The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The end of June, I rented a Town & Country, and set off for a trip, 900 miles, from Ohio to Kansas, to visit my 88 year old mother who just moved into assisted living. With me, was traveling my 33 year old daughter, her husband of 5 years, his two teen age sons, and my granddaughter who is 19 months old.
We had a fun first day, kinda. Went to the Arch in St. Louis. Stayed at a hotel with a pool for the boys to play around in. We all shared a hotel room. But it was OK.
The next morning we went to Meramac Caverns in Missouri. The baby started to cry as we began our tour, so her daddy decided to stay outside with her. I told him I could watch her, as I had already seen the Caverns several times. He sounded irritated, said "no, she's my baby, I brought her, so I'll watch her." Kind rude. Oh, well. I let it slide. Then he got irritated cos I was taking pics, and he hates it when I do that, and I wasn't even taking them of HIM. Grrrrrrr. Can you say CONTROL FREAK???
Anyway, we finally made it to my moms, and I stayed with her on an airmattress on the floor, and the rest of the gang went and stayed in her condo she recently moved out of. There is still lots of furniture, cooking stuff, fridge, stove, all the stuff to make a really nice vacation home away from home.
So, about the second day, my son in law was acting all weird, saying the baby was sick and running a fever. She was FINE, wanting to play, he kept saying she was sick, and didn't want to leave her with me and my mom while they went out sight-seeing. Later he said well, what if something happened to my mom and I couldn't take care of her and the baby at the same time......duh, we are in a 3 story medical facility, with pull cords for a nurse in every room. By this time, I am getting really irritated, but still trying to make the best of the trip and not let it show.
After about the 3rd night, he still kept saying the baby was sick, but they took her swimming anyway. SHE WAS NOT SICK, like I said. Just his excuse to be a jerk. He is afraid to have anyone else watch her. I think he uses it as as excuse to not work.
Anyway, I sent my daughter a text one evening to ask what their plans were for the next day. I was letting them have full use of the car I had rented, cos I just wanted to hand around with my mom. She kept texting back for me to talk to her hustand. Well, I didn't want to talk to HIM, I wanted to talk to HER.
So, the next afternoon, she wants me and her husband to sit down and have a discussion and get everything out in the open. OK. No problem. So they come to my mom's place, and my sister and I meet them in the dining area.
My son in law gets out a piece of paper and a pen, like he's a lawyer or something, and goes "Why do you hate me?" I said "I don't, I just don't agree with some things you do" and he said if I couldn't respect his position as a parent, I couldn't see my granddaughter. WHAT THE HELL! omg! I was so mad, I couldn't even see. I have let things slide and let things go. I don't like a lot of things he does with the baby, doesn't keep her clean, I went over one day, it was noon, she still hadn't been up for the day yet, her head was soaked with dried Pediasure. He doesn't work, my daughter does, he takes care of the baby on a full time basis. But, that is their business. I always said, whatever works for them. As long as my daughter is happy and the baby is cared for, who am I to say. But now I keep seeing stuff that upsets me. Anyway............
When he said I couldn't see the baby, I just went blind and stood up and said "Go straight to Hell!" and I walked out, my sister walked behind me, leaving my daughter sitting there with her mouth open, with him.
Next day, my daughter called and wanted to bring the baby over to see mom. She stayed about 2 hours, but seemed really tired and preoccupied. Her husband sent his boys up to Mom's apartment to help her with the baby's stuff. They leave, she tells me she loves me and she'll call me.
The next day, I get up, and about 11 am, I get a text message from my son in law, saying the car was at the apartment. I thought they had gotten mad and rented their own vehicle, and left the car I had rented at my mom's old condo. Not so.
They had left in the night, and drove straight back to Ohio, at least a 12-15 hour trip, and LEFT ME THERE WITH NO MONEY AND NO VEHICLE. So, I reported the car stolen, as he had no right to drive it back to Ohio and leave me stranded. The police impounded the car, and my son in law was not charged, as they did not find him with the vehicle.
I contacted the car rental office, they arranged for another vehicle for me to drive back to Ohio, and didn't even charge me for it. And they issued me a credit for the first vehicle, since it got turned in early. And they loaned me a GPS to use to get back home, as the GPS we used on the way, which I borrowed from my boyfriend, was in the first vehicle.
