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Previously, I posted my experience with my "boyfriend" and how he's treated me in our relationship. He is an alcoholic. I don't know if these are actions caused by the alcoholism or not. To review my story, I had mentioned that he was critical of me or makes side comments about how I'm too this or that and how we won't work because I'm this or that. Then, he turns around and says how special I am to him and how attracted he is to me, how he respects me, and wants to be with me, etc....
My heart feels pulled in so many directions. I get blamed for not being "passionate enough" after he says these things to me...as if I'm the problem.
We made up the first time... and then the second time. Yet, he acts like it's me and it makes me feel horrible, because I've been crazy about him and wanted this to work. We end up concluding that we've just misunderstood each other (unending problems between mars vs. venus)
Last night, we met with our ex co-workers for a friday happy hour. He acts like they are only HIS friends, but I use to go out with the same group while I worked at the company. Anyway, I guess they figured that I just showed up to say "hi" since I hadn't seen them in a long time. Truth is, he asked me there to be with him.
Yet, he doesn't want them to officially know we are dating...which really hurt. Because, he doesn't know where we are going".
Here's our dating experience: He's told me ALL these things about how much he feels for me and wants to be with me, etc... We've talked/text (flirting) by phone a lot. We've been seeing each other, had arguments, he's made me cry and hurt.... and he doesn't consider us to have been dating?
He concludes to be truly dating, we need to be in a sexual relationship... only then, is when I'll be official in his eyes. As of this moment, we have not had sex yet. That comment scares me.
He makes me feel like I am having to win him and that if things go wrong... it was all my fault. He points out that he's a scorpio and passionate... as if I'm not and when he's been critical of me, it a "red flag" to him (regarding my passionate potential) that I won't give him a romantic feeling kiss afterwards.
He has also turned the tables and wants ME to be the agressor. He won't do a mutual kiss anymore; he wants me to do the work... for ME to kiss him.... like it's supposed to be all about me wanting him.
Is he manipulating me? Is he trying to weaken me, and control me? Are these that actions of an alcoholic? I feel so sad (like my heart has dropped) when I've seen him, because he keeps hurting me (emotionally) and I find myself trying to salvage the realtionship and worried about HIS constant reservations about me (which are so contricitory to the feelings he claims to have for me.
p.s. his ex-coworker friends only see him as the nicest guy in the world; they have no idea that he does this. So, it's easy for him to manipulate me this way... because he makes me think it's all me.... something wrong with me. After all , everyone else thinks he's so great.
(quote) Is he manipulating me? Is he trying to weaken me and control me? (quote)
In reading what you posted I would have to say the answer to those questions is probably Yes, Yes, and sounds like it to me.
Personally I would have to ask myself why this person doesn't want other people to know we are seeing each other. That alone would send up a ton of red flags for me I would have to ask "Why".
It has always been my experience that if things just simply do not make sence then I probably don't have all of the facts.
Take care of you because you are the only one that can.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I read your post from 5 days ago where many members answered. You received lots of suggestions and even advice. Advice is seldom given on this board, but in some cases it is necessary. Several members felt it necessary, and many of those with years of experience in the program. One member with over 2600 post on this site suggested you should "Run for the hills".
Sometimes we want a situation or relationship to be a certain way so much that we do not see the forrest for the trees. We keep our blinders on, eyes shut, and fingers in our ears. We don't want, or want allow ourselves to see what is right there in front of our eyes. We ask ourselves what I can do to change the situation or him, or what am I doing wrong. We continue to ride the roller coaster hoping the ride will some how get smoother. Our wants and reality continue to get futher and futher apart, until reality is a ship that has already sailed, and is long gone, completely out of our sight.
You can't change him, and he, in my opinion is not going to change. What you see is what you get. If you do not like you situation now, wait and it will only get worse. I like to use the example of being inside the bubble. You are inside the bubble and it is hard to see clearly, hard to realize what is actually going on from where you sit. From outside the bubble I see a clear picture of a controling, manipulate person who only thinks of himself first and foremost, with your well being no where in sight.
You need to take yourself out of the bubble and when you do, I strongly suggest you re-read your post and the replies from 5 days ago. Act as though someone you don't know has written the post. If you are honest with yourself, I think you will have the answer or answers you need.
