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I had a panic attack and I've been crying for 3 days. I wanted so much for this to work. I liked him SO much (when he was nice) and we had mutual chemistry and I haven't felt like this for years.
My questions are about how my ex boyfriend treated me. I keep wondering what I did wrong, why did he treat ME this way, was I at fault? I'm so confused.
Is it true that alcoholics can be like Jekyll and Hyde? Because, he was. He could be SO mean, cold and heartless and then turn around and be so kind and sweet. He didn't have to be drunk to do this. It's just that he drank every night and I think it runs through his body all the time; he was very functionable. However, he was fired from a job once because he lunged at his supervisor and she felt threatened.
His temper was bad; had road rage.
When he was REALLY mean (by phone), I'd do something I regretted. It happened twice. I would respond by sending an e-mail, telling him what an awful, mean, heartless person he was. Later, I regretted it and felt like I was the terrible person. That was the last communication I had with him and I feel SO guilty and can't forgive myself.
On the phone, he said, "your GETTING EMOTIONAL (over something hurtful he did) AND I DON'T TALK TO EMOTIONAL PEOPLE!!! Then he said, "DON'T EVER TEXT OR CALL ME AGAIN! (when he always told me to call and text him). Then, he hung up in my face. Please tell me that the condition makes them this mean.
Are they also manipulative? Because, I felt manipulated. He'd hold back affection if he didn't get his way.
Whose the real person; the mean one or the nice one?
He seemed to be unaware of what was appropriate and inappropriate.
He'd say he felt so much for me, that I was special to him, that he wanted to be with me, respected me... but his actions didn't show these things.
I'd think we were having a great time, passionate time together, then at the end of the date, he'd start criticizing me(like it came out of no where), and telling me "look at me when I'm talking to you!" (I mentioned that in a previous post).
What I'm trying to understand now is.... how much of my experiences with him (mentioned above) is possibly due to his alcoholism. I'm really hurting right now and I just want to figure out if it was ME or was it the alcoholism acting like this. It would make me feel so much better if I knew that what I was experiencing was the alcohol and that I did nothing wrong. Thanks for your help!
We don't tell you what to do; we just share what we have done and learned. You take what you like and leave the rest.
Alcoholics act and we react to it. You are not the only one. Many of the things you have done I have done as well. Like the mean heartless letters; but afterwards I never felt bad.
My alcoholic was very manipulative in many different ways. He would always tell me whatever I did just wasn't good enough for him. I think he was hurting really bad inside and to make him feel better he would in whatever way possible put blame on me so he could take it off himself to feel better...does that make sense?
Alcohol really does a lot to a person mentally and physically. Whether they are drunk or sober I believe they act the same till they work their program.
We can not fix them. We can try time after time, but we are the ones feeling down because it didn't work. I used to think if he loved me enough he would just quit and he isn't so he must not love me. They are powerless over alcohol. My sons father just found out he has some very serious health problems from drinking so long and still it's HARD for him to just stop. They go through withdrawal symptoms and at times can be very irritable.
You didn't do anything wrong. Keep coming back. There is only one thing you can change and that is YOU. Slowly one day at a time you will learn and see hope from hearing others share. You need to do things for YOU..
It helps me to separate him from the disease when he does things that hurt me. And it's hard to do this until you learn about alcoholism.
You are not alone there are many others that will reply I am certain!
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Wednesday 15th of July 2009 07:48:08 PM
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
p.s. he'd also act like I was "psycho" for reacting the way I did.... writing the angry 2 e-mails that I sent and for being sad on the phone.
He said "no other woman has done that to him before (wrote an angry e-mail to him)". Do you think that's true? It really made me feel like I was going nuts.
We started off making each other laugh and we ended up, with him making me cry and me... writing and telling him how mean he is.
So, are their actions unpredictable? Do they do things that make no sense, like one minute, he's thinking/acting like I'm wonderful and the next minute jeopardizing our relationship?
Do they often blame us, for the failed relationship.... picking us apart?
Do they often come back even after a mean/volatile exchange? This happened 2 days ago.
He was "doubting our relationship" (not long after telling me how great he though I was) which really hurt, because I was trying so hard and can't imagine what I could have done wrong. Was that also the alcohol talking?
He didnt' like that I was a light weight...that I rarely drank, and when I did, I felt light headed.
Do they lack any feeling or sensitivity for others? He seemed to feel nothing for my sadness (that he caused).
He'd respond to something that was so off the mark and unimportant to the issue at hand (at the moment our relationship was ending).
Why/how did he have a 2 year relationship before me that lasted? Why did he treat me this way and not her...after all it lasted 2 years. It hurts so much and makes me wonder what was wrong with me.
I've learned that I have a choice in everything that occurs around me... and that while I'm not responsible for how the alcoholic (or others!) behave around me, how I "take" their behavior is up to me.
