The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My fiance has been sober for 6 months. We havent been intimate for 5 months. We always give a quick kiss when we see each other and quick kiss and hug when we leave. No matter if its 5 times a day. When I spent the night after a long trip, the next morning he wanted to do something fun. We got up and went fishing. It was great and we did have fun. He mentioned that he felt horny in the morning later that day, but was glad we got up and had fun. I have tried to talk with him about our intimacy problem. He said that he wants to have a friendship bonding first. I dont know how long this bonding will be. I sometimes think that we will never get to a point of making love. I know doing everything sober is new. I either wait or move on. Looking for input please. Shaina
I am glad you found us. This is what I understand (and have experienced) ... a newly sober person is doing all they can to just stay sober. They really do not have the emotional capacity to focus on true intimate relationships. Of the couples I know that have made it through sobriety and into a "new" relationship, their advise was to just keep the focus on myself and wait it out if able, that it does get better, but it takes time. Of course, this is only true if both are engaged and interested in maintaining the relationship (wasn't the case with me).
Though it is hard to believe, most often early sobriety is worse than the drinking years. A drug/alcohol counselor once told me that that it takes about a year for one to just dry out and start thinking sober, and two years to actually realize one can live happily sober. In three-four years real conversations can occur, and five years is considered a significant marker in recovery. Of course, every person/relationship is different and this is just a general timeline, but I think what it is important to remember is that sobriety and healing take time (sometimes years).
Getting involved on this board, going to al-anon meetings, reading the literature, and getting a sponsor truly saved my life. Reading and understanding all I could about alcoholism/addiction and going to counseling also helped. I cannot encourage you enough to do the same.
I'm glad you are here. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
welcome , sometimes a newly sober alcoholic experiences Impotence in early sobriety , it will pass eventually , most won't talk about it with partners as it is embarrasing for them. Patience is a must with new sobriety . I get the feeling yor not attending Al-Anon for yourself , Iwold strongly suggest u consider getting yor own program that way u wont be constantly thinking about him and the what if's . it is for me the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety ,we have to learn to mind our own business and recover ourselves . We had a part in this mess like it or not and at meetings u will come to understand just exaclty what that was and change what u can YOU . the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too.
Thankyou for your responses. Yes, it will take time for his mind and attitudes to change. I have heard impotence happens and some people just dont function the same. However, when he was actively drinking there were times when he didnt want to touch me either. Confusing? yes. I keep thinking that some day he will wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and then...... I have an unconditional love for him and of course want to.... but it hurts to think that he may reject my advances, after he said," lets bond as friends first". We have been together 4 years. It is hard for me to quick kiss. One day I frenched. It was awkward. I long for the passionate kiss, touching and affection. Intimacy, in a healthy way is important. So I will wait. We are supposed to camp next month. This experience is changing me for the better and I look forward to becoming a new healthy woman. What is meant to be will Be. Shaina
When an A has support of other A's they do so much better. Also when did he start using? Remember he is at the age he was when he began using. I don't know how long he used, but he is surely immature for his age.
I sure relate to how you feel. Since he is so sweet to you, do your best to know that inside he does love you. People show love in different ways.
I know that aching and longing. sigh. I tell ya having a double recliner was great for my AH and me. We sat close, held hands, laughed at movies, played and teased. I am not kidding as they have to sit by ya to recline so even if you are fighting, there they are!
He started when he was 17 and now is midlife. He was sober about 4 years, going to the big book program, heavily into it. Dont know the real reason he went back to drinking for 6 years now, and sober for 6 months. Longest i have seen sobriety and it is still a roller coaster ride at times. I am healthier myself and have detached from unhealthy behavior. At this point in time, I may be able to walk away in Peace. I have done everything in my power as human being. God is the miracle worker and I have hope. Maybe not the way I want. I do know that I am stronger and I know I am not to blame for his behavior. Oh, yes, he does act with childish behaviors. I think to myself- he's having a tantrum and he will get over it. Do I want to live like this? No one is perfect, I am still weighing it out. Letting go more and more so that if it comes to that decision, then I wont cry to long. Trying to look at the positive aspects, put our relationship in Gods hands and live my own life.. finding out who I am and growing. Shaina- Thanks for your input.
The first year of sobriety is the hardest for an alcoholic. Have no expectations at all. Do everything you can to detach. Read Getting them Sober (all the volumes) and detach detach detach. The less you have expectations the better.
I know I absolutely hated it when people told me that but the more I adopt it the better my life is. The paradox is difficult to embrace but really essential for not being in obsession and pain.
Detach? please explain about detachment. I know we are both starting over. A healthy relationship starts with healthy boundries. Respecting oneself and each other. I have strength from God to live each day in the present. Excepting what I cant change, and changing what I can. Hope for a brighter future. Thanks for sharing. Shaina
Its been awhile since I was on. The camping trip wasnt intimate_ just friends back in August. I did get a more compassionate kiss on Thanksgiving morning before he went up North. I savored evvery moment. Eleven days later, he has stopped texting goodnight and morning. he seems distant again. I dont want to run after him- that doesnt work! He been 9 months sober, and also irritated about money etc. Its hard to bring up how I feel< becasue he gets angry. I am just staying away. any suggestions?
