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My husband has been inactive for only 18 days for the first time in 35 years. I have only known him 10 years and during this time he has never gone any longer than 3 days without drinking. I realize now that the withdrawl symptoms were too much for him to bare so he went right back to it. He finally admitted his problems and did all the leg work to admit himself into detox and then in-patient treatment. As I mentioned above, this is his 18th day in. I am so proud of the fact that he finally found the courage to admit that it was destroying his life,and those of others, but I am finding it very difficult to accept the fact that he still feels the need to lie to me. Speaking with him earlier today resulted in yet another lie. Do they not counsel to be honest, ecspecially to those that love them? How do I continue my marriage to this man if he is going to continue to lie to me? It hurts so much when he does. I am working on my first step at present, but still can't handle the lies. Please help..
First of all Welcome you are just where you need to be for you. Lies are just plain human nature for the addict, it comes naturally.....it becomes a way of life. You said, he has been doing this for 35 yrs well don't expect miracles over night dear friend. You should be proud of him for doing it himself, going to rehab he will learn the tools there that he needs to help him on the right path. He did not become addicted overnight and after 35 yrs he has a lot of work to do.
Easy does it and slow and sure. I know how it hurts when someone we love lies to us however, try and work on you and change how you handle the situation.
I will keep you in my prayers, you have found a whole new family who will be here for you. If you can find an alanon meeting near you and give it a try.
He is working on him you have to work on you after 10 yrs you are programed to being a co-dependent of this awful disease.
It takes time but some do make it and I am praying that he is one of them.
thank you Andrea..... I have been to 6 face to face meetings so far and seeing a bit of difference in myself already.... It gives me so much more peace of mind when I leave those rooms.
I can relate. My A drank for 20 years and quit 10 days ago. And it's like he even lies more now. We aren't living together now, but I've been told 3 different stories as to why he quits and he told me without me asking.
So finally one day last I asked him why do you have to keep lying to me (he lied often while we were still together to) we aren't together just tell me the truth. He says well why do you want to know ... Well I guess I don't have to know, but don't sit and lie about everything. Just don't bring it up or something.
He lies about the littlest things sometimes and I just don't understand it. Part of the disease I guess. My sponsor always told me; try not to waste time figuring out the alcoholic because you may never figure it out.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Malady, the first thing you must learn is that if his lips are moving, he is lying! Alcoholics drink and they lie. These two facts are indisputable. I found the lying a bit easier to deal with once I accepted this truth. He knows he is lying, and I know he is lying. One less argument.
Welcome to MIP. COme here often. AlAnon meetings too if you can get to them. All will help you clear your mind, and gain the peace you need to go about your day serenely.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I found my ex-AH told so many different lies to so many different people that he didn't know what the truth was any more. What he SAID didn't matter - I paid more attention to what he did.
Trust has to be earned. And every time it's broken, it's takes more time and honesty to earn it back. I can't imagine ever completely trusting or believing my ex-AH again.
How can you tell if an alcoholic's lying? His/Her lips are moving...
Aloha Malady...and welcome. As was already suggested this will not go away overnight. I put my alcoholic wife thru torture with my self righteous and perfectionistic attitude and character. I wanted out of her what I couldn't give myself and I blamed her for things I later had to admit in myself. One of the things was lying. It simply came out this way...She lied for the same reasons and motivations that I did when I lied. Mostly out of fear of or fear from...whatever. I once read something in one of our daily readers (The ODDAT) that I would agree to do anything to help her get sober except get off of her back. She became afraid of hurting me and making me angry if she told me the truth and she became afraid of how she would appear one more time again. If I use the saying that you can tell when an alcoholic is lying because their lips are moving...that is a severe judgement and a addictive mindset. If I took and held that attitude what opportunity or reason would any alcoholic have for even responding to the question, How are your doing? Yes I use to exercise power over the alcoholic until I admitted I was powerless over her and the fatal disease and had to answer the question...What is my part in it? When one finger is pointing outward...three are point back. Just a metaphor for responsibility. I have listened to and had to admit myself many times that we get just as sick as the alcoholic...