The more I do some soul-searching, I know that the Alcoholic in my life hasn't been the ONLY Jekyl and Hyde character in my life... I can behave that way, too! (I hate when my sponsor points out to me that when someone's behaving in a manner that raises my hackles, it's likely because it's a characteristic I'm guilty of, too. You know... when I point my finger at someone, if I take a look at my hand, I have three other fingers pointing right back at me...)
In any case, even if I'm being a bully, how my alcoholic behaves is not my fault. He could choose to "turn the other cheek" himself, and not yell at me or belittle me. But that scenario is not often the case with him, because the disease of alcoholism enjoys the fighting. It tells him, "Hey, we're disagreeing. That's horrible. I think I need a drink and that'll make me feel better."
I used to feel personally hurt and attacked when my AH would tell me the same thing "You're being emotional! Stop whining! Stop being a psycho!"
Now, if he says those things to me (which isn't too often anymore, because I'm working my program and not providing him with opportunities to engage in an argument), I sit there and remember my HP is right there with me, shielding me and helping me to hold my tongue, helping me to remember "this is the disease talking". I don't respond at all, except, perhaps, to let him know I don't feel comfortable with how he's talking to me, so I'm leaving the room.
Hope you can get to some f2f meetings. You'll find answers to your questions there in the faces and stories shared by others.
p.s. he'd also act like I was "psycho" for reacting the way I did.... writing the angry 2 e-mails that I sent and for being sad on the phone.
Yeah this is normal. He always told me I was crazy and was making him crazy when really it was the alcohol. But he had to find someone to blame other than himself..Your emails probably hurt him so he shifted the blame off of him to feel better.
He said "no other woman has done that to him before (wrote an angry e-mail to him)". Do you think that's true? It really made me feel like I was going nuts.
He would tell me I acted like all his crazy xgf;s and I would just politely say if it's such a repetitive problem why not look at yourself..
We started off making each other laugh and we ended up, with him making me cry and me... writing and telling him how mean he is.
It was always me that ended up crying. And he would make a big deal and tell me I had nothign to cry about..
So, are their actions unpredictable? Do they do things that make no sense, like one minute, he's thinking/acting like I'm wonderful and the next minute jeopardizing our relationship?
My sponsor always told me it's a waste of time to try and understand why A's do what they do.. But I'd have to say they are unpredictable all the time. Long story short--I quit enabling he foudn someone else- I got angry- he told me to leave time after time, finally when I did start to move he called the cops on me and told the cops "She is on the lease can't you make her stay" Don't have expectations of A's. When you do this you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Do they often blame us, for the failed relationship.... picking us apart?
I ended the relationship because he was an A and ended up cheating on me basically. I took 2 kids left with no job no nothing...He says I was selfish and only if I would have done this or that it would not have happened.. I have learned he blamed me for EVERYTHING that went wrong..
Do they often come back even after a mean/volatile exchange? This happened 2 days ago.
We argued so much before I came here. And the next morning he would act like nothing happened. He still consistently tells me he loves me, he misses me...blah, blah blah..
He was "doubting our relationship" (not long after telling me how great he though I was) which really hurt, because I was trying so hard and can't imagine what I could have done wrong. Was that also the alcohol talking?
He started doubting our relationship after awhile too woudl say maybe your just to young, maybe you are just this or that..It was NEVER his fault for anything..
He didnt' like that I was a light weight...that I rarely drank, and when I did, I felt light headed.
I used to ask him why he would always drink a lone and he would just say well if you would ever sit and drink with me...
Do they lack any feeling or sensitivity for others? He seemed to feel nothing for my sadness (that he caused).
Im not sure they lack feelings. I think they are maybe just afraid to share them. They are insecure from what I have seen.
He'd respond to something that was so off the mark and unimportant to the issue at hand (at the moment our relationship was ending).
My A did this all the time. I think he would do it to change subject and get my mind off of why I was mad, hurt or angry. I think he knew he was hurting me, but it was better he hurt me than be hurting himself. They are selfish people.
Why/how did he have a 2 year relationship before me that lasted? Why did he treat me this way and not her...after all it lasted 2 years. It hurts so much and makes me wonder what was wrong with me.
