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Hello, I am 48 yrs old, married 20yrs with 15yr boy/girl twins. For the last year our life has been a mess. My spouse is drinker and verbal abuser. His drinking and abuse has gotten worse over the years, last year things esclated to the point he moved out, in, out and in. I have been to counseling (alone), to my pastor and reached out to friends. I have admitted to him that i dread coming to bed, don't want to sleep with him and i am no longer in love with him. When he gets mad he calls me names, , , , you name it, not only does he call me names but he calls our kids names. He belittles them, i could go on and on... i have my faults in the marriage, i have admitted to them. I know that i am the enabler, by staying in this situtation i am enabling him to treat us this way. I need to learn more about how to handle the situtation we live in and how to move forward.
-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 14th of July 2009 12:19:59 AM
If you could begin attending meetings in your area, that'd be great. There is also Alateen for your twins.
Abuse, no matter what kind is a terrible thing to live with. For now, my best suggestion is when his abusive behavior starts, leave. Leave the house, leave the room, take the kids..just get away from it somehow. He can't do it if you aren't there. Try not to defend yourself by arguing back. It just escalates the problem. That's a short term fix, and one I have used many times. I explored parks, picked up my Grandson for ice cream, went for drives. I know, it doesn't seem fair that I'm suggesting "you" leave when he is the problem. It's actually called taking care of yourself. We do that by doing what's best for us (and our children). I always considered it "leaving them with their own problem". It'd be a good idea to teach your children to do the same (if possible) if you aren't around. It needs to stop, especially for the children.
When he is allowed to move in and out and in again..it says "no boundaries "to him, thus the escalation. He has no reason to stop at this point. He has no consequences to his actions. Boundaries are put in place for our own good, Not to try to control them. But with each boundary there has to be a consequence if it is crossed. It's your job to create your own boundaries. A simple boundary was described above. He calls you names and crosses that boundary, you make it impossible to hear the abuse...leave. If he gets himself in a mess, he gets himself out. We teach people how to treat us. We also teach them how not to treat us.
Find a meeting...nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Al-Anon is def the place for you. Find local meetings in your area & attend, work the steps and learn to focus on you. It takes two to fight. My exAH was a bully & he certainly enjoyed it when I argued with him. That's what they want - a rise out of you, so they can in turn blame you & then justify their own behavior.
As u work the program & the steps & become healthier... u will be able to help your kids in time. For them, there is always alateen, which they are certainly old enough to attend. Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive family disease... meaning it gets worse & effects the whole family. Getting you & ur kids healthier will allow you all to have new choices in your life. Your an adult & you've made the decisions so far... being someone who grew up in that life, I can say how unfair it is for kids to be subjected to verbal abuse - it robs all self worth. You & your kids deserve more than that.
Welcome to MIP & al-anon.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You hit the nail on the head, man if i have said it once i have said it a thousand of times....he is not suffering any consequences for his actions and it's teaching our son that bad behavior is ok....and it's not. I have told him more than once he drinks too much and have even told him he's an alcoholic, he response is he is not going to quit. He owns his own business and said if we divorce he will let everything go back and put me in bankruptcy, said he cann't live in the same town with me, etc...always i am crazy for wanting out of a marriage with a man who is crazy about me and would do anything for me...but quit drinking. Saturday evening we went to dinner (our daughter was with us) and of course he left the house with a drink, went to the bar for a drink and got mad because i wouldnt have one, there was this couple sitting at the bar, holding hands, inter acting with loving actions to each other, he turns to me and says....."she likes him, that's how i should act" i didn't respond, but of course i really wanted to tell him, "i bet he doesn't call her a B...tch, etc..... I am very excited about learning how to coupe and make myself well, as well as my kids. Thanks for your input and support.
Thanks Kitty, for the words of encouragement. I didn't grow up in this way, it makes me very sad that my kids are caught up in the midst of his angry and drinking. THere have been several occassions when my son has asked me how bad does it have to get before i do something??? Man that hurts, i am suppose to be the adult. He just recently got back from going on vacation with friends, the first chance got he wanted to know if his dad left any while he was gone and how things were at the house. I didn't lie, sometimes i worry that i tell them to much and i know they see and her too much. I pray daily that God will give me the strenght to get me and the kids out. I have found a place to live that i think i can afford, but making that step is hard. Because my spouse has threathened to put us in bankruptcy if i leave. Well, i am at work, so i best get back to business. Thanks again for the encouragement.
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, you name it, not only does he call me names but he calls our kids names. He belittles them, i could go on and on... i have my faults in the marriage, i have admitted to them. I know that i am the enabler, by staying in this situtation i am enabling him to treat us this way. I need to learn more about how to handle the situtation we live in and how to move forward.