Do not expect a change between a day and night; it took me about 6 months to really stop lying. The disease consist of fear, celf centerdness, i always was on drugs so i can deal with other ppl; it was like Heroin or Alcohol gives me the courage to do this. So imagine that the essential element that use to makes me do this disapear, do you think that i will be able to confront or facing other ppl? That's exactly the way with ur husband. Another thing, normal ppl fall a lot in this trap, the expectations; my family thought that because i've been sober for 15 days that i became the old me again; it was like now he will not lie, he will be normal....etc All these expectations from them + my inner fears + my negative feelings of not be able to satisfy them lead me to relapse!! So just take it easy, beleive me it is a huge step to quit, just keep it simple and with Steps, program, meetings, sponsors everything will be fine with him. Try to look at the brighter side of the things; the guy finally quit after 18 years, do not expect him to be an angel in 18 day :) God help him and bless both of u.
Welcome , try and be patient 18 days seems like alife time to an alcoholic , he is filled with shame , guilt and remorse , probably dosne't recognise truth yet . Keep working on yourself get to as many f2f meetings as u can while he is in treatment , sobriety is not easy for either one of you. You in my opinion are supporting his effort in the best way possible by finding your own program - as he heals he will begin to recognise the truth and risk sharring it . Keep your expectations low and your going to be just fine . I always expected my husband to act n ormally , big mistake on my part . Enjoy sobriety keep the focus on yourself and leave him to God and AA .
I know what this feels like to be lied to, time and time again - it hurts.
I also know that my part in the lies, is that I look for them, even sometimes encourage them. I've become such a "bully" that even if my aH feels like being honest, I believe my self righteous and judgmental attitude can quickly take away any confidence he may have had in the truth. Sometimes I think he lies because he thinks it might please me more than what the truth might.
My sponsor has also recommended to me that I don't ask questions, when I know my aH or anyone else is lying. Instead of "why did you do that?" I might be better served with saying nothing (which as a Mouthy Betty, is a tool that I need to learn to apply whenever possible) or " I see you __________ and I just want you to know that I felt _____________". And then leave it. Let go.
I tend to over lecture in an effort to verbally beat some sense into my aH. I am known to create very quick (and very lengthy) sermons on positive character traits (self righteousness) and how he should be conducting his life. Leaving my aH feeling completely unworthy I am sure, and me feeling like a bully. No one wins there.
My A is my son.... he was recently dry for almost 4 months he is now active
He has been lying for years..... he wasnt very good at it in the beginning but has, over the years honed his skills to a T. The tougher he builds that protective shell the harder it is for him to let the cracks appear....this would mean revealing his vunerability...facing his fears....finding the courage to change. He has never stayed in programme long enough to truly let go of the lies and start to face the fear and begin to heal.
You would think that once they begin to work a programme of recovery the light bulb would come on and.... hey presto!...Sadly not in my experience with my son..... seems to be he goes for so long and then hits a barrier and starts drinking again....he struggles tremendously and punishes himself when he fails...guilt, remorse, self hatred.....no need for me to add to his pain......I found if I questioned or had expectations he went into protective mode...barriers were raised, the lying began again.... resentment would build on my part. I am learning, slowly, odat, to detach....I no longer expect anything..... I mind my own business and let him get on with his..... I dont set myself up to be lied to so he no longer lies to me.
Thank you everyone... Your insight and encouragement are Heaven sent. With this advice I will apply myself to try harder to let him be who he wants to be. It will be hard, but from what I am reading, each day it will become easier.