I think many A's stay with people that enable them. Once I came here and quit enabling is when he foudn someone else that would enable him. I would just like to add-this is just from my experience. I am no expert. I've been here 6-7 months take what you like and leave the rest.Read the poem here from the link it really helped me to understand him more when I first came here
Aloha Hanila...What you are describing here is classic alcoholism from both sides...the action and the reaction. You will not be able to understand the situation right away. Many of the responses you are offered here and experiences that are shared with you here can only let you know that we know where you're at and what is going on because we have been thru it also. For me the best place to get honest answers to your questions are in the face to face meetings of Al-Anon. The hotline number for your area is in the white pages of your telephone book. Call that number and get the times and places for our groups and then get there as quickly as you can. When you are there they may present you with a new comer information packet which has a lot of helpful information. There will be more information also available and some of the members there will be willing to give you their telephone numbers so that you can have direct contact as you need it. Al-Anon is call the "Family Group". It exist for and because of the family, friends, associates and co-workers who have been affected by an alcoholic's or someone elses drinking. Our first of twelve steps is the same as for the alcoholic, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable". Does that sound like what you're going thru right now?
Thanks Melissa. What does it mean, to enable? In what ways do we enable?
I remember he said that he didn't want me to count the number of beers he had. He made it clear that he did not want me to do that.
I also remember that he said, "I drink less with you than any other woman I've been out with". Then I said (not meaning anything by it), "well, maybe next time we won't do any drinking at all". He then said, under his breath " I'm not going to have some woman telling me when I can drink". I was shocked! That was before I knew he had a problem.
So, to enable means to be okay with the drinking and serve his beer with everything, etc....? Is that an enabler?
I'm so sad about this. I know it's better to be without him, but I feel so guilty for what I said and don't want him to think badly of me. Plus, I miss the good stuff that gave me hope.
I dont' think he'll ever speak to me again. It's been 2 days.
I copied this from about.com figured it would explain better than I could!
Cease doing anything that allows the alcoholic to continue their current lifestyle.
Do nothing to 'help' the alcoholic that he could or would be doing himself if he were not drinking.
Stop lying, covering up, or making excuses for the alcoholic, such as 'calling in sick' for him.
Do not take on responsibilites or duties that rightfully belong to the alcoholic.
Do not give or loan the alcoholic money.
Don't 'rescue' the alcoholic by bailing him out of jail or paying his fines.
Do not scold, argue or plead with the alcoholic.
Do not react to his latest misadventures, so that he can respond to your reaction rather than his actions.
Do not try to drink with the alcoholic.
Set boundaries, don't make threats, and stick to them.
Carefully explain to the alcoholic the boundaries that you have set, and explain that the boundaries are for you, not for him.
Tips:
Many times when an alcoholic's enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees.
To learn more about enabling and the family disease of alcoholism, attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area.
hanila wrote:
Thanks Melissa. What does it mean, to enable? In what ways do we enable?
I remember he said that he didn't want me to count the number of beers he had. He made it clear that he did not want me to do that.
I also remember that he said, "I drink less with you than any other woman I've been out with". Then I said (not meaning anything by it), "well, maybe next time we won't do any drinking at all". He then said, under his breath " I'm not going to have some woman telling me when I can drink". I was shocked! That was before I knew he had a problem.
So, to enable means to be okay with the drinking and serve his beer with everything, etc....? Is that an enabler?
I'm so sad about this. I know it's better to be without him, but I feel so guilty for what I said and don't want him to think badly of me. Plus, I miss the good stuff that gave me hope.
I dont' think he'll ever speak to me again. It's been 2 days.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I think some of his actions can be blamed on alcoholism but not all. I think I replied to your first post and said I could see that he was very controling. To me, his need to control seems over the top. He manipulates and belittles to do it. Almost like brainwashing tactics. I think he would have that character defect with or without the alcohol. It sounds like his problems go much deeper then alcohol.
If you hang with Alanon, you'll learn to spot the red flags so you aren't putting yourself in the same position again. Change begins with you.
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hanila, you described my A to a tee! Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with road rage!!! Yep, that's him.
I admit that I did not yet read your post in its entirety, because I am on my way out the door, but I will tell you this: None of it is YOUR fault! You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it! They have to have someone to blame. Guess who's handy???? The controlling aspect of the thing reinforces his need to raise his self-image, though not with any success, so he keeps it going.
I think, after reading a part of you post, that you are no longer with him. Good choice for you. I wish I had the moxie to do the same. YOU GO GIRL and take care of hanila.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
thanks for the book advise, but I think he's done with me. I would have done anything for him; help him, etc... whatever he needed.
Nevertheless, he was cruel on Monday night, hanging up on me, etc... I had panic and wrote him the e-mail that I regret and I don't think he'll ever forgive or forget. I was angry and reactive, because I was unfamiliar with how alcoholics behave and his meanness was not taken as illness, but as meanness. It's confusing to me.
I wish he'd forgive and we could discuss it and be caring toward each other, but I don't know if he wants that anymore.
Truth is, he would have been lucky to have had me. We are both very attracted to each other, I care deeply for people and I would have been his best ally and friend. However, I'm not an alcoholic and he'd probably prefer someone who is.
If we did make up, I'd be afraid and nervous. It would take time for me to get over it and learn to trust him and better understand his problem and I'd want him to get help.