They left me on a Wednesday, and I got the replacement vehicle, and drove back home, by myself, 877 miles straight thru, on Friday. I was so tired, and so hurt, and so angry. I had texted my dau. the day I found out the car had been stolen and she said oh, they would arrange for my son in law's mom to get me a plane ticket. I didn't want to fly home, I wanted to Drive, it was not their decision to make. I know this story is screwy.
I have since talked to my daughter, and told her I had reported it stolen, he had no right to do that. And if I had pressed charges on him, I would have had to include her, according to the police, since she was a "willing participant".
She realizes, I think, how totally messed up this situation is. All the time I was married to my ex AH, my son in law was pretty nice to me, and we used to get along great. I think he felt a little superior to me, since I was living in hell, and at least he didn't treat my daughter like that. Well, now I'm not sure. I think she's hiding a lot.
Anyway, I made it home, I even brought a lot of things my mom had been wanting me to bring home with me, furniture, and a whole SUV full of stuff. And I got to go visit Laura Ingalls Wilder's home in Mansfield, Missouri, where she wrote the Little House Books.
Had I been with those maniacs, I couldn't have done that.
So, I'm taking one day at a time. My daughter did deposit $350 in my account so I would have money to get home on.
I am just so angry that a special trip to visit my mom, and introduce her to her great-granddaughter got so screwed up by my son in law. My mom said he'd better never come back. She was so upset.
He has total disregard for anyone. I hope I don't have to talk to him again.
Meanwhile, my daughter is bringing the baby next week for dinner.
Why does life have to be so hard. It has been over a year since I have felt that bad, so upset and angry. Not since I left my AH. I tried hard to apply what I have learned, but sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and walk away. That is what I'm doing with my son in law, because he is rude and hateful. I hope my daughter wakes up someday, just like I did.
Love in Recovery, Becky1
oh, yeah, and I forgot to mention that I planned this trip because the company I work for had shut down for this week, so it was a good time to take a vacation......and I am losing my job in August....I've worked there 22 years. I had put so much into this trip, cos who knows when or if I'll be back to see my family, due to $$$, vacation time, etc. I just can't believe my son in law chose this special time, to show his stupidity. It was the first time he had met our family from Kansas. And my daughter so much wanted to show off her husband, they've been together for 10 years, married for 5. Well, she sure showed him off, alright......and no one wants him to come back. Life is so sad.
-- Edited by Becky1 on Wednesday 15th of July 2009 08:33:39 PM
-- Edited by debilyn on Friday 17th of July 2009 01:20:41 AM
Becky, I am so sorry that your special time with your Mom was ruined by son in law. I can totally relate to having a jerk for a son in law.
Two years ago we were celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary with a big party with family and friends. We had about 37 people at a restaurant and then to the house for cake and coffee---no booze was served. Well, daughter and son in law show up drunk even before the party started.
To make a very long story short, he is no longer my son in law. The divorce was final first of July. He is an alcholic, as is my daughter. The scene he created at our special party put a rift in the family from that day to this day. Including my daughter. She thought they did nothing wrong.
I am glad you still have a relationship with your daughter and granddaughter. That is so precious. I do not know what to think of your son in law's actions. Hold close the relationship you have with your daughter. Once again, sorry for what he caused you. I know it was so very tramatic for you and your mom.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Becky, That was a nightmare, and I think you handled it very well. Your Mother sounds like a very spunky lady, as well. The son-in-law reminds me of some of the snarky things my former son-in-law could pull. And of a certain type of alcoholic, when he was drinking. (Where do you go to sign up for one of those sweet alcoholics? Grins.) Your daughter seems to have at least enough gumption to bring the baby to see you. I hope it all works out for the best. I hope your share inspired the growth of some vertebrae here and there. I could surely use a few more. Hugs, Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hi, I was wondering what you were up to. Families blended and all. It does sound like control. I have found that I can stand strong but with my grandchildren it is really hard to keep quiet about other people's parenting. They tell us to detach. Sounds like you did on some levels.
The end of June, I rented a Town & Country, and set off for a trip, 900 miles, from Ohio to Kansas, to visit my 88 year old mother who just moved into assisted living. With me, was traveling my 33 year old daughter, her husband of 5 years, his two teen age sons, and my granddaughter who is 19 months old.