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I am extremley depressed today............Last night we went as a family up to the Country Club for dinner; the kids left while me and my spouse stayed to enjoy the music of a local musican. I was trying to put up a front that i was having a good time, but it was hard. Of course my AH had started drinking about 4pm and had at 5 or 6 JB on the rocks while we were at the club. He kept telling me how much he loved me, that i was specail, etc...i didn't want to hear it, i just wanted to go home. My dad came in, he wouldnt speak to him, of course that upset me. We finally left, he went straight to bed, i waited until i knew he was good and aspleep. He had had plenty to drink and smelled like a brewery at that. Of, course about 4am or so he woke me up for sex; to keep the peace i conscented; he got up to watch tv, but came back to bed, trying to snuggle, rubbing my back and it just really agrevated me. i wanted to him to leave me alone. Is this normal for the spouse to feel disgused about the affection his/or her spouse wants to give and/or needs. My AH is always telling me that i have no compassion, i don;t touch him, caress him, etc... i want to be happy, i want my kids to be happy and i just feel sad all the time. My AH is not necessarly a mean drunk, but if he feels things are going his way, so yes he likes it best when things go his way.
He likes to put the most of the blame in my corner, one of his favorite things to tell me is that " he can't believe that i would leave a man who loves me so much and would do anything for me"...but quit drinking.
There was a time when things were good and we were happy or at least we seemed happy. He has always been a drinker, just seems that over the years it has gotten worse, along with his temper.
i feel like i could go on and on....thanks for letting me vent!
As always, this to will pass and i will put my big girl panties on, move forward .... one day at a time.
Welcome. There are lots of people here who will know what you are going through.
It is good that you are reaching out.
It helped me when I was new, before I got to my first meeting, to keep repeating to myself what a nice lady on the phone said to me: "It is not your fault, and it will get better."
Now the "it" that will get better may very well be your finding ways to cope, rather than the AH getting sober. But you are making a good first step.
The serene ones will encourage you to read, read, read and to go to meetings.
Blessings, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Welcome , are u attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself /? your post reminded me of myself a few yrs back . How can u treat me this way when i do anything u want > and I fell for it every time walking away feeling like a selfish b*^%$h . I also relate to the sexual stuggle your having , there came a time in my marriage where I just couldnt be intimate anymore , luckily for me my husb was a gentleman in that regard and didn't push the situation , I ask him to come to bed smelling of toothpaste and soap or to please don' ttouch me . I simply could not do that to myself anymore . I can only relate to sexual abuse by the way I allowed that part of our lives to continue so long , I was the one abusing myself . he was only doing what alcoholics do . take care of you and you do have the right to say NO . Louise
Hi Louise, My AH likes to tell me that i am not normal, because i have shut down sexually. His sex drive has always been much stronger than mine. But if i refuse his advances, the verbal abuse starts, so sometimes it's just easier. I have tried to explain how i feel to him, but that always winds up the same by him pointing his finger at me "shaming me for not taking care of my business at home" It has taken me along time to stand up for myself, but it has also caused major cahos in my life and the life of our kids.
No, I have not been to any meetings. I have normally have to wait until he is asleep or not home, before i can get on the message board. He also is fairly controlling in regards to wanting to know where i am when i am not at work, at the gym or home... I have told him several times he has a drinking problem....but of course he doesn't think he does and he continues to drink everyday. We do have a counseling appt w/a christain counselor on Aug 5; so i am anxious to see how he responds, he goes back and if he will be honest. i honestly do not think he is going to like what they tell him.
I cannot talk to the disease about the disease. Pointing out to my AH that he has a drinking problem only starts an argument. I simply don't bother any more. This blesses my time with serenity instead of stress.
Most alcoholics KNOW they have a problem... it's just too scary for them to try and stop... too hard, either emotionally, physically or both. This can be crushing to their ego... I have to put myself in their shoes sometimes and remember how hard it can be for ME to admit that I've been wrong or that I need help.
