The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He did not come home last night. I know he is using again. And of course it is all going to be my fault because get this one I spoke it into existence and had no faith in him.
Or maybe this time it will be I am stupid, I don't know why I make these stupid chooses. You are the best thing that has ever been in my life, you deserve so much better.
Been there bought the t shirt I am so tired of this. He was in rehab since March left last week on his own because I didn't trust him Told him no your recovery is the most important thing you can do for your self. He even acknowlegde he needed to go back would have to wait another three weeks.
I saw it coming. I even knew by his voice what he was about to do. I have watched my AH for years and I can read him like a book.
Right now I know he is afraid to confront me. This is his MO when he is using. He is suppose to do the day program for three weeks until he goes back into rehab. Should I call his councelor and tell her he can not stay home during this time he knows this is a boundary. I cannot take this anymore.
Hi there, i can relate to your post, know you are not alone with the damage of the disease. I just went through this last week, and the best advice i got was to take care of myself. Pamper yourself, do something good for you. I dyed my hair, painted my nails, cleaned out a closet and made cookies. lol THey sound like dumb things to do, but honestly it kept my mind busy, my hands busy and it made it so much easier then previous times when i would just worry,worry, worry. The fear, the hurt, the anger is still there, but remember you matter! Your appearance matters! Your feelings of self love need to be given a boost right now....
You are in my prayers
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Thank you for replying. I am so new i forgot that the boundaries are actually for me. It is just that I cannot speak to her until Monday. Why do I feel bad if i don't give him something to eat and let him bathe?
I feel so trapped right now. I have never felt so alone in my life. And I actually like being alone.LOL.
InhisArms, Thank you I know I should pamper my self but I am in such a funk I am actually going away in a couple a weeks but that scares me because I actually do not want my AH/NH home alone. He was suppose to be in rehab.
What takes place between him and his counselor is between the two of them. He is responsible for his choices and the consequences of them. He is an adult after all. Allow him the dignity to make those choices (good or bad) and live with the results.
Boundaries, to me are like grounding a child. Sending a child to their bedroom which has a computer, phone, TV and all the comforts of home is like sending them to the candy store. If you're going to "ground" them then take away all the other stuff. If you are going to set a boundary with your husband then you have to be prepared to stand your ground. If you want him out of the house, then do so. But you are going to have to stand firm and take the neccessary actions to keep him out of the house.
If he wants to tell his counselor that he has been kicked out for using then he will. It's really none of our business what they say in those sessions. I'm venturing a guess that these counselors have seen it all. They will know what's up without us telling them. But that's just my humble opinion. Alanon meetings will give you the tools you need to make these kind of decisions. You will never feel alone when you are at those meetings. You are not alone on this journey of recovery. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Saturday 18th of July 2009 11:48:49 AM
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Aloha Linbol and welcome...That was also a tough place for me feeling lonely, afraid and confused. That all got taken care up when I got into the rooms of Al-Anon Family Groups. I found out I wasn't alone, that there were tons of people who knew what was going on in my life and could describe it thru their own personal experiences, and who brought me out of the fear (of everything) I was carrying for years. Call the Al-Anon hotline number from the white pages in your local telephone book and get the meeting places and times nearest you and then go...!
I use to be a counselor at a in/out patient recovery facility. I had a "We are all in this togerther" attitude with my patients and their families. The families could and did call me when the patients acted out including everything from drinking and using to out of control behavior. The family stopped becoming the usual victim when they used their support network and the alcoholic/addict took on more responsibility for their choices and the consequences of them. If his program and his counselor invites close family members into the process...use it. If not think before using it. At the same time go get help for yourself.
HI, I used to feel so bad when I never jumped to the rescue of my AB when he was facing the consequences of HIS CHOICES!
Now I now that if I truely love him and want him to ever get better i have to let him face the consequences and feel the pain. I did this in March I told my AB I loved him that he was an amazing person but I needed to love me. I told him I was in recovery and that I needed to be around healthy people. I explained that I was sad that he wanted to live his live how he was but that was HIS CHOICE! I took care of me for the first time in my life and I did feel bad but I knew it was the right thing to do I Knew I couldnt fix him I gave his life back to him. After a couple of weeks he rang me he had made the choice on his own to go to AA he has been sober for 3 months. I truley believe that if I kept saving him he would still be drinking. HP carnt do his work when we are in the way.
It's easier to do what you need to when you look at enabling from another angle..
If you feed him and allow him to bathe you are putting a pillow under his butt to ensure his soft landing, preventing him from hitting bottom. Unfortunately it also allows them to continue w/o consequences.
The reality is...when you "help" him, you help and encourage the disease. Please don't feel bad about not helping his disease to thrive. Love him enough to let him fall.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
