The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my h is in acoa-and it is good. I'm attending al anon. I'm very tired. For so many years, I have taken care of the house, the kids, the parents, the h, his moods, etc. I have been everything everyone has asked of me. I have put up with, I have soothed, I have "sacrificed" I have put others first....all of which I now know was quite codependent and unhealthy of me....but it was what h wanted,at the time...
In the process, I completely lost me. Now that h is recovering, we are detached and working on our own little programs. Not so bad, as he was previously placing ALL of his needs in my basket, and making his life my responsibility. Things blew up when I set those responsibilities down. He bottomed out. Found ACOA, is learning and growing. my issue? I am lost. I hate my job, I have only done the work to make money for a life and future that seems to be uncertain. I want to quit and take some time to get my self together. I don't know if that is viable, because my h now wants to quit his job and find himself too. He has decided to focus on himself and do more things he enjoys. Part of my resentment with that, is that he has always done what he liked, when he liked, whether or not it was a good idea. So I resent that I got so used to that, I have no idea anymore what my hobbies and interests are....as silly as that sounds....I just don't know. I don't know where I am , where I want to be and how to get there when I figure it out. I have only 1 friend. Any other friends I had were all put off in the past by my inability to be myself around my husband...and he was usually quite unpleasant to people I liked.
So, yes I guess I'm having a bit of a pity party here. It's not easy to admit that. I am lonley, bored, scared, and clueless. I am hoping that I can find some guidance in meetings, but so far, I haven't. Support yes, but I need more?
Anyone else had to find themselves without a roadmap?
I feel like I am where you are... Lost... uncertain.
This is such a selfish disease that I feel has ruined a marriage that I believed in. I feel like I did everything right and helplessly watched him tear apart everything that I held dear to me. So now that he is on the road to recovery... I have a hard time figuring out who I am. I am Lost! I have dreams too! I want to do them but, again, he is putting his needs first and making this all about him! I need to recover too!!! I've been hurt and the trust is dead... We are detached as well... He detached from me physcially... then I detached emotionally. I think now he wants to be intimate but is so scared to because he knows I hurt. I had to stop loving him for him to get sober. I know that getting those feelings back will take time...
I feel for you Heather. I hurt too. Your post makes me feel like I am not alone. Thanks!
Of course...been there doing that. Helpers and enablers mostly do what helps and supports others. That is what I am good at and that has been my focus for whatever honest reason for most of my life. Breaking away from that subconscious behavior and character is like heart replacement surgery without a donor. Can the patient live without that kind of heart. I have learned not to resist the condition but to alter how I perceive it and practice it. I have learned to practice it without resentment, anger, negative judgment or any other negative response. I have learned to add myself to the list of those I help. It is honest and it is healthy when I meet my own needs. It also feels good and right when I am pleased and satisfied with what I am doing especially when others benefit.
I didn't like my supportive character from the past because I found out my motives and the spirit in which I act out with were not honest and balanced. I didn't like the feelings I left myself with while I was doing the "support". I felt fear, guilt, shame, anger, tired, self pity and I am sure a host more.
That is what I use to do but not anymore as the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups and other information and awarenesses have helped me to learn and to practice carrying a "fair share" of the load. Today I know that as long as I have a Higher Power and others and myself I don't have to carry "it" all.
It is good that you have taken the time to come here for yourself. While you are starting to focus on yourself for yourself reach over and grab yourself a whole bunch of openmindedness. You will read and hear a lot of ESH (experiences, strengths and hopes) with which you get to take what you like and leave the rest for maybe later or never.
Being lost doesn't mean helpless or hopeless. If you can get up the courage to find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call for the times and places of meetings in your area the lost, lonely, clueless condition will go away as you get to sit with and listen to the stories of many other members similar to yourself. That is what happened for me.
Keep coming back to this MIP gold mine. (((((hugs)))))
Sounds like a very difficult situation to me. The ex A and I were not able to at certain points to sustain an income. The conseuqnces were absolutely disastorous for me. I would not now quit any job unless I had unemployment or some source of income. During my relationship with the ex A I put so much into depending on him, our lives were totally enmeshed. Getting unenmeshed was a disaster for me. I think a plan be helps to sort that out. I don't necessarily think a plan be has to be to look at separating totally but I do think one helps to look at your options.
I well understand the issue of wanting to quit. This week in my part time job I was ready to just walk. The thing that saved me is that I have many short term goals I am working on and sign posts along the way to say what's next. That holds me together in those difficult times. I don't know if you have a sponsor I know mine is a source of tremendous wisdom and compassion, I'd highly recommend getting one.
h went off the rails yesterday in response to a question I asked about a purchase he made....innocent question...like is this purchase for the gift for an upcoming birthday....and we are now back at square one. can't discuss anything w/o it becoming a fight. After a thorough scolding I felt like crap. And I knew I hadn't done anything....he even admitted it after about an hour...he said he made some assumptions about what I said, not facts, and then got defensive and when on the attack. So any progress we made in terms of me trusting him are moot. HE will still recall conversations as it fits him at the time, and in a way that ensure I am always wrong. That seems to be very important - I am the one who always is in the wrong. He is now making everything financial my responsibility - and I never said I wanted it. I want him to put himself through the same justification process he puts me through. So I'm back to the beginning. I'm lost, I second guess everything I say and think, I'm immobilized, and I'm going back to a f2f to get some perspective and try to continue to detach. He's still of the opinion that his detachment means he isn't responsible for anything he says or does. My feelings and reactions are not his problem. Maybe. But when the rules change every single day, and I don't know where the next outburst is coming from, it makes finding detachment and peace very difficult to find. Not to mention protecting whatever is left of "me".....
please provide thoughts.....or your own perspectives.....kind of need it right now....
