The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Alright, so he "stopped" drinking last week but has had 2 slips since then. The most recent being last night. With that drink came resentment. I assume toward me, for our separation last year. Our oldest son has not talked to him for over a year. I could explain it to my AH but choose not to. The resentment only comes out when he drinks. I can't and won't explain anything to him when he is drinking. I haven't made an announcement to that affect but it is a boundary I hold tight to. I t has created bad situations in the past and I just don't want to deal with that. I could take the initiative and speak to him before he drinks or if he "stops" again. Drunken resentment is not my thing. It gets way too ugly. I just don't know how to handle this situation and there is always the chance he understand perfectly why our son has not spoken to him and he just has resentment. I don't know. But I really do not look forward to discussing it with him or even if I should discuss it with him. It is just frustrating and I also feel like if I explain it to him then he will want to make contact with our son and that is not what my son wants. Not at all!! Ugghh!! I think I may just let it lie for awhile and see where it goes, if anywhere. But today is my son's 21st birthday so it's almost unavoidable. I just don't know if I should do anything or not. This is too much for me to think about right now. Uggh! HELP!!!!!!! ESH please...
There have been many times when I debated on saying something to my abfsober about something that bothered me. Since being in alanon I have realized that he already knows about certain issues and I don't need to bring them up.
A lot of times here lately I don't even feel like discussing things because I don't feel like putting the effort into something that has no point because he won't see it the way I do most times anyway.
When my bf quit drinking 2 years ago, and slipped a few times, he felt awful about it and it was hard to be understanding. He went back to drinking everyday a few months later.
I'm sure he understands why your son won't speak to him. I wouldn't try to explain anything to him if that was me. I used to try and talk to my bf before he started drinking or the next morning. It never did any good because everything started over the next day. I have learned not to talk to him at all when he was drunk which wasn't always that easy either.
When I didn't speak to him when drunk he would start arguments, follow me around if I left the room. It was a mess.
Your post reminds me of step 10. My favorite line about step 10 is, "nothing pays off like restraint of pen and tongue." And you're doing it! You didn't react, good job!
Is it your place to speak for your son? My sponsor taught me to never triangulate a relationship. Speak for yourself and let your son speak for himself. Stay inside your circle. It's not your place to come in between them, they are both grown men and will need to take care of themselves, whatever that looks like. Wash your hands of the responsibility.
Also, their disease triggers our disease. I think you were very wise to come here. You're doing just fine. This is a big day for your son! Maybe put your focus on his birthday instead. Take care. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hon what I felt when I read your post was, he never went into recovery. In my experience there is no such thing as a slip. An addict using is an addict using.
A clean addict is just the chocolate chip, almond, oatmeal, flax seed cookie with out the chips. It means zero. It is just one of several ickys of being an addict.
We never know when, how many times, what the A uses. That is why we don't pay attention to it.
Thru Al Anon we learn to live with it with our skills or we don't live with them, or we remain sick too and are miserable with them.
What I would do is leave, leave the room, go to bed, go see a friend, go take a shower and fix my eyebrows, or toes and fingernails....
I swear I would get earplugs.
Keep coming. Know we care about you soooooo much, love,debilyn looking for her earplugs just in case!
You are very smart to not try and reason when they are in active addiction for the simple fact there is no reasoning with someone under the influence. This is not possible. I think you are very correct in this.
However, when sober if you want you can tell him that you refuse to talk to him about anything when he is drunk.
As far as your son goes he is after all 21 he is a grown man and they will have to work this out on their own.
I wish you the best, I understand your resentment. Please take care of you. If you get better your children will follow....
I can remember my exAH asking me for explanations & I could see him laughing & thoroughly enjoying me getting all involved in his drama/s with him when I'd do it. Yes I do feel they usually know - its part of their game for ur involvement. Leave his emotional issues with him. He can work out his own perceptions, feeelings - not ur job. Your only job is to take good care of YOU.
Talking to a drunk person is a total waste of time.
You say u havent announced a boundary to ur A but ur using some boundaries. A member here shared the six guidelines for setting boundaries with me and I have used them to set all kinds of boundaries in all aspects of my life. If u can do the steps ~ they work excellently. When I began to set them & follow through - my self esteem soared and I got to experience detachment for the first time in my life, ever. It was such a great feeling, I wanted a lot more detachment.
Boundaries are for you, to protect yourself. Not used to manipulate others but to give you a choice to fall back on. Like I said, with boundaries/consequences, I got self esteem & detachment.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY. 6. WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
-- Edited by kitty on Sunday 19th of July 2009 05:52:25 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One of the hardest things for me was to step away and allow our sons and thier dad to work out thier own stuff , I had run interference in thier relationship for yrs , I was told to mind my own business and let them to work it out . Amazingly they did just that . - go figure and all i had to do was step aside one more time . Your husb quit for a week but had two slips , not enough time to get the alcohol out of his system - if son or husb approach u about what is wrong , simply say , why don't u call him and ask ? get out of the road .so God can get them both .
Thank you for you ESH. I actually did nothing about anything. Except take care of me and keep my distance in their situation. It's for them to figure out, not me. They each have made a decision and it's their choices. I just have to let it go and let God do his will with them. You guys were awesome and I feel so much better. i surely needed all of the support I got here. Shewww!! I needed an outside point of view and a little common sense and you all gave that to me. Thank you all again!!
Good for you! One of my favorite slogans is "Don't React". That was taking care of yourself. For me not reacting sometimes makes my tongue sore, ------------from bitting it.
