The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never done or experienced anything like this before and I need help.
My husband and I just got married about 3 weeks ago. We've always been long distance, and I'm at my home wrapping things up and packing before I make a permanent move to his home in Missouri in about another month.
I just got off the phone with him...and he told me he was in the ER with his father, waiting to get treatment for alcoholism. I knew he had a problem, and he's been seeing a counselor specializing in substance abuse--but somehow, this still comes as a shock.
I have no idea what happens in a situation like this. I hurt for him and I want to help him, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I'm preparing to move halfway across the country to start our lives together--but I don't have a job there yet, and he's going to be laid off by the end of August. I feel awful even worrying about that right now, but the reason he was hesitant to go to rehab before is that he would lose his severance and be let go early. Of course, I didn't want to ask him about any of that on the phone, but I fear that we won't be able to take care of ourselves.
But mostly I'm worried about him. I know he's scared of what's going to come next, and I want him to know I support him.
I know that I'm babbling and probably coming across as pretty selfish. I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this. My family and friends love him, but they would just be that much more upset about me leaving.
Aloha Kinsey!! Seems that your head is working okay and that you have reasonable concerns and solutions. Better now than after the insanity has taken concrete hold of your heart, head, spirit and emotions. When I first heard that I could say STOP!! and follow thru on it with myself I was soooo surprised. I never knew I could, didn't believe so found that I had taken the entire trip into hell with an alcoholic wife while having the power and justification to stop the journey for me. Now is the time for your honesty with him...not later. It seems that you have been trying to hope things would change and be different inspite of his condition and they can be only that may not come out to the usual picture you've been visualizing. You have a chance now to not allow things to happen "by accident". You have a chance to make and followup on reasonable thinking. My brain was mush when I was where you are at right now and when I was telling myself to STOP!! I told my alcoholic wife I'll keep going with you. God Hell is HOT!!
Anyhow in 3 years and 8 months I had lost or given up or peed away or gave away everything I had at the start including the material stuff. I'm not alone in that story. There are hundreds of thousands and millions of spouses, friends, family and associates of alcoholics who have done the very same thing thinking they were doing the right thing. Alcoholism is a disease that is fatal. It takes everything it can get it's hands on as it runs it's course and that includes innocent non-drinking victims.
Call the Al-Anon hotline phone number in the white pages of your local phone book and add it to the emergency numbers you need to have. Call and get the times and places for the face to face meetings in your area and get to a meeting fast and early. Pick up as much reading material as you can when you get there so that you can education yourself about what disease you have married into and what the consequences of alcoholism are to those affected by it. They will most likely have a "newcomers" packet for you at the door...free.
You are not stuck!! You do have choices!! You are not alone!! You might be scared and it seems that you've used the fear to do the right thing by coming here. Keep coming back. I hope he gets better and sober as a result of his right choice of checking himself into a hospital. Most drink till they die.
Welcome = you sound like a wife scared to death , not selfish at all . Try not to project doom an gloom , pack up and move as planned , unpack your boxes find a phone book and call Al-Anon find a meeting quick , it is the best way to support your husbands efforts at sobreity . get your own program let Al-Anon and people in it look after you and leave hubby to God and AA . Your going to be okay , focus on your own needs for a change husb has his problem to deal with . Leave it with him where it belongs . here is a toll free number for info on a meetin near you 1-888-4alanon it is an international number and free . Good luck and take care of yourself you are the only one u have any control over .
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). You certainly have a lot on your plate right now. It's scary and confusing. But all will be well.
Take a deep breath. Try and stay in the moment and focus on the tasks at hand: packing, moving and unpacking. Asking for help with that is okay. I hate to pack and I didn't hesitate in asking my friends for help.
It's a good thing he's going to rehab. His recovery is up to him, the professionals and his HP. He will have plenty of people who have been through this to help him. The BEST thing you can do for him is to get to your own meetings. I know it sounds counterproductive, but it really is the best thing to do. He will have lots of work ahead of him when he gets out. You're going to need to understand how all of this affects you and your life. Alanon will help you. You won't feel alone in a new town either. Hang in there. Please keep coming back to us. Congratulations on your marriage. I wish you and your husband all the best in your new life and in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Kinsey, Welcome. And I can just imagine how scared you are feeling.
Some random thoughts:
This may be Nature's way of saying "Wait a minim!"
Even Dr. Phil says alcoholism is a deal breaker.
I married and moved 600 miles away from my family. It was Hell. He was an alcoholic and I didn't know it and wouldn't realize it for years. He had a good job; functioned well in the job; drank only occasionally; no money worries; the economy was good and I got a job right away and there was a support system in place right away. It was still Hell. If he had been unemployed; hospitalized; the economy had been bad; I hadn't had a job; hadn't been able to meet other people because my life was in complete turmoil, I don't think I would have survived.
I have lived a long time. Back in my day, a man didn't marry until his career was established and he could provide a home. Your husband has a long way to go before he is to that place.
Knowing what I know now, getting to Alanon, unpacking, keeping my job, learning about me and how to take care of myself would be my priorities.
Your husband has his father and enough interest in self-preservation to get himself to a hospital. It seems to me that if he doesn't have to concern himself with your welfare on top of everything else right now, that woud be a good thing.
It seems to me to be a gift from the Universe that this has happened now and not six weeks from now.
I think your family and friends would rightfully be upset at the thought of your going into this situation, if they care about you.
Please take what is helpful.
Blessings, Temple
-- Edited by Temple on Monday 13th of July 2009 08:06:29 AM
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hi, again. I just wanted to thank you guys for taking the time to help.
I'm at work, so I can't write much--and besides, I'm still processing everything. But I will be checking out AlAnon meetings in my area today and I'm sure I'll be back to ramble more about this later. My husband's mom is a social worker, and she leads group therapy--so she's very experienced with this sort of thing. She's really wonderful, and we've been emailing back and forth this morning--I'm lucky to have her, and I'm trying to be a good ear for her, too.
For now, though, thank you again. That y'all took the time out to respond so thoughtfully and with such compassion to someone that you don't even know means a lot to me. And it also lets me know that I've come to the right place.
). You certainly have a lot on your plate right now. It's scary and confusing. But all will be well.
Hang in there. Please keep coming back to us. Congratulations on your marriage. I wish you and your husband all the best in your new life and in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.