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I'm new to this board and I don't know much about Al-Anon, but maybe someone familiar with the principles of it can help:
My 30-something sister has never grown up because my parents enable her to live completely dependent on them. They bought her a house, cars and pay for everything she needs and wants. She does not have a job or any hobbies. So it's not surprising that she lives destructively.
My parents do not understand what it means to be an enabler, they just think that they can "manage" her by taking care of her and doling out help as she needs it. I blame them mostly for the way she lives because I know that she would grow up and get a life if my parents weren't controlling her.
She got a DUI recently and of course my parents hired her an attorney, and will pay any related fines and fix any problems that this may cause for her so that she can go on without giving it a second thought.
I've considered writing a letter to the judge explaining the situation and telling him that the only way that my sister will see consequences from this is if she is given jail time or something similar that my parents can't "fix". But then again maybe it's a terrible idea? What are the guidelines for intervening? I know that I can't talk my sister into living a clean life, but what do you do about the enablers? Would you write to the judge?
Personally, I would not write a letter to the judge. Your sister and your parents are going to do what they are going to do. I would just stay out of it completely and look after my own life...keep my side of the street clean. When your parents get sick and tired of it then maybe they will ask you for some suggestion on what they should do. I would wait it out.
Concentrate on yourself and try not to obsess over the situation. I know, easier said than done, but Alanon can help you with that.
Aloha Angel...Maybe the letter, a simple, loving, honest one should go to your sister and then turn the situation and her over to your Higher Power for better outcomes. Everyone in your sisters situation is part of the process including your sister's drinking. Everyone is receiving the consequences of their actions and if they don't see their parts and the consequences it will continue until...
I once attended a court session out of the town and country I was living with and the hearing before mine was about a young man who had 6 DUIs with property damages. Three of the prior wrecked cars no made up a parts yard at his parents home. His mother and father were in court. He was not. They were putting up more of their financial assets to cover his butt and he had nothing but wrecked cars. They were buying him another car so he could continue to get to work. The income he earning mostly went for drinking. The story continues to be the same and then maybe it changed...maybe not. I hung around after court to talk with them, share my own experiences and my own awareness and offer the Al-Anon story as I had come to experience it. I made the suggestion that they call the hotline number and get to a meeting as quickly as the could, get as much literature as they could and do repeat that for 90 days before making up their minds about what to do next. I could only share what worked for me and that is what worked for me. They were looking for answers...something that worked. Maybe what they got was helping, enabled them to make changes and interfered with the process they found themselves caught up in. God I hope so. It would be nice to know how it all came out. I gave them my phone number and never got a call back.
Any Judge who works in a DUI section is well aware of the alcoholic issues. They don't need a letter to spell it out.
I understand absolutely your frustration, anger and awe of the way your sister is manipulative. Nevertheless you focus on her is the issue for you, not the consequences of her actions.
My own sister is an alcoholic and I've had to work through a lot to get detached. I can't recommend enough the tools of al anon. As much as you can immerse yourself in the program, whatever happens to your sister you will be helped immeasurably.
Thanks for your advice. It looks like not writing to the judge is the best thing to do.
Gailey, my parents have gotten fed up and asked me what to do -- of course, they did not like the answer! They want an easy way to "fix" my sister, and cannot admit that they are doing anything wrong.
Maresie, I see what you are saying. Actually I was never close with my sister and my focus is mostly on my parents for their enabling and co-dependent behavior. So if I read your post and substitute sister with parents that's more where my issue is.
Like I said, this has been going on ever since my sister was a kid, so I wondered why I am so upset with it lately. A number of things have escalated it, so let me share:
My sister has ramped up the pressure lately, and I have seen her tell my parents that she is going to become a prostitute or kill herself unless they...[give her $100, buy her another car, etc]
My parents are in bad health and my mom has early alzheimer's. I have realized lately that they are not going to be around forever and they are choosing to live their last years under this self-imposed oppression.
I just had a baby, my first child and their first grandchild. My parents have been wanting a grandchild badly for the last 15 years. They have come out here to see her once, and cut their visit short because they had to get back home to baby-sit their adult daughter. This was disappointing to me because I expected more from them at this time.
I just need to come to terms with the new set of circumstances. It may take a little while. I have already told them that my husband and I will not be supporting them financially when they are in the poor house from throwing their money away on my sister.
