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God i dont know where to start............. ok im a mum of 3 kids and husband to whom ive been married to for 10 years. 16 days ago after a weekend drunk session with his "mates" he admitted he was an alcoholic of 12 years getting worse over the last 7. I was really pleased that finally he had admitted it and he rang his dad a recovering for 29 years for advice and off he goes to AA. Hes now been dry for 15 days.
The aa have been brilliant for him and this is where my problem lies the al-anon group here has closed for the foreseeable future. I have no one to turn to, ive read most of the al-anon literature but cannot get to a f2f. I have tried supporting him but he keeps saying i dont know what he means. Ive tried detaching and then he gets annoyed (when drunk he has a nasty temper) what do i do??
He doesn't understand that this affects us all. He keeps saying im the same man just a sober one so i organized a group of people (non drinkers) and our kids to go to the beach for the day and at the time he was all for it. But last night he said i dont know whether i can cope with the whole day( we need the whole day as we are 2 hrs away from the beach) so how can i treat him as him when hes letting it affect OUR lives. There is no option for me taking the kids by myself as my eldest is autistic and i need him there to help with the other 2. If i try to discuss it and see his point of view im being selfish. I just am at my wits end.
welcome here (((rach))) to MIP & al-anon. There is a very good book called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews that helps a lot with early recovery. It is most excellent & should shed some light for you. You say you have tried supporting him but he says you cant relate and this is most likely true - an A has a certain type of thinking that non-A's dont have. He needs support from other addicts. This is where the program comes in for him. If he needs support he ought to get to a mtg, call sponsor, work program. For you, you alos need support and this is a family disease. It does effect us all. Al-anons tend to be emotionally enmeshed with their A's... you absolutely need to learn how to detach but that will come with time. Sure they feel it when we make that shift in energy but spending our lives, sitting, waiting & watching them, is selfish to you - you are not living your life by doing that. And A's just want our energy, time, attention, awareness, love, they want it all - this how they become enabled. You must learn to stop enabling. Al-anon will teach you how to cope, work the steps, get a sponsor and get support.
I realize f2f mtgs are what is suggested but for now if u cant get to or find mtgs in your area, use the online forum. There are two mtgs in the everyday and 24/7 chat at other times. Talk to others there, reach out, share your feelings and issues, work the steps & it will get better. The way to recovery is brutal honesty & willingness. Not over night but with hard work you can change yourself and improve your life. Al-anon has helped me in all areas of life, I can apply the tools to any situation/circumstance. It can help you to.
We are here to support you.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 15th of July 2009 06:53:38 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
ty kitty thats helped me loads. How do i "ignore" this do i say yes dear and not offer the advice he needs and say ring your sponsor? Its hard to love someone so much that you have to let them get on with it as such and as you said that will come with time.
-- Edited by rach04 on Wednesday 15th of July 2009 07:09:27 AM
We dont have boundaries in an A household, so you will learn to develop some in time. We cant fix them, we can only fix us. I certainly wouldnt be offering an A advice - he can get suggestions from other addicts who have been where he is & who have recovered. Sure if he is having a problem, u could say 'ring ur sponsor' - that will give him space to have the dignity to adress his own life/issues/addiction.
What we focus on grows - so focus on YOU. I guess ignoring, might be a good substitue for "detachemnt" but loving detachment is not about ignoring per se, but just 'not going there' is u will. Again - only he can deal with his issues, not you.
Learn to love yourself and this will be the best way to support him.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Just wanted to give you some other resources. There is information on a lone member program. Go here to request info: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/grpsrvreqlm.html
And, for other electronic meetings, go here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/grpsrvreqform.html
But you're at the right place here, too. It's so sad for me to hear when there are no f2f meetings available to some. Where is the next closest one?
I can see how your AH would not be able to deal with a whole day at the beach in his early recovery. I witnessed this during the brief time in my AH's life where he tried to stop drinking and was attending AA. Every day was a challenge for him - some times minute by minute was a challenge for him - his body was screaming for alcohol. When a person has a screaming monkey like that on their back, it would be hard to cope with much else.
Just keep coming back... get to as many meetings as you can in the next week (f2f or otherwise)... get a sponsor and start working the steps. Your life can be better than what you're experiencing now.
Hello rach and welcome , sorry no al anon meeting in your area but ufound us and our chat room is open 24 -7 always some one there to talk to . we have meetings daily at 9pm eastern time am and pm . He says u don't understand him , well frankly u never will understand his compulsion to drink = he will never truly understand how what he does has affected you . Alot of alcoholics seem to assume that because thier sober WE should be ok , well were not anger and fear have been our companions for along time and they just don't go away when they stop drinking . Early sobriety is crazy making time for the whole family . for me supporting our A is minding our own business , his recovery is just that his . to keep things simple try doing the opposite to what u have always done and it has to work out diff , in other words if you are the type to stay quiet while they take thier anger out on you speak up and try I am sorry u feel that way and walk away no one has the right to abuse u verbally our detachent pamphlet says to not allow anyone to use or abuse you in the name of anyones recovery. you have the books read all u can on detachment u will find the index at the back of the daily readers , all pages listed there relate to the topic of detachment , find a page u like do what it says to the best of your ability and you will begin to feel better. focus on your needs and leave him to AA . You mentioned a trip to the beach , if hubby doset want to go is there a friend that could come and help u with your son >> better than staying home . Plan B works , make your plans just don't plan the outcome ,works for me . there is a page in the ODAT daily reader on july 14th change the word alcoholic to your husb name and follow the instructions - this works wether they are still drinking or not . that page has improved al of my relationships. come to the chat room talk things out with people who understand attend the meetings and things will get easier . Louise
Welcome Rach. Everyone here will help you out. My BF is 3 months sober and I am trying to heal myself. Personally I don't think Alanon helps me but all I can say is take it one day at a time and try to fix you. Its a hard road but stay strong and do what you feel is necessary to have a happy life for you and your kids.
- this works wether they are still drinking or not . that page has improved al of my relationships. come to the chat room talk things out with people who understand attend the meetings and things will get easier . Louise