Just think of the three C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
When I'm tempted to take to heart what my AH says to me in the throws of his disease, I have to remember what my sponsor's told me many times... "Don't take his word as gospel." And she's right. The more I monitor things, when the disease is talking through my AH, the disease likes to tell me everything is my fault. Too hard to look within, so it must be the next easiest target... and that would be me. I've had moments with my AH where he was so irrationally mad at me, I could have casually told him "I like fluffy bunny rabbits" and he would have taken personal offense to it. That shows the insanity of it all.
Your AH is very sick, and it's very sad. I hope you can find a way to get to some meetings somehow - if anything, call the Al-Anon hotline and see if you can at least speak with someone over the phone until you feel secure in getting to face-to-face meetings. Keep coming back, here too... start learning what you can about the disease of alcoholism. If you can get your hands on some Al-Anon literature, that would be wonderful, too. I'd recommend How Al-Anon Works to start.
Take care of yourself.
Your AH reminds me not of my own AH, but of an ex Addict/Alcoholic boyfriend I had a while ago... I do feel your pain, and you are in my prayers.
I so relate to your share my AB has been sober for 3 months and things are a little better. But what I have learnt is that this sickness is for life they fight it till the day they die. We can not cure it we have to fight it too!
I fight it by taking care of me I do this in a number of ways the most important is contact with other Al anon members either on here, on the phone or at meetings. I have told lies in the past to ensure I can attend meetings. My literature is my life line it always helps to change my thoughts from negative to positive if you carnt get to a meeting to pick some up you can purchase it on-line. All I can say is this is a disease My AB is facing a lot of guilt now he is sober about the things he has done to me the kids etc. He tells me he never meant none off it. I tried for four years to get him to stop drinking I went to hell in the process. In the end after 18 months of really working the Al anon programme I gave up and let him go I handed him over to HP. Thank god it was HP will that he got sober.
I hope this helps keep coming back we all understand your pain
I find, that if I'm confused, it's because there is something about reality I am not accepting.
I identify with your marriage, my AH was manipulative too. If I didn't understand that he was the center of the universe, there would be problems. I needed to get on board, and understand that his chronic late arrivals, his constant absence and entertaining the customers, the drinking, and frequent vacations (which he was entitled to, but the family was not) This was all somehow necessary to put food on the table, and a roof over our head, and I should just clam up and be grateful!!! Selfish, selfish, selfish. But, he never saw it that way.
Al-anon taught me to see my part in it. My part was, I allowed this to go on for 26 years. Yes. Of course, that left me feeling very confused and depressed. Especially confused because I believed his words, that he loved me more than anyone ever could.
I spent thousands on counseling (of course, I was the one with the "problem.") I was told that depression is anger turned inward... Maybe, I didn't stick around long enough to unravel all the ways I might be angry at myself.
It got to the point, I was soooo depressed, I would daydream about dying, I just wanted the pain to go away. It feel like a part of me was saying, "hey, if you aren't going to even acknowledge me, I want out. If you're going to treat me like a nothing, I guess I am nothing, and I agree to go off into nothingness."
Thankfully, I was led to al-anon, where I came crawling in on my hands and knees. Perfect. I was broken and empty, and had no where else to turn. My emptiness left me vacant and open... available to be filled with something I could ever have imagined. What a blessing.
Al-anon helped me to discover that my focus was on him and my family, anyone but myself. What dysfunction, that would explain my anger turned inward! Today I know who my HP is (it is no longer my husband) and that HP comes first. Then me. Then anyone else in my life. First things first.
This program taught me more about myself than the thousands of dollars I spent on counseling. Today, I see that the answers are always within us. And the program gave me tools to discover it. And, as a loving HP would have it, it's free.
Please keep coming back. Please know that you are sooooo loved by your HP, and that you matter. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Love has nothing to do with addiction, all you can do is get help for you. Just because he is an A doesn't mean he does not love you I am sure he does.
Keep coming keep posting, keep venting it does help. This is a horrible disease first it takes the spirit then the soul and then eventually the very life.
I stopped going out with the exA for a long long time when he was drinking. I could not stomach it. During our time together he always always always complained I did not give enough. He gave very very little in terms of emotion but I was supposed to kill myself for him. Get the book Getting them Sober. That will help you tremendously. The more you can detach the better your life will be.
I can go to resentment in a heart beat but I no longer live totally mired in it.
