The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AB has been in recovery for only 2 and a half months he is attending meeting has a sponsor and really seems to want to stay sober. He has improved so much he is giving me some money towards bills, he is buying his own two children clothes etc.
However there is a downside. My AB lives with me and my two teenage children my son is 16 and my daughter is 13. I have all the normal probs not doing their chores etc. My AB is vey negative and I feel like I carnt support everyone. I want to be firm with my kids they should be doing chores etc but I feel sometimes he is over negative towards them and critical. They are all arguing a lot. His negativity can also rub off on me so I come down heavier on them than normal.
In the middle of all of this I am trying to understand and support my AB. I know he is trying very very hard , I know he is basically fighting for his survival.
Suppose I am having a poor me day. I just feel so overwhelmed feel like giving up and asking him to leave I can cope with two teenagers but alcoholism on top seems like to much.
This morning I asked HP for guidance. The days reading in either courage to change or ODAT said set boundaries not walls. I love my AB and I love my kids all I want is a happy home with all the people I love but its more like a war zone and I carnt fix it all.
I dont want to give up I know anything worthwhile takes hard work.
Please try and keep in mind where there is life there is hope. I know this can be quit trying. I also have two teenagers and a baby g-daughter on top of it.
I lost my husband almost 2 yrs ago to this god-awful disease. This disease takes so very much from us.
When I attended the family meetings at the rehab center, it was very much encouraged that the A not come home after rehab/early sobriety. I must say, after having been through it and experiencing it with others, I totally agree. I know one couple who said it took 2-3 yrs before life became somewhat "normal" and pleasant. They had no kids, and she says that is why she stuck it out. Another friend's husband stayed in a recovery house for 5 years, and now they have a nice life of recovery together.
My oldest two are 16 and 12.5, and I understand the energy, both physical and emotional, it takes. My AH has been out of the house for 2.5 yrs now (we are divorcing), but I can honestly say that it took almost 1.5 yrs of daily recovery programs before he could engage with our kids and act like a parent. That said, he is still ill and has some crazy behaviors, but at least now he is trying to act positive. He is still sober, and working a program, so I am grateful for that. It is difficult to have another child in a grown-up body. The negativity of which you speak is such a powerful force.
There are other options. You can still have a relationship and give support to you AB without him living under your roof. These years are too important for your children. They need peace and deserve a happy home with your focus on you and them. You can do something different.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Aloha Tracy...I missed the part about calling your sponsor...My sponsor kept me in the program and was always on the same page at the same time. Keep up the program work...remember this too will pass. (((((hugs)))))
Remember just because he's gotten sober doesn't mean that the "isms" aren't still there. He's working through alot and so are you. It's hard not to get caught in the middle. Keep your phone list handy. When it gets overwhelming call someone in the program. I can't tell you how to handle the teens. I have Pipers and that's all I can handle. I have no doubt that this too shall pass. Remember it's okay to have a "poor me" day. As long as you don't continue to wallow in it. This is very much life on life's terms. I wish you both well on your recoveries. The best way you can be supportive of his recovery is to work on yours. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can relate a great deal. When I lived with the ex A he had some kind of total fantasy about what I could do to run the household. I was expected to do it all while being a fountain of compassion, tolerance and wisdom for him. He certainly did not return the favor. I don't know that alcoholics actually live in reality.
I know I was constantly in the karpman triangle with the ex A. As long as I was there I was in turmoil. When I stopped entering it I got better and more focused and less vulnerable to his excesses.
