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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> guilt
Post Info TOPIC: guilt
mary j


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guilt
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Hello everyone
i'v just read todays Courage to Change and today its about GUILT.
As the Mother of my AD i  have great problem with this one.
My AD started drinking as a teenager cos she had probs coping with the fact she was Gay.( I didn't know she was Gay till many years after.)
My problem is,  i gave birth to her so i feel i made her life a struggle.
How do i make amends?
    Mary

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Rita G


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hmm - guilt is a tough one.

is it realistic guilt or unrealistic guilt?

In same cases after careful examination, I have found I was carrying guilt for things that I had no business feeling responsible for. The way that I was affected by this disease is that if a flea from the farest ends of the Earth suffered a slightest ounce of pain - I felt responsible -I felt shame.

That my friend is very unrealistic guilt.

Several of my daughters have some unresolved issues from their childhood - After all - who doesn't? In working my fourth step - I had tons of guilt. I learned in recovery - I did the best I could with what I had at the time.

That doesn't make all the things I did right or wrong. It just "Is what it is"

I went to my daughters with this type of a statement.

"I know that life was not perfect growing up in our dysfunctionaly home. I know that there are many things I could have done better - some things I did ok, some things I did great and some things I failed at. I truly wish that I had done a better job as a Mom for you. Most of all what I would like you to know is that I loved you then, I love you now and I will always love you - NO matter what. I hope and pray that you will accept my amends for the wrongs and accept my love"

This is how I worked on my amends and healing my relationships with my 5 daughters. It doesn't make everything perfect with us but we are closer and are able to communicate better.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Peace,
Rita




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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
glad lee


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My sponsor would ask me this:

Do you believe your HP forgives you?

If HP forgives you, and you refuse to do so, is that not making YOURSELF higher power? Is that not imposing your own will?

It's like saying, I believe I've already been forgiven, but I think I should be punished more, I should suffer for this...

And HP says, "You no longer have to do this, I forgive you, I love you! Let me have all, the good and the bad, be at peace with me."





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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
debilyn


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Do you blame  your parents for your struggles?

Guilt is a wasted emotion. All it does it hurt.

Life is hard for everyone!  No one gets out alive! hugs,deb

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kitty


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I believe we are all given life by god & it is a gift of god.  The parents are the vehicle by which we are transported.  I also believe we are in god's imgae with that spark within us.  So we are god & come from god ~ we all have lessons in life to learn and have to take that human walk.  We are individulas struggling together in our human walks. 

I know certain enetites would tell you there is something wrong/stigma with addiction &/or homosexuality.  If you buy into what society tells us ~ there will alwyas be something wrong with you.  I dont buy it.  My sexuality doesnt make me who I am, nor does what I look like or what I drive or where I work.  Who I am is in my heart & soul, in my consciousness & in my deeds on the planet.

Relase yourself from this social judgement embrace your child (spiritually &/or  figuratively) for being a child of HP/god.  Forgive yourself, yes you delivered her to life but she is only a speck of you - she is her own unique wonderful soul.  You didnt "make" her gay, just like you didnt "make" her an addict.  I agree with rita, this is false guilt - you are making it up inside of you.  You did not do anything wrong by your child.  Forgive yourself, forgive her, give it to god/HP.  And if you cant, pray for the willingness to release this ~ & enjoy your lives as much as you can.  It is short and like debilyn said, none of us get out alive.  I pray this message is truly delivered to you & your child and u can both be free from this social stigma and you can both accept the truth/reality.  Blessings to you, mamma.

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
mary j


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thanks for all your reply.
you are right it is False guilt, never looked at it that way before. My sons gay to and niether of them have ever blamed me.
It was 20years ago my AD came out, she found it hard and started drinking. I think its more out in the open these days, which is a good thing. I hav NO probs with it, we r very close. ( when she's not drinking). She,s been on a binge for 3wks now and going down hill fast. Im trying  to "let go and let god". cos i know its better for both of us. 
But finding it hard.
    Thanks  again   
                  Mary                     

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