The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All week I've expected each night to be the night he brings home a six pack and the whole process starts again. Every night I've been wrong. He's been positive, nice, patient with our son, all of that. Is he waiting for the weekend? Or has he magically recovered completely without any outside help whatsoever or even the admission that there was ever a problem? He really hates talking about this, so I'm in the dark as to what's happening. Was last weekend an isolated incident? I wish I knew so I could mentally prepare myself- for good or bad. I just would like to know.
Now that my heart has been stomped all over and my feelings slowly smashed beyond repair, I guess I'm supposed to wag my tail and be happy. I'm happy for him, if happiness is in order, but I am constantly reminded of horrible, hurtful things from the far and recent past, and as little as six weeks ago I was sure he was doing everything in his power to prove his contempt for me and I accepted it. So I was wrong? How can I know that this is behind us forever? How can they expect us to care after what they put us through?
Lotus, it does not matter. All the worrying, obsessing is ruining your life! He will do whatever he will do all his life. We have no control.
It is like saying is he going to die today? tomorrow?
We don't live like that and stay sane! The disease is controlling YOU.
This is why we come to Al Anon to learn to watch us only, love them no matter what happens. Of course it hurts when they relapse, however that is part of living with or loving an A!!! Are you going to walk on eggshells forever?
Enjoy your life, when he is in it great, when he isn't learn to take care of you and know how to go to the way you can live and still be happy.
He is an A, nothing anyone, not even he cannot change that!
Is his hair going to fall out? Is he going to get the flu? Is he going to be crabby today?
If we base our happiness on anyone elses behavior we are in the pit. Al Anon teaches us to to base our happiness on our own life, and just appreciate when others show up!
Expectations are moot when we cannot control it anyway!
Aloha Lotus...That condition is what I've learn in the family groups as "walking on egg shells" expectations of doom and gloom and when they didn't come about I was like this also confused and guilty. Was I wrong? Of course I was. Wrong is a human condition and based upon the history with the disease I was naturally wrong when I wasn't growing. Wrong came from the past and I learn to live in the day and the moment neither the past or the future. I also learned to focus on my own personal program..."What was I doing and not doing". "What could I do to support the habit of self focus rather than falling into the addiction to my alcoholic.
I also learned that there are no good fortune tellers including myself, in this program. I now leave the future up to my own plans and intentions and my HP's direction. No one else is responsible for the outcomes of my choices and actions.
What do I do with the fear and pain of hurts past tense? I practice letting them go. They were usually done unintendedly by the other person and I give them permission to hurt me. It cannot happen with our my permission and participation is what I learned in Al-Anon and once I allowed myself to learn that and agree with it trouble didn't have the same effect on my spirit. ]
If he can change, if only for the moment...so can you but you gotta work for it and want it. That is why the meeting rooms are soooo valuable. It is like going to college for a higher degree of peace of mind and serenity and all things positive.
WOW.... can i relate. Things are going fairly smooth for now, although my AH still drinks everyday, there hasn't been much verbal abuse this week, mainly because we (myself and the kids) have been around the house and not out enjoying what we like to do. So, in other words, as long as we are underfoot he is content. I have an extremely hard time forgiving, forgetting and/or letting go of the hurtful words and actions he imposes on myself and the kids. Because he will eventually blow up again, so yes we are living on eggshells.
So, i know i have things to work on as well. Nice thing is i know i am not alone in my struggles. i have a place to vent and seek encouragment,
I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's misery.
It took me while to get past that... stop putting my life on hold "just in case..."
Jerry is very right... speaking for myself, I am NOT a good fortune teller. In fact, probably 99% of the time when I play out a scenario in my mind and convince myself that "this is what's going to happen!" I find that I'm WRONG.
The only power in my universe that can see the future is my HP, and my HP apparently doesn't think it's a necessity for me to see the future. I'm glad, because if I were able to see into the future, I'd completely lose NOW. Every moment I spend trying to see or imagine what might happen is a moment I rob from the present - it robs potential serenity time for me.
Have you been to any face-to-face meetings yet? I implore you to get to some... and at that, hit as many as you can in the next week. (don't just hit one one week and not go back until a week or two later). You'll find recovery and answers will start to come faster and faster when you can get to meetings. And while you're attending those meetings, keep your eyes peeled for a potential sponsor. I don't think I'd be where I am today without my sponsor. She's that person I call when I'm riled up or find myself cornered by my fears. She is a LIFE-SAVER.
Please, take care of you and get to some meetings.
It's just hard not being nervous. I've accepted the worst possible scenario, and I will never try to control him again, but I find my heart racing all day long and my stomach doing flip flops because I don't have a clue what is going to happen next. It's like waiting to find out if you have cancer. You can't change the results, but the suspense is debilitating. I am still too scared to bring up going to meetings. I feel guilty just taking too long at the grocery store while he waits at home with our son. I know that's stupid considering it's the only place I ever go, but I don't know how to take his sudden niceness. Is it real? I'm a sick sick person.
anxiety, nerves, the waiting, the irritability of it all, walking on egg shells, feeling guilty ~ it all comes from looking and waiting for another person ~ you are suspending the control over yourself, based on a reaction you are waiting for from him. I know I used to live that way too - basing my movements of someone else, reacting based on someone else's actions. It makes you crazy and sick to do this. It is possible to stop obsessing and being fixated on another person.
Turn your attention & energy to yourself, focus on you in the here and now. This present moment is all we really have anyway and you are the only person u can control.
Looking and waiting for that other person, to screw up again (essentially) or not - is to give your power away & allows you to lose out on today. Looking into the future, which is unknown to all humans, is a waste of time & gives you all the fear, anxiety, irritability you're experiencing. You can do the same thing by recalling the past pains, traumas suffered. There is a saying, 'if I have one foot in tomorrow and the other in yesterday, I'm pissing on today' ~ sure that's a lil vulgar but when I heard it, I laughed & laughed & it stuck & spoke to me.
Focus on you in the here & now & practise focusing on you & detaching from what ur A is doing or not doing. Cant control him but YOU can control YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Well I guess it's established that every saturday night he's going to drink himself into oblivion. I wonder how long it will be till it's a twice a week thing, then six times a week. He must be perplexed as to why I'm just letting him do this without the cold shoulder/silent treatment/behavior controlling that he's used to from me in times like these.
I have to say that it feels great not to be in despair over his drinking, but I feel very guilty for no longer caring about our marriage. I couldn't stand it another day if I did care.
I don't actually think alcoholics think too much about what others do. I think they think about getting into oblivion and there isn't much left between that. Of course they "use" others to blame, manipulate and ask for things from but many of them expecially when they are very very active can have very little concern for others at all.
