The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My emotions are desiring a letter from my AH. I care about him, I know he is in the best place he can be.(in a lockup intake correctional place until they send him to prison)
I am glad I still care. I like that about me, the me hp gave to myself. Feels good to be so forgiving. I know my past I have done things I would NEVER do now. I am appreciative that I have been forgiven!
Day at a time. If there is no letter, then I let it go another day. No controlling this.
I may sound strong, but admitting was sad yesterday. I got a letter I thought was from him. But it was from my Dad. Which is wonderful! He donated to Eden. He is such a good dad.
Anyway it just put a tiny ache in my heart for awhile. Gotta watch that bolony. I am working on making my big masterbedroom into a studio apartment. It is a nice room with a slider and two big windows and a door out. Large br. walk in shower.
One boundary is he does 90 meetings in 90 days period. I don't care if he is ready or not. To live here he would do it. I would go too, he liked me to before.
And at this stage it does not matter he is not ready. He is dieing faster now.
Today got on CL to get a bed, small fridge. I have a microwave. That is all he needs. AND I tell myself I can rent it out if I choose also, even a temp vacation room for someone who wants to go to this famous golf course 5 miles away! (o: You can see deer, elk, coyotes, herons, bald eagles, bullfrogs etc while you golf! Beautiful area.
Not doing it for him, for me.
But still would like him to choose life not death when he gets out. Not my call. I can make it inviting though right? (It is separate from my side. Locked door. )
I know not to hop into the pit, and will not freak if I have to take him to town and leave him there. His choice, boundaries will be written down, with the consequence.
IF he comes here. I believe he got 2 years but will serve 3 months. dumb huh? Drunk drivers are not punished like they say on tv. honestly makes me sick. They should have to work in a mortuary, special work with people killed by drunk drivers. What are they going to get going to prison?
All I know is I have loved him all my life, been thru Viet Nam waiting, writing letters back and forth, he was there when my 1st husband was diegin. He bought our son his first bike, he had our son for a year or so when he was 16. He took me to the doc when I had the cancer scare,he took me to the vet with my very loved tawny Mastiff Jenny had bloat in the mid of the night. Horrible experience.
He dragged me inside when yellow jackets flew up my shorts up my blouse in my hair and put me in the bathroom to help me undress and kill them. He was drunk and at the time it was appreciated helped. Helped me when i got these horrible leg cramps for up to 15 min. tried to carry me to the wood stove to get warm and massage them. haha he is 5'9, medium build, defined muscles, but I am German and Lakota built all muscle...not small!
he always forgave me. Like when I thru the huge cup of iced tea at the wall and the salsa. sigh forgave me for all the silly things I did to him! Making him put on my nightgown and taking a picture. lol He is very much a man. sily boy.
he would fold wash and put my underwear on his head, Pull his sweats clear up to his chest. lol was not all bad at all. I was so loved. Nice experience to love someone and they love you a strong right back. I hate addiction!
Anyway if you have thoughts I would sure appreciate them.
It's' okay to just sit here and imagine your own thoughts too. Thanks for the nice pictures and fillin. I once was told that being able to see the rainbow thru the storm was balance. I like that. (((((hugs)))))
oh I like that Jerry! yin and yang? mmmm rainbow thru the storm. Hey I always loved it when it rains with sunshine busting thru. Called it Rainie sunshine. Was going to name my daughter that, but decided on Raini Spring. full is Rainilyn Spring
I am not sure if it is true, but when W.C. Fields was dieing, he wanted to hear rain so bad so he could sleep. So the woman who loved him went outside and hosed water on his roof and window. sigh.
My son's name is Mackenzie, after the Mckenzie river here in Oregon.
The ex A rarely rarely came through when I needed him to. I feel I was setting myself up wanting him to in the end. Nowadays I am no longer willing to even conceive that someone will be "there" for me in the way I dream of. I'm glad your A was at one time. I'm not sure in my wildest dreams I would take on an active a in my house/home in a relationship ever again, the turmoil is too great, 90 meetings or not, the rest of the time they can be causing havoc.
