The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Jean Ann I am 55 years old and sober over 30 years. I have 2 daughters Shanon 35 and Danielle 25. Shanon has two sons Cole 2 years and Brennan 11 years, Danielle has two daughters Destiny 4 years and Michelle age 6 months.
Both of my beautiful daughters are using heavy drugs. Heroin and Meth and who knows what else. All the children are taken away and in foster homes.
I am in so much pain you guys, and I have been in Alanon and I attend AA but this is so bad for me. My parents are dead and I was just divorced in October. I am so sad and upset all the time. I have no hope, I feel lonely and afraid. I pray and pray and it helps. I talk some but mostly dont want to aknowldge the truth of what is really going on. I want to isolate, dont feel like eating, I am not interested in doing any thing I use to do. I hurt and cry. I hurt for the children. They are very well taken care of they are all in loving wonderful homes that put them first. I have been in denial about how bad this is affecting me, the longer the girls stay out and don t attend to there children I get more depressed. I dont see an end to this at all.
There are some Alanon meetings here, I live in Anchorage Alaska, I know I need to get to some. I am so scared to go out sometimes right now. I can barely go to my AA meetings. I feel different and alone, less than and that there is something wrong with me. Because both of my daughters are so screwed up. I know in my mind I did not cause it, I cant control it or cure it, I feel so bad and I cry out to God two to three times per day. I want to be alone and just pray all of this is going to pass.
I am reaching out here which is a beginning.
I thank any of you who have read this and thank you for being here.
Aloha Jeananne...welcome home. You are in Alaska but not alone. You've got 30 years sober and this current condition hasn't driven you back into the bottle so congradulations on the solid sobriety. Your feeling alone is understandable for me as addiction pretty well blew apart my family also. It stepped in between the relationships of my children and myself and also caused the marriage to disolve. Normal for the disease of addiction. You are not alone. The feeling of hopelessness and fear are also normal. What's the use its all going to turn out bad anyway right and it so bad that your AA meetings won't fix it either right? I didn't/don't venture out because my spirit got sick. I understand that happiness is an inside job but when my insides are dark how do I arrive at happiness. One of the was I arrive at that is just being out with program people and hang around the chatty, spontaneous membership. I did that last night for dinner and I over came the need to isolate and then did some participation and when the night was done I was laughing at what a crazy crowd I am a part of. We are soooo special together and help each other heal without even saying "I'm sick." By co-incidence one of the couples just came back from a trip to Alaska and brought their pictures to dinner. The beauty of Alaska and the evidence that they had let go completely (her words) to God and became a part of started building my list of gratitudes, attitudes and dreams. This morning's meeting on "maturity" did more to help me reflect on the "real" condition and not "depressed" one.
You will get more prayer support for your daughters and grandchildren from inside the rooms of AA and Al-Anon and now from MIP. There is absolutely no way God will not hear our conversations. God cannot not hear. I am proof of that and so are you. There is nothing "out there" that can hurt you now. All of the fear is "false...evidence" appearing real. Our friends went to the Juno area and told me that the population is smallish. Maybe you are in a larger area but coming here to MIP put you incontact with the world. Keep coming back...Abandon yourself to God as you understand God...and go find some body to help.
Helo and welcome , 30 yrs sober wow that is a milestone congratulations to you . and your not alone anymore . Please go to meetings get out of the house your grandchildren are going to need u one day , u owe it to yourself to keep doing what u have been doing for everyones sake mostly yours . Your worth it , remember the promises in the big book ??? read them work towards them I know there is one that fits the situation u find yourself in right now . Louise
I admire your strength my AB has ony been sober for 3 months and I watch his struggle every day. Like you when I get overwhelmed I tend to isolate myself until I reach a total rock bottom them I reach out to my Al anon friends. That is why this site helps me so much. But I am learning slowly that to truley work my programme I need my F2F meetings. I attend two a week now. I have a service job as this encourages me to go I wont let others down. I am also learning not to let me down. Being a partner of an alocoholic I can relate to your pain watching your daughters and grandchildren. I love the sureniety prayer change the things you can. I attend meeting look after me and I am getting better by the day. This means I am a good role model for my AB and all our kids plus when the time comes I can support them, but they have to find their HP themselves.
Hope this share helps only been in recovery for 18 moths feel a bit cheeky trying to share ESH with someone who obviously knows a lot more than I do Congrats again on your 30 years
Glad you are here. I can absolutely tell you this group saved my life. I came here when I was dealing with an ex A whose life was on a total path to self destruction. He crashed cars, ran up debts, got us evicted, had temper tantrums. He lived, ate and slept chaos and I was right bang in the middle of it and didn't know a way out. This group among other resouces helped me. If you are depressed you can see a doctor, anti depressants really really help. There is nothing wrong with being on anti depressants. How about getting a therapist. There are local mental health organizations that can help. I see one and it helps tremendously. When we are in terrible terrible pain like you are, you need lots of resources. Go to meetings here twice a day. Spend a lot of time in our chat room. Above all keep posting on what is going on for you. This is a wonderful place that can help you tremendously.
If u focus on what your daughters are or are not doing, it will drive u crazy and u feel more hopeless. Focus on you, in the here & now & what u can do to improve your life today. What we focus on, grows, so focus on you & what u can do to empower yourself. It is wonderful, u prau often. Pray & let it go, give it to HP completely & have faith HP can and will work miracles. Im sure you'd agree getting clean & sober was one.
I was depressed for a long time & as an only child, still tend to isolate. Coming here to the online meetings & in chat talking to others who have either been where I want to go or are just coming in as newbies, talking to others, keeps me grounded & allows me to use my program and keep it alive, fresh & active. I had to force myself to do things that would help me when I was so depressed & tried suiicde & cried in bed for months on end. The world doesnt stop, it just keep on going unaplogetically. Life is worth living and being a part of.
Today Im no longer depressed or suicidal and today I genuinely have peace, happiness, serentiy. it all came from working a program, sharing in mtgs, working the steps & applying program to all aspects of my life. Focusing on me, working to discover self love is how it all started. If I can do it, anyone can. I agree with abbyal, one day ur grand kids or daughters may need you - I know you need you & we do here as well. You are already loved, even if u dont know it or believe it yet here. Allow us to support & love you, until u can do it by yourself. Focsu on YOU & take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'd think I'd also like to add. When we are in a very very difficult place we need help beyond AA. If you are so severely depressed you need help from a physician as well as a therapist. AA is great for some things but when your symptoms get beyond a certain points its time to look at new avenues.
Thank you all so much for all your warm welcome. I am taking antidepressants and working with a therapist, sponsor and everything. I go to meetings even though for now it is so difficult for me to sit in them. I sit any way. I cry and I do what I have to do.
I am trying to accept all of this. I hurt so bad and I am so anxious. I am not use to this. What has happened is everything that has transpired in the past few years is catching up with me. first of all because I am now ALONE now one in my life and I have to deal with all the trauma from the past few years. I beleive it has been stored in my body and my body is exploding with grief.
I just completed a good 4 and 5 step and I am giving God my control and fear, I surrender and surrender and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I feel alone and scared, I know this is just a feeling and I try to keep busy, but all I want to do is sit and snuggle on my coach, cry and be anxious. Its the wierdest thing. My hope is that this to shall pass.
Please go to meetings get out of the house your grandchildren are going to need u one day , u owe it to yourself to keep doing what u have been doing for everyones sake mostly yours . Your worth it , remember the promises in the big book ??? read them work towards them I know there is one that fits the situation u find yourself in right now . Louise