Here we say, 'watch with your eyes' meaning we watch behavior, we dont listen to all the flowery words. I am very very literal & analytical, so the words would get to me. The lies drove me crazy too. Well... what we focus on grows - if I keep focusing on someone else - I essentially continue to diminish. Today I focus on me. I am all I can control or change. I know what the truth is. I used to have to grind my point in -- now I no longer have the need to prove I am "right" or what the truth is to everyone. I had to learn to control those things in me that were being triggered... in time I learned to disentangle that trigger so I dont get irritated at all anymore -- see, I was being irritated constantly & always would focus on others & that was not living.
Focus on you & in time you will gain loving detachment from what ur AH is or is not doing. Focsu on YOU, so u can grow *smiles*
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This is a hard one. My AH (now dry drunk) told so many lies, I was sick to my stomach. We ended up in marriage counseling and I FREAKED on some lies that were so minute, but in my eyes SO large. Lying breaks trust...PERIOD! I fully believe that is one huge reason that it's next to impossible to fully trust in an alcoholic. The problem is if our trust is broken over and over, it breaks down the marriage. For me, that happened BIG TIME.
Anyways, my freak outs maybe helped. If I KNEW he lied, I confronted him, but if I couldn't prove it, I "let it go" - what helped me in letting go was knowing WHY he was lying. First, I knew he hated conflict, so I had to evaluate why he though conflict would arise. Second, I knew he wasn't very confident, so lying was easier in his mind than truth. Truth, sometimes can make us uncomfortable.
Now, if I know he's lying, I have to really evaluate, "if it's worth it?" The reason is, I fully believe we all lie to some extent. We lie to avoid the truth, because sometimes it hurts us or someone else. I'm not perfect. I lie on occassion too. I don't condone it but UNDERSTANDING why someone lies, helped me tremendously. Focussing on my husbands lies, is NOT focussing on me and my self growth. If I feel truly affected, hurt and can prove a lie, I may confront it, but I find most situations don't warrent it.
Since I have adapted this attitude, my husband lies less, OR LOL...maybe I'm just not as sensitive to it, either way, *I'm* in a MUCH better place and more healthy for it.
The ex A I was with for 7 years lied and lied and then lied some more. He would lie then cover it up with another lie. The issue was I was always absolutely totally devastated. I would be sucked in by his manipulation. These days when I am around any alcoholic I expect them to lie. I know they do.
I can understand the devastation. I know detaching from the ex A was one of the hardest things I ever did but so so necessary. Please think about working on that. I think any focus on will they recover, when will they, can they is a waste of time. The focus is on them. The focus has to be on ourselves, its all good if they get better. The issue is they may well not and what then? I no longer allow anything to affect my life in the same catastrophic way the ex A did. It took me 3 long years here to get to the point of being willing to detach. I had to get absolutely sick to the stomach to do it.
I can completely understand. My AH just got out of 21 days in rehab. Lying was the biggest issue when he was drinking....he never drank out in the open......always hidden and always lied about it.
Unfortunately, Rora, I'm like you. I've tended to badger and badger and badger him to get to admit he lied.......truly no one wins. This happened last night when I thought he was drinking (4 days out of rehab). He probably was and I handled it poorly.......more reason for him to not open up to me in the future.
We have work to do together.......I have faith in my marriage and my husband. I know I need to change my attitudes and my ways.
I don't have the answer here, but can simply relate.......trying to teach myself patience......with me and with him
He's doing the right work, putting himself in rehab.......trust that the rest will follow.....and know that I'm here dealing with the same thing.
My soon to be ex-husband is a dry drunk who is now living with his mistress. He continues to lie to me every time we communicate. I only realized recently that he has always lied - big lies, small lies, what seemed like silly lies.
It is only while working on myself through my recovery that I have realized my role in the deterioration of our relationship. I would either ignore his lies or freak out in a crying, screaming rage at the more hurtful and obvious lies. Each day and hour I struggle with understanding the three "c"s and recognizing the lies as manifestation of the disease.
I know that I am on the journey of recovery but must work at it each moment for the sake of myself and my wonderful son.
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"Forgiving is not forgetting. It is letting go of the hurt."
