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Hi all, been awhile since i have posted, but i still come here every morning to get my daily dose of love, support and esh...
Lived through hell of living with my fiance for years, finally got to a point where it was me dying slowly or him. Told him to leave, dug into alanon and started a new life for me and my kids. Fast forward 6 months he comes back into my life and asks for help. Since Jan he has almost died 4 times and rushed to the hospital non responsive. The last time, i did nothing.just waited for the call to tell me it was over. That call never came but a guy from AA said, enough is enough and went and got him out of hiss drinkng cave he was holed up in for 2 weeks. He was non responsive, and rushed to the hospital. After 11 days in the hospital he went into treatment again for 60 days. Amazingly he regained the damage done and was making progress. He really worked the program, and i saw a huge difference in his personality. He got a job, moved into sober living and was spending a day or 2 with me and my kids. I was so thankful to God, it was progress.
Here i sit today, he would have had 90 days today and we were gonna celebrate. Instead he has been missing for 5 days. He called day 2 and told me he was using and i calmly said " i cant help you, but you are and always will be in my prayers." No one has heard from him since. He was kicked out of his sober house, sold his phone for cash, spent all his money and is just vanished "poof" I really have been doing well with my program, going to work, taking care of me and my kids, and reading everything i can alanon. Problem is i woke up today and the fear is kicking in big time. Is he dead? Is he hurt? Where is he? I am the only one he turns to...yet nothing. I know he has no phone now and that scares me because he cant even call to ak for help if he is ready....I have watched this man alamost die 5 times this year alone....please give me ESHHHHH
On a good note, it is the disease i hate, not him. I have really learned to seperate the 2 and remember he is hurting and fighting for his life. I know how bad he wants to be a "normal" man and i know and feel his pain. It breaks my heart for him because i know this is a major shame factor for him. I love him as a man, i hate the disease.
His family has decided they r done, been there done that...They dont understand the disease concept and want me to just walk away.....I cant do that, i wouldnt just leave a hurt dog on the side of the road, i sure cant do that to the man i love. I know boundaries, wont resue him but i am praying he will call and not the cops telling me to come id his body....
This disease is an E ticket to .....please help me ....
-- Edited by debilyn on Monday 13th of July 2009 01:53:57 PM
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
I wish I had the right words to say to help you with that pain but you already know there is NOTHING I can say that will make it go away. This kind of pain runs deep and it will take years of healing before it will go away - even if you do get the call that says he is "ok". Our physical, mental and emotional bodies take some serious damage when we go thru this type of stress. It takes a long time to heal from this.
Right now, my only suggestion is to pour out the self-care on YOU. I have always been told when our alcoholic/addict loved ones are at their worst - when need to be at our best. We need our physical, spiritual and mental health to be at their very top so that we can take care of ourselves and whatever else needs to be done on our side of the street.
So, try to do your self-care - journal, attend meetings, read your literature, eat good meals, try to sleep when you can - try to remember worrying won't solve anything. When you feel that tightness in your stomach - maybe say a prayer asking your HP to give you peace and give you the courage and wisdom to make it thru another day or hour!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Oh wow that is how I was feeling a few days ago. I just learned that my A (sons's father I moved out 2 months ago..)has cirrosis and supposedly pancreas problems. The night he told me he was really sick and said he was dizzy and felt like his eyes were watery.
I asked him to go to the hospital, but he refused. I thought for sure he was going to die especially since the next few days I heard nothing from him. He doesn't have a cell phone either. I thought I was going to go crazy. I cried often and just kept worrying. I did find out he is alright for now which was a huge relief.
But now that I have had time to think about it I have decided that I am not his HP. I can't fix him. If he dies he may be better off. He is in a lot of pain and keeps going through this crazy merry go round. He did sign up for outpatient treatment because insurance wont cover inpatient.
Sorry I guess I don't really have any good esh just wanted you to know I can relate and you are not alone. This is a horrible disease and because of all this I have learned to have more compassion for him. I know this disease has done a lot to him physically and mentally.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
You seem to be doing the only thing you can do, and doing it well. There is no magic wand that makes us "not care". We detach from the disease but still care about the person, as you say. Alanon is most helpful with many aspects of the disease. In your situation there is still a few tools to use. Like, "don't project" the future. Although his past is what it is, you just can't know the future. Stay in the "now". Right now you have not heard anything terrible. Hang on to that "just for today".
Shame could be keeping him from resurfacing and money will run out sooner or later. I suppose with his history, if the family filed a missing persons report that the police wouldn't tear up the town looking for him anyway.
