel crazy or just can't think. Someone said to me the other day why am I staying I said $$ then I thought NO its the dreams of perfect family and home fear of abandoment. Gosh I hate this diease it hurts everyone. I feel like I had the boys watch this for all these years and for them this is the norm but its not. I don't want them going into this same pattern I feel like I failed them . Thanks for letting me vent I love you guys, and this board.
Love Deb
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I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
I personally dont think our abusers ever realize how they have hurt us or how old wounds continue to keep the past alive. I am sure from the abusive suffered as a child, u have some unresolved feelings there. Our feelings dont go away, they fester. For me, in working a program here, steps, meetings, even therapy with psychologists, well in time I was able to deal with my past wounds. At one point, they were just bubbling up, I did not have to dig very far to find them.
I hope u can work on you, focus on you. I understand the pain of lonliness. As an only child, I was an excruciatingly lonely teenager. I had a huge void.
Twnety years later, as an adult, I got busy working to discover self love, something I didnt get modeled or told about as a child. I was clueless & being "kind & gentle" to me was foreign, I had some pretty self destructive ways. I had to re-program my mind & it filtered into my life.
When I got busy actually loving myself - that void disappeared. It took time, patince & practise but today I can freely say, "I do love myself" and a few years ago, I could not have said that.
At that time, I also realized that I had been abandonning myself for 25 years. Once I loved me & was there for me - the abandonnment issue seemed to dissolve. I did have other fears but that one - was gone. Again, I do believe fear comes when we stare at the future. Get into now, focus on now and in time u will find happiness & peace.
I spent a lot of time in this forum, at the online meetings & then staying to chat with other members. I still do it, to this day. It helps ground me, I can share my feelings & issues & am understood and supported. Plus other ppl often have an idea I had not yet considered.
Find things u like to do, develop new interests. Get to meetings & meet people face to face, u may find a friend & then u can do things with others as well. I felt lonely until I found the MIP chat room. I was never alone with my community of cyber al-anon friends, even though I was home alone. Our feelings make up our perceptions. You can change your feelings and your perceptions. But our self talk influences us a lot. my self talk used to be very negative. Not anymore today. You can change too -- I know, b/c if I could, anyone can. Lean on us for support & love until u can love yourself. I did & it works.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am sorry you are hurting. Here's the thing about his disease: it doesn't let him see how much he is hurting the family. The disease only knows one goal: to get as much drink or drug in him. It doesn't matter if he's a functioning A. So was mine.
The question needs to be asked: What are you doing to take care of you? I sure hope you are getting to meetings and working on you and what's important to you. Remember recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
What a lot to contend with. I certainly know about the staying. I stayed 7 years, 6 plus years more than I should have. I know I never got anywhere by beating myself up. Really working the program diligently helped me. I worked the steps and started changing me. Is my life better, certainly in some aspects it is, in others it is much much harder. Leaving is a huge undertaking. None of us do it easily. I know why I stayed I no longer think I know why others do. I also know in order to leave I leaned on this group very very heavily and a therapist and whatever resources I could find.
Be kind to yourself and know this is a safe place for you to come to explore your options. None of them are easy, none of them is what we want to do, but in time it can be that we take better options for ourselves rather than hold onto a dream.
I feel that my AH is functioning A......he owns his own business and works hard; but by 4pm he has started drinking his JB on the rocks. And sometimes we are not talking a small glass but a large, he drinks for about 3 to 4 hours, or until i fix dinner. THe weekends are worse to me, Fridays and Saturday nights he wants to just completely cut loose. He thinks because he has worked hard all week that he deserves to treat him self to a good meal and drinks, maybe even some dancing. I just hate going because i know the out come. I don't hide my feelings very well and he knows that i am discussed. I have an extremely hard time showing any kind of affection towards him, he wants sex all the time and i don't. I have lost those feelings and don't want that type of relationship with him. I do feel like i have removed myself from the emotional part of this marriage. He knows this as well, i get told often that i am cold and have no compassion, and that he's lonely and desepartely in need of attention. Which he says causes him to be angry and fustrated. THus resulting in the verbal abuse that me and the kids live with.
Shame on me.......that's what i get told. But the only shame i feel is for not getting my kids out and into a more healthy enviornment.
I pray daily that God wil give me that strength to resue myself and the kids from this dysfunction.
Thanks to all on this message board for the words of encouragement.
