The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the past 15yrs i have been on a rollercoaster ride with my ex who is a reformed alcoholic . He is the love of my life and my best friend , i just can't to seem to move on . He says he cares for me very much and doesn't want to loose our friendship . He just is unable to commit to just me . He is recently trying to find himself and so now we are having no contact . He said he has been in relapse for quite some time now , that's what his counsellor told him . He isn't drinking but has other addictive behaviors . He has been dealing with depression and anxiety . He is trying to work on himself and i'm trying to work on myself . Alot of damage has been done with our relationship , alot of hurt . I haven't seen him in three months and i feel like i'm dying inside , i miss him so much . We have emailed each other a couple of times . Sometimes the pain is too much i feel like i can't even breathe . I'm giving him the space he needs to work through this .
I've just started working my program again and i have found a sponsor . I'm just trying to get through each day as best i can , "One day at a time " . He is never far from my mind . He doesn't want to loose our friendship and i really don't either but i just don't know if i have the strength just to be friends when i'm so in love with him . I can't even think of dating anyone else , i've tried in the past . I wanted to move on but i just couldn't get past my love for him . It's an aweful feeling dating someone else and the whole time wanting to be with that other person you love . I'm not ready to date yet , it wouldn't be fair to that other person , my heart just isn't ready for that yet . I'm so scared that i'm never going to be able to let him go and let i will never be able to move on with my life . I'm 36 yrs old and i just don't know where i'm going .
In two weeks time i'm going to meet my birth father who left my sister and myself when we were very young . I was 2 and she was 4 . He was an alcoholic and he use to beat my mom pretty bad . He is a reformed alcoholic now and wants to make amends . He is remarried and has two step daughters the same age as my sister and myself . I have alot of mixed emotions and still alot of hurt . He lives in Hamilton Ontario and we live in P.E.I . My sister , her husband , their little girl and myself will all be going up . We are staying with his sister , who we were always close to . He never wanted to be a part of our lives , he abandoned us when we were very young and never wanted anything to do with us . It was very hard for us to watch our mother struggle to raise myself and my sister . She had to work day and night to make ends meet with no help from him . I'm trying to keep everything together as best i can but it's very hard sometimes . Maybe that is why i'm having such a hard time letting my ex go ( he is much older then myself ) , because i was abandoned as a child . They say god doesn't give you more then you can handle , i feel like this is a test for sure . If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions for me i would greatly appreciate it ! Thank you .
-- Edited by chevygirl on Sunday 19th of July 2009 02:08:59 PM
I know 15 yrs is a long time but what I would say is to detach from exAb/f. Get into program, focus on YOU & get busy enriching your life. Focusing on someone else who is trying to take space is very painful, u can save your energy/emotions & have an easier time chanign yourself, if u can let go of all distractions & get ur teeth into focusing on self.
I keep repeating myself b/c it is so hard for us al-anons or acoa's to get ourselves in focus. When I tried for the first time, I was 36 & it was very difficult & nearly excruciatingly impossible. Work on being the best partner you could/can be. I do believe all things work in harmony with god's timing, not ours. If you focus on you & what u can change, it will be the best thing for all. Allow ex Ab/f to work out his stuff with dignity & leave it with him.
I met my dad for the first time when I was 5 (I dont remember) & again at 16 y/o. Seeing him at sixteen was enough fro me. Both times, I got to see him when I asked my mom. It was pretty weird -- I wish u good luck with it.
All acoa's have abandonment issues, (I think/believe) and I can share with you, what I did. I worked hard to discover what self was ~ once I got tanglibly loving msyelf, I was there for me, loving me, fulfilling me. I quit looking to others to satisfy this inner thirst. In the past, I had looked to others to fill this void but no matter hwat others gave me, it wasnt enough, I felt insatiable for loving - but once I loved me - I was quenched. I no longer have a fear of abandonemnt b/c I no longer abandon myself.
Glad u found us, welcome to the MIP board.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I understand your pain I was with my first husnabd for 17 years he had a gambling addiction we had been best friend since we were 11. I just did not want a life without him but he did not want a life with me and the kids. I was on my own for a year the grief was so painful I thought I would never be happy again. Your feelings are natural dont worry about tomorrow or seeing someone else. Be kind to yorself. I studied I now have a job I love. I spent time with friends who made me laugh. I went the gym and got a body I was proud of basically took care of me. If it is meant to be love comes back hand it over to HP. who knows if he gets healthy and you get happy and healthy one day your dreams may come true and even if they dont you will be o.k
Chevy, my experience has always been, that part of my relationship with my AH was friendship.
I will always be in love with him. Has always been part of me as is my love for my two kids!
I believe it might be easier for you if he said he does not want a relationship with you ever. Limbo is very very hurtful.
Yes I know where you are and it turned my digestive system into a mushy mess and now am disabled by it.
Some people just take the pain into their bodies and it damages them.
If you can do your best to do what you love. Even if it feels like cardboard.
I came here becuz I lose my love for earth and sky. Had no joy, had no desire for anyone or anything. About killed me. These people here held on to me and reassured me. I asked HP to hang onto me tight, and he always did.
So squishing your toes in sand, smelling flowers, bringing flowers in the house, eating things you like that you can keep down, go places that are beautiful. do your best to be around loved ones, are some helpful things.
A broken heart is the worst. I told everyone many times, I even cried at Walmart. Tears just ran down my face. I could not help it. I told people when they asked, "I have a broken heart." I know I can feel if my heart is ok or whatever.
It will get better, I promise, but at the time you feel it never will. I had to go on anti depressants, and take a bunch of vitamins and minerals, oh and good oils. Grief depletes us.
I bet you want reassurance from him, and wish he would show a touch of caring. It is so frustrating and horrible.
Please keep coming here and talking. Also the chat room saved me back then. I did feel better and better. To be honest, was not me again until 2009 about 6 months ago. All of a sudden realized I was healed. And am finding I am still feeling good even when my body hurts! Serenity turned into serenity with happiness, and desires to do things!
Thanks you so much for reaching out to me in my time of need . I'm going to start putting all of my strength into focusing on myself for a change . I was so use to putting him and his needs first that i lost me along the way . I'm going to take the time to find out what i really enjoy , it's been so long that i don't know anymore . I'm going to take care of me for a change ! Thank you all so much .
Welcome and keep coming back. Debilyn has helped me see that I can love my AHsober but not the disease. Even when they leave and in my case he wants a divorce. He said he had to leave to work on himself. He thought we could be friends and then changed his mind. This is not Alanon or AA: we went to a couples workshop and they said we were in a love addiction (me)/love avoidant (him) relationship. It fits me because I have abandonment issues from childhood. So we have spent the majority of our marriage doing the come here/go away dance. My AHsober hasn't drank in over 20 years, doesn't work a 12 step program, and has acquired other addictions. I miss him, I love him. But he can't/won't commit to our marriage. We have to work a program for ourselves by going to meetings, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, and releasing them as our higher power and looking to our HP's for guidance, solace, and serenity.
