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My A has recently come into a bit of money. We are both relatively young -26 and 28. It is the first time in his life that he has money and is able to buy things like a computer, electronics, nice clothes, etc. We were sufficient before, both working but, now he has had money for these "Extras". I find myself feeling resentful a tad. I can't justify spending money for things I just simply WANT. This money has also allowed him to buy a scooter, which he drives despite not having a driver's license, to and from work. Previously he got rides to work and relied on me for transportation everywhere. I have found myself opening my mouth lecturing him on multiple things concerning the scooter, but then quickly tell myself to mind my own business and just stay out of it.
At first I was telling him EXACTLY what to do with his money. I was getting nervous that he was going to squander it and behaving as though it was mine. Now that I have tried to let go of that control of it, since it isn't mine to own- I find resentments? I am not sure what they are!! I guess I am uncomfortable that I have no control over these different choices he is making??
He has a newfound freedom that he seems to enjoy. He's gotten back into therapy and his meeting attendance - all the things I worried about. Yet, NOW, I seem frustrated and feel left out. I'm trying to just SEE it and not JUDGE the feelings. I know they're not facts, but it frustrating --- as though I can never just be satisfied. I know there is that part of me that somehow feels threatened - that he doesn't NEED me now that he can be self sufficient. I am just trying to get this out and try to explore it. I am not sure why but I've been overwhelmed with these deep, deep feelings of inadequacy. I am usually aware of them and experience them, but it's been to a very great degree lately. I'm not sure if I am focusing on his financial upperhand now and not feeling comfortable with it? Am I jealous? Why am I acting/feeling these ways and how can I apply my program to it?
He even called me out and said that he feels I am resentful now that he has his own transportation. I felt ashamed that maybe that was the underlying feeling and haven't been able to process it all, to examine why I feel that way and how I can frame it in terms of my program.
Of course I am happy he is doing well... it is just different I suppose? And I WISH I felt as excited about life? I honestly, honestly, am not sure what the root of it is. Any E,S&H would be greatly appreciated and valued beyond measure.
Thanks for letting me share!
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Saturday 11th of July 2009 08:26:22 PM
Debilyn thank you for your response. I'm not even sure how to process it all. I'm going to talk with my sponsor about it. I suppose maybe it's the old resentment that comes when our A's doing well when we feel as though we are OWED something. I also think it's telling me alot about myself - that I am seem to only believe someone would WANT me if they NEEDED something from me and that I don't believe anyone would actually CHOOSE to stay with me purely because I am ME and am merely BEING, instead of DOING. I really feel childish about this whole thing. Like I am the little girl in the corner, pouting, arms crossed, angry that there may be a "better toy" than I. I am not sure much of my initial post made sense.
I find myself feeling exactly as you do alot! I have no idea how to control it. My husband who is an addict has depended on me for so long but after treatment and moving into a sober house he seems so happy, has lots of friends that I don't know, and he is just fine without me and I hate it. I wonder why I feel like I need someone that has done nothing for me and how is it that he does not need me back?
Husband "sober" for three years, but into the mouthwash and beginning to say he "wasn't really" an alcoholic. So my therapist hatched a plan to get him jto come into his office, take the written test and agree to go to AA. All of this happened. And then he started going to two meetings a week. In addition to playing Bridge and stuff on other nights. And then it was my birthday. And he had a cake and presents for me at lunch. But he was taking a cake to the meeting that night for his sponsor's wife's birthday. And I was angry. It was just the codependency rearing it's ugly head, is what I think it was. He was doing what I wanted him to, going to the only non-smoking meeting in town--way the heck out in the boonies, but it wasn't the way I thought it should be on MY birthday. (And I was way more than five years old, BTW.) I was losing some control over the situation, and it didn't feel good. Nevermind what was best all the way around. I had been focusing on him and "his problem." And had lost sight of me. Now i look back on it and think how really funny it was. And even at the time I had that uncomfortable feeling that I wasn't being exactly rational about the whole thing.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
My AH has come into money a couple of times due to his father's passing (another alcoholic death). I always get that weird twinge of jealousy in me, too, when the money comes along for him. There's some part of me that starts up with the "I want, he should!" rambling.
I just recently went through this, actually. He got $8,000 and at first I started thinking about "what's in it for me?". But I quickly put an end to those thoughts. In my relationship, I split our finances. My AH has always been very irresponsible with money, and after a particularly bad incident, I decided it would be best to keep my money separate from his.
So... it came down to a sort of detachment thing for me... that $8,000 is his - in his name. He gets to do with it whatever he wants. If I'd like something, I can ask, but I can't get resentful if he decides differently. He ended up buying a used Jeep with it... and it was really interesting for me, because I really didn't feel upset over the purchase at all. This is a HUGE change for me, because I grew up on a household where major purchases, like automobiles, were always mutually discussed and agreed upon. However - it's his money, his debt (if he incurred any, but I don't think he did)... and ultimately none of my business because my name isn't going on the title. In retrospect, I did the same thing several months ago when I bought my own car. I didn't sit and discuss it with him beyond that it's MY car because the loan is in my name.
In any case, he was generous - he didn't HAVE to! - and gifted me a little over $1000, and he also made a couple of other purchases that were for the both of us.. not just to his benefit. Actually, I even think the Jeep is to both our benefit. I don't drive it, but it's nice. :)
I just find I have to stay out of his business - whether it's his drinking, how he spends his money, who he hangs out with, where he chooses to go and so on and so forth so long as there is no direct consequences to me.
In any case... scooters... I don't know about the state laws where you are, but where I live, you can operate one up to 50cc without having to have a license. Anything above, a license is required. My AH did the scooter thing for a while, too, while he was without a license. I actually preferred it to playing chauffeur for him.
