The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first came to Alanon all those years ago, and then returned via this family, I would never have thought that I would still think of myself as a child, but I do. I have so much to learn and it seems that as soon as I have learnt one lesson there is another just waiting in the wings for me to begin to grapple with.
However, I can say with hand on heart that although this seems to be a real lifetime schooling I know I am creeping forward and, slowly climbing the rungs of the ladder.
I have stopped thinking of my blips as slip backs, I now think of the as pauses, pauses that enable me to really examine my understanding of the steps in this programme and my perceptions of what it means to work these steps.
Recently I thought I had really messed up. Now I realise that I did not. It just required me to stop and think and wait. And whilst doing that I needed to let go of my fears, my anxieties and my "will I be able to do this?" flutter in the pit of my stomach.
Slowly I think I am beginning to transform myself from the frightened-rabbit-in-the-car-headlights to a mature creature who knows the meaning of caution without it meaning scared.
Does this make any sense to any of you?
This does not mean that I will not feel frightened at any time in the future, I think it means that I know that not everything that I am scared of is actually scary. And I think that this is making a difference.
Thank you for letting me put this down on paper, sometimes if I don't it just keeps going around my head as I question every move, thought, action to the ennth degree and that, I realise, is not always healthy.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I have grappled too with wondering if I had grown in this program the way I should, still being in the "infancy" stage and needing al-anon milk instead of real food. I think it's a matter of Progress not Perfection and that this program is a process and not a destination. I still need to "feed" on the simplicity of the Serenity prayer, Steps 1,2,&3 and drink in the wisdom of the slogans on a daily basis. The "meat" of the program and the peace and serenity that it has brought have come to me also. The spiritual awakening that is spoke of in the 12th step has come to me as well. This is a gift of the program and of working the steps. I don't think we ever truly "arrive" though. It is a continual process of growing and learning from those we sponsor and those who sponsor us. It is a fellowship of kindred hearts coming from similar backgrounds and experiences that makes us so special to each other. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Suzannah.
Yours in Recovery,
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I too relate sue. Not worrying anymore, knowing I cannot control whatever it is anyway, it's like ok whatever. Hp will take over where I leave off.
Being a JW there are many things I believe from the Bible that used to scare me. But since I learned and acted on the tools from Al Anon, I know what true faith is, and know there is nothing to be afraid of because I totally trust HP. Of course it all started from my beliefs and from hp, however Al Anon helped too becuz many truths here are from the Bible.
You know I have been struggling for years sue, in so much pain from all the loss in my life.
Now I feel healed. I also know what it takes to not go thru that again.Hp is always here, I don't feel alone.
I am sooo glad you have reached this comfort level. You can only get better and better! love,deb
Yep... I know that one too, and thanks for putting this out there :) I like your ideas of not "Back Sliding" and just "pausing" allowing time to think it thru, that is a wonderful way to look at it for me, I have to realize that my Pauses have to happen as well as my accomplishments or there would be no need and i would be back to attemping to run my own life, which we all know, Only The God of my Understanding can do that...With a little help from me :)
Thanks for your post Suz... You always display such strength...
(((((Over))))))))))) I hear you and you are so worthy of a huge thank you. I see you as you walk your path of recovery and it inspires me. And I agree, I do not think I will ever arrive...this journey will last me my whole life time. How wonderful because that means I will grow throughout my life time too, as you will and I like what I see growing.
(((((((((((((Tricia)))))))))))))) I want to hold you till I cry and then hold you again until I smile for you are sooooo special and courageous and wonderful. You remain in my prayers as you walk your road. I would not go back for one moment in time to that old life no matter what I have now...for my growth here in this family has given me a new lease of life and the quality of it is so much better. Thank you and sending you serenity.
(((((((((((((Deb)))))))))))))) I hold you in a special place for I know how hard it has been and I have watched and listened these last years and seen soooooooooooo much growth in you. Your attitude, your fears, your losses have changed, added, and coloured your life so very much and you truly are a rainbow...and like the Butterfly breaking free, here you are in all your splendid remnants and joyful fluttering. You have given me so much, thank you.
(((((((((((((((Joz)))))))))))))) I so remember when you first posted after your father's death...so close to my own father's death...is this the same Jozie I read about now I wonder? No no, she has so changed and grown. The God of your understanding has blessed you as mine has, time and time again. And this family holds us close and shares and comforts and grows with us too. Thank you too for your kindness in words...sometimes I do not see the strength in me that others see.
There have been so many miracles in this family and it is as I write these responses to OVERCOME, TLC, DEB and JOZIE that I see clear miracles in front of me...I need go no further to witness them here are just four of them. How wonderful.
It makes me want to stop and think and write each miracle that I have seen in others so that newbies are encouraged by such wonders.
Thank you, everyone. Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
