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My husband seems to be slacking on the basic maintenance of our pool these days. The pool has always been his responsibility for as long as we've been together. We live in Arizona and it's really hot now, so the pool needs extra attention. Do I figure out how to do those things and start taking care of them myself, or is this one of those things that I need to leave alone and let it be his problem?
If the pool turns green (like it has a few times in the past few months), not only do we risk getting mosquitos, but we can't swim in it.
Last night he left a note for himself to shock the pool (it should be done at night). Well this morning I could tell that the pool wasn't shocked. I asked him if he did it, and he said "no," like it was no big deal and the fact that he didn't seem to care about it really pissed me off.
What does taking care of YOURSELF look like? If living with a clean pool is a necessity for you, I would definitely learn how to do it myself.
Do you have any control over whether or not he does his chores? I never did. So, I did a lot myself, however, you have to be careful to do it with the mindset that this is what you need to do for YOURSELF. Don't do ANYTHING that's going to give you a resentment.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 13th of July 2009 10:37:55 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I always looked at these sort of things two ways..
1. It can't hurt to learn in case I am ever w/o my A. Now he's been in Alaska 3 yrs. and I'm glad I learned and taught myself so I'm not dependant on anyone but me.
2. I've paid to have things done that he procrastinated about. Which didn't go over too well, but oh well!! I wasn't willing to watch things get totally ruined until he decided to do it.....and the money came out of his pocket
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi.. Im Cathy.. And understand your question.. LIke Cristy t hough when i cant into this program I had to learn to do things on my own.. Including living on my own.. I had never done that and I was in my 30's.. and with learning to live alone meant learning to do alot of things on my own.. I still depended on people.. ANd alot of times i was left out in the dark so to speak.. I remember when I got my first place.. I was so scared that my niece stayed with me.. Had no food so had to go grocery shopping.. I had never done that just for me.. Took three hours.. lol!!! I had no idea what i liked alone.. Likely she had alot of patience with me.. Learning to do things on your own can be hard.. However if you can do it and do it for you.. And not do it with a resentment then do it.. LIke crysty said.. learning to do things for yourself incase your "A" is not there one day is a good thing.. Then you will not be totally lost like I was.. I am glad i hae learned to do things on my own.. And I am in a aparrtment that i have been in alone for three years.. Well I have a cat.. And she does keep be compan.. Luckly though she can not become and "A".. lol!! THere are still some things I am learning.. However I am learning.. LIke this morning.. I had to call the pound to come get a kitten I loved dearly.. HOwever it was for both of our goods. She could not hear.. Has been sick since i found her and I Could not take her to the vet.. PRoblem though she peed on everything.. And that i could not have.. I loved her and adored her.. HOwever i had to make a very hard decision.. Its part of what this program taught me. To learn to depend on me.. You asked what alanon could do.. I dont know how long you have been in the program.. But my answer is that like me.. It can teach you to take care of you.. If can give you people that can help you when you dont know what to do.. Just as it has taught me to live alone.. and to ask for help.. I hope so of this help.. Good luck hun..
As the disease progresses the person does less and less. Cares about less and less.
At some point they mess up what they do anyway.
I don't say a thing and do it. I mean because I use the pool.
I had to undo a gate my AH put in that was "permanently shut." I did not say anything.
For me keeping emotions out of it was so helpful. He is sick, I cannot control him, or have any expectations so I do it myself and don't beat anyone up.
Being married to an A it is never going to be a traditional marriage. That is what makes me say I had my own money, house cars etc. Sadly I learned this after his disease ruined my credit and I almost lost my home.
Lets say if you did not ask him, did it yourself. It would be finished. You would not feel resentful or be kicked in the face again how we have no control over anyone but ourself.
IF it is his shop or his dirty cloths on the floor, I leave that. Be glad he is not at the point yet he never bathes or takes showers, makes a mess in the bed and leaves it.
Al-Anon tells us to take care of our own needs , to me if u enjoy the pool or have kids who count on it , learn how to do it yourself , or as already suggested ask hubby one more time if he will look after it toot sweet OR if u can afford it you are going to hire someone to look after it . Suffering to prove a point makes no sence . I have found that when i try to teach someone a lesson I am usually the one that gets the lesson . go figure enjoy the pool and summer . Louise
I agree - if you use the pool, then you may need to go ahead and learn how to keep it maintained. I certainly had to - and I honestly don't mind it. I am my own cabana boy Actually, it's not that big a deal once you get it clean - just keep an eye on the chlorine levels and you're good to go. Also, if there's a Leslie's Pool Supplies in your area, they will test your water for free and advise you what to do to correct it if there's a problem.
Likewise with yard work - I got tired of it not being done and of resenting my AH for not taking care of it. So I called up a yard service and now write a check every other week for the lawn to be mowed and edged. Totally worth it. My yard no longer looks like wild animals live here and I no longer resent my AH for not carrying his load.
Thank you everyone - everything that was said makes total sense. I guess if I am to take care of the pool myself, I will definitely have to doit for ME so I don't feel resentment towards him for not doing it.
That kind of falls along the same lines of our finances. Every since we've been together, he has handled the finances and that was fine by me - I didn't want to deal with it. But now it's looking more and more like I may need to start figuring those out too (in case AH ends up spending some time in jail for his DUI). Besides, my therapist thought it would be a good idea to start handling things around the house on my own, so I don't feel so powerless.
the number one thing i regret was not insisting on handling the household finances from the very beginning. AH always wanted to keep "his" finances separate and i stupidly agreed. now i have started handling his finances combined with mine and... well, it's a puzzle. now i realize how much he was lying to me about his credit cards, the utility bills, etc... if i had gotten hold of all the bills earlier, i'd be able to get ahead of his debt we're in. anyway it IS empowering to be the household accountant and the person who takes care of things around the house. it doesn't matter how i got here, i'm just glad that i finally did and can take care of my own money. i would recommend it to any woman out there.
I am in northern Arizona and it is hot here too. My AHsober moved out 4 years ago. At the same time my last son graduated from high school. So I was on my my own after 30 years of marriage (before that dependent on my parents). Long before that I just had a sense of could I really take care of myself? I have learned so much - you know guy things like cars and chain saws. If I can't figure it out I ask friends, colleagues, strangers. As is said above, you may end up on your own if your A is disabled or leaves, etc.
I heard this at an AA meeting last night. He said he had many, many unfinished jobs to do. My Ahsober was such a procrastinator. I would just throw up my hands and pay someone to do it. He would bitch about the cost (especially car repair) and how he could do it cheaper and how they just rip you off.