I don't give advice on this board or in the rooms of Al-Anon, never have and never will. But if I decided to start today, it would be a no brainer, or if you were my daughter I would most likely already be in jail. (a place I have never been). Sorry if that seems harsh, I am only being honest. I hope you understand, because I only have your best interest in mind. You need to do the same.
What does it matter if the disease causes him to act like this? All you need to ask yourself is, does this FEEL good to me? Does this FEEL right to me?
I met my exAH when I was just 17. He wanted to keep our relationship a secret too and he manipulated me into having sex, even though he knew I didn't want to. My experience is, the entire 26-year marriage was all about HIM. He continued to be a master manipulator, and why not? It worked so well for him! My part in it was, I allowed it, I always gave in. I never listened to my gut. I must've believed this was as good as it gets. I played a part in my own suffering.
Be there for yourself. Pay attention to your feelings. ((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My heart aches for you in your confusion, I've been there. I like what RLC said. If your best friend came to you and told you what you've posted here, what would your reaction/suggestion be to her? Just because we don't what to hear things doesn't make them any less real.
Take care of Hanila.
Redfred
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You can't move forward while you're looking backward
This is the insanity of an Addict. There is no rationlising insanity. It is like saying why does he say he loves me when he has a high fever then turn around and tell me to leave?
He is very, very sick. It has nothing to do with you. He would treat anyone else just like he does you once he gets comfy with them.
Your or Our not seeing how insane this is, shows us how sick we are! Excuse me sex does not, never has nor ever will make a relationship. More insanity.
Some people are super in love and have great relationships with out sex!
My A and I were very close even when he ciould not have sex.
Thank you so much for your responses. I am very confused and sad, because I keep wanting it to get better and work out. Your responses give me a lot to think about and help me realize that I haven't done anything wrong.
Debilyn, what did you mean about this being the "insanity of the addict". Are you saying these actions are typical for an addict?
He twist things around and says that I'm showing the "red flags" (simply because I turned my head, subconsciously, when he tried to kiss me, after he had upset me). Therefore, he concludes that I"m not passionate and that is a "red flag" to him.
Also, he says (regarding that kiss), that "actions speak louder than words"; that regardless as to how I tell him I feel about him, that he doesn't believe me because I can't kiss him passionately (after he's criticized me or makes comments about us "not working out"). Did I do something wrong by reacting that way? We have kissed very passionately before he started doing this.
As for HIS words and actions? He says that he wants to be together, that I'm special to him, that he respects me, etc.... but I ALSO need him to prove these things to me through HIS actions.
I remember the confusion very well. I knew the truth, yet I still wanted to hang onto him. After 20 years of confusion, I just wanted my misery to end, I just wanted to die.
Pay attention to your feelings, dear. You are NOT crazy, he is. You will begin to feel crazy if you keep listening to him and trying to make some sense of it.
If someone told you that you were a purple pig, you would say, "No, I'm not." But, if someone you love and trust kept insisting that you were a purple pig, you might eventually begin to doubt yourself and wonder, "Am I really a purple pig???"
Insanity. Stop listening to him. Start listening to YOURSELF. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 13th of July 2009 08:03:24 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Debilyn, what did you mean about this being the "insanity of the addict". Are you saying these actions are typical for an addict?
Maybe it's me being nieve as I am also new to having a relationship with an alcoholic, but in reading both of your posts, I don't know if all of his actions are related to just being an alcoholic. You mentioned in your other post his desire to get back with his ex, and in this post his unwillingness to let others know you are couple, and that you won't be his girlfriend until the two of you have sex.
The impression I get is that he is still in love with his ex and is just looking for something or someone to occupy his time, and not deal with his loss -- which was probably caused by his drinking. He knows you have strong feelings for him, and is using that to manipulate you.
I think you need to ask yourself this question... if he wasn't an alcoholic and treated you the same way he is treating you now, would you put up with it? I think your answer would be no. I understand you really like him but I think you are using his disease as a way to make his actions acceptable which they shouldn't be. Don't get me wrong, his drinking plays a hand in all of this, but I think there is more to it than just the actions of an alcoholic out of control.