Hang in there, I know it's rough. There's just nothing much you can do but keep taking care of you.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me I had to exaust all options. Mine got out of jail, dui, was suppose to call me but did not.
I had gotten letters and we had plans etc. I went to all the shelters, places homeless people hung out, that was scarey.
Then I made fliers and put them all over the place. His sis saw the fliers, called and told me where he was. I went there and was horrified.
Anyway, I learned to picture him in HP's hands. Dead or alive that is where he is. I can do nothing. Of course it is horrible. In time though it becomes natural and we accept they don't have a good end coming.
I too have been thru the almost dieing a few times. Thankfully don't know about the rest. One time his evil mother did not even call me.
So that is how I do it. Deep breaths picture him where his real inside self is already.
I am too, sad about if he dies with out me being there. I want him to come home and be here his last time. thru sickness and health. that is ME.
Right now mine is in prison, dui's. Did you check the jails? Or call the police?
I had to track mine down as I was too sick to go to the sentencing.
It is natural for you to feel this way. Oh and good for you for detaching and loving him and knowing he is very sick! You have made such progress. I am so happy for you.
It is so freeing when we realized it is ok to love them, but hate the disease. We aren't praying to please make me stop loving him anymore.
Treat youself kindly. Take care of your basics, keep things simple. It will be hard until he is found. It just is. Feel sad for his family. Their ignorance makes them bitter.
The disease has him hon. Last stages they cannot quit. Or it is so rare it is unheard of.
They are so damaged in so many ways. I just told mine again I was taking him up in the mountains to get him clean. We both agreed it would do no good. I would build a huge fence, a moat with alligators, the ones that don't eat people, not tell him, lol not allow him any money.
Make sure he had his needs and wants IF it would work. I mean this too. Maybe I could put something around his neck like a dog collar that would give him a "reminder" if he stepped over the buried line under ground?
HEY I just figured out something that could work! lol We gotta keep our humor. we love the turkeys.
Seriously keep coming here, keep yourself cool and warm. Go easy as you can, breath, make sure you feel the best you can physically. Your heart is broken.
love to you and your A,debilyn who is on her way to the pet store to price dog collars with a HIGH zap!
It might work with mine I will let you know!
-- Edited by debilyn on Monday 13th of July 2009 09:54:22 AM
His family has decided they r done, been there done that...They dont understand the disease concept and want me to just walk away.....I cant do that, i wouldnt just leave a hurt dog on the side of the road, i sure cant do that to the man i love.
Here's my experience, strength and hope from the perspective of having been married to an A, having a 31 year old AD, and being a recovering alcoholic myself.
The hurt dog analogy doesn't work for me. My EXAH had an excellent opportunity for recovery when he went through rehab. He made the conscious decision to drink/use the day he got out.
My 31 year old AD also had a chance when she went to rehab, but she went for all the wrong reasons. She was fleeing a parole violation when she got popped with a dirty UA. She thought rehab was a bed and breakfast, and was kicked out in a week's time.
She knows what recovery is. She's been around the rooms of AA/NA since she was 8 years old. She has made the choice to stay in active alcoholism/addiction.
I have essentially 'walked away' after I gave her one final chance to get her life together after a lengthy incarceration, and she turned my household upside down in one month's time. She even drug her then 15 year old sister into her sickness.
When I drank again after 4 years, I made the choice to pick up that first drink again. I did not use the excuse I had a disease. When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I drug my pathetic carcass up the steps to AA and started over again.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
THank you everyone for the ESH!!!! MAde it through the day, went to work and i am so thankful i have that as a distraction for 8 hours. Had a banana spit for dinner, not because it was good for me but because i havent had one in years and i wanted a treat. Still no word, no one has seen him or heard from him....I am going to read a book, curl up in my jammies and sleep... Tomorrow is a new day and i want to be ready for what comes my way..
Just want to say, Alanon does work if you work it. 4 months ago i would not be eating, sleeping or going to work...i would lie in my bed and cry all day. Im still suffering moments of fear, but i also am reminding myself that feelings are ok, just as long as i dont wallow in them and destruct myself.
The thought of picturing my Abf in Gods loving hands is the image i will take with me to sleep tonight :)
God Bless everyone and thank God for Alanon.....
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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. Hecato, Greek philosopher
Hi all, been awhile since i have posted, but i still come here every morning to get my daily dose of love, support and esh...
Still no word, no one has seen him or heard from him....I am going to read a book, curl up in my jammies and sleep... Tomorrow is a new day and i want to be ready for what comes my way..