The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I examine my behaviour towards my aH from whom I am separated I have realized that for the past several years, even while we were still together, I have this very annoying habit of trying to convince him what a jerk he is.
It drives him crazy as you can imagine and actually it's pretty irritating for me too.
He's very right when he says I am like a hawk...waiting, waiting, waiting to catch him do something...anything....even a little questionable or sideways and then I POUNCE and go in for the kill.
I suspect that comes from the trust being broken between him and I and my resentments towards him and the wrongs that I feel have been done to me. But further to that, I think what I am doing, and have done for all this time, is I am trying to justify hating him. (I love him-but part of me also hates him, unfortunately). I don't like hating him, I don't like having the responsibility of hating him. I sort of feel like I have to hate him, in a way. But I almost want him to agree with me, that I should and that it is okay to. So I watch and inventory constantly and then I use that information to show him what a jerk he OBVIOUSLY is. It is wicked and really really un-nice. I know this sounds COMPLETELY insane...and well, maybe it is. But I want out of this insanity and I need help.
I want to understand this better, so that I can better understand how to stop doing this.
Where he has his short comings and shakes the foundations of the relationship...I believe that this is where I do as well. Whether it be with him or someone else in the future, I need to know why I do this and how I can make a better choice.
Repeat Step One to yourself. You may have let your A control your thinking to the point that you don't like what you see. If that is the case then he has changed you. Work on you, and as I stated in an earlier post today what has helped me is to "Not React". It might be hard at first, but it does get easier.
Rora , if you really want to know why u do what u do , and who u really are , attend f2f meetings find a sponsor and work the steps , u will find out who u are flaws and all and when u know who u are u can change what u don't like . Inventory isnt about how bad u are its about who u are and acceptance , change what u can YOU . Louise
When I got to this point, of trying to figure out the whys of what I do, it went back to family of origin stuff. What did I see growing up, what were the dynamics of my home life, how was I treated? And when I began to identify those things, it became clearer as to why I was doing what I was doing and picking men I picked and accepting the behaviors and why the heck I believed I had to behave a certain way towards my partner.
I know how your husband feels. I don't like it either and it is a program test just for me to stay within HP's limits (not my spouses...my HP is greater than my spouse) when she applies her power and control tactics. I was once told that it must be that I am getting a payoff for doing what I do else I would have given it up as unsuccessful. That's for me. I don't even try to find out what the payoff is for my spouse when she uses her power tactics. I was thinking today that maybe inspite of my feedback she thinks she is doing the right thing and someday I will just accept it and go along. I tried that with the alcoholic and it eventually arrives at having no more pieces to feed the monster. I can see that being treated like this is being disrespected and I'd like to think that she would see it that way also and then that's not what happens. I arrive at another opportunity to say no or no thank you all over again to a prior understanding. It's okay to recreate new habits. Find something more positively different and practice that rather than what isn't working.
In the culture I choose to abide with the hawk or I`o (ee oh) is the animal body form of God or Akua. I`o circles over me watching and offering me security, guidance and understanding. HP is with me and in me not a stumbling block for me.
Give away what it is that you would like to receive in retun. Your persistence and courage is a part of your growth.
the way you feel is part of the process of our recovery.
I can tell ya for me, it was loving the person , hating the disease. It is the disease you hate, not the person. The person is horribly sick with what you hate.
Learned to say the disease is driving me nuts, I hate the disease.
I honestly separate the two.
My experince has shown me that my AH is in there, in that sick body suffering. When he is clean, he is a very nice person.
If you really do believe it is the disease controlling someone, how can you hate them?
Think of it like this, if it was brain cancer causing him to act like this, would you hate him?
Thank you Debilyn, at last nights' f2f mtg (a step one) I realized that I have not accepted Alcoholism as a Disease and that this may be a key factor in my confusion and "insanity" about this problem I am having with myself. During a step 5 last week I realized that I seriously lack compassion and understanding for the A. Again, another factor in what I am doing, to him and to myself I think.
I thank the people here for allowing me the opportunity to be honest and sort through some of this stuff.
I'm sure he already feels like a jerk anyway... A's tend to loathe themselves & suffer from self esteem issues. I understand & agree with what debilyn has said - u are hating the effects of the disease & what it's doing to him - it is truly seperate from the person.
You may have to do some forgiveness work - I know I had to forgive myself over & over just for being in these relationships/circumstances. I was also pretty mad at myself about it too. Forgive yourself and focus on YOU ~ it's all u can change or control.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
