The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've faced a LOT of pain in the last 7 months. Coming to terms with the fact that my husband had an affair and is an alcoholic is overwhelming most days.
I had never known the depths of depression until this time.
I have done a LOT of soul searching. I realize I have a very hard time facing my own emotions to situations, and that leads to a LOT of my behavior and especially adds pain in my own life. When AH (dry drunk-no program) started with O'Doules when our counselor said not to, I was crushed and still am. Our counselor specializes in addiction and clearly stated, O'Doules is the same as drinking beer. He rationalizes it in his mind. I told him how I felt, and now it's time to let it go.
I've never ever counted bottles, or thrown away alcohol. He never snuck it. This week he bought a 6 pack of O'Doules and I told him I felt anxious about it. He told me he wouldn't drink it. What he neglected to say is he wouldn't drink it "around me" - so last night, I left the house for 6 hours for a class. I noticed two bottles were gone when I was putting away the vegetables.
I created this. Yes, I am blaming myself. Now I'm faced with the fact he feels the need to "hide" things. This very behavior led us down a horrible path before. So, once again I'm feeling anxious and confused.
He didn't want me to know so he hid the 2 bottles he drank.
There are two things I'm struggling with. The fact that he HID it (which yes I believe he did because of me) and what my real fear is, is him being out of control again, and doing something he shouldn't. I cannot control that. I actually don't think that will happen again, as we are in a stronger place in our marriage now, but it doesn't erase the fear from me. I look at the drinking and personalize it and know I shouldn't...as if he couldn't control himself again.
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, other thank hopefully someone here will listen and be able to provide some guidance for me.
I've been over responsible for others most of my life. I didn't get out of being that way overnight. I think being aware of your thinking is actually the first step. Detaching is a real solid skill to get a hold of. I can't recommend it enough.
Telling him he can't drink - even O'Doules - is controlling behavior.
I've gone through that with my AH - although the O'Doules thing never came around... it was just plain old alcohol. I told him at one brief instance in his life where he was going to a couple AA meetings that "if you drink again, I'll leave you." But I wasn't really sure if I wanted to leave him.
Well... he didn't drink, but the ANGER I felt in that house was unbearable. I felt like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs around him. At one point after an Al-Anon meeting, I was anguishing the pain I felt at feeling like my H hated me because I told him he can't drink, this member blessed me in telling me. "Telling him not to drink is control."
And for me, she was right. I was controlling my AH, and it was not pretty. That very night, I came home and told him I would no longer threaten our marriage. EVER. I was never going to tell him again that he can't drink. If he wants to drink, then drink.
That lifted a HUGE crushing burden from my shoulders.
I have made a pact with myself that when I've had enough, I've had enough and would act on it without laying down threats. Threatening is trying to control, and that's not what my Al-Anon program is about.
In any case, my AH decided he needs to be secretive about his drinking even though I told him I'd not ask him to stop... although it's getting "better" (better in that he's not trying to hide it so much anymore). The sneaking thing really put me on edge and turned on this almost predator-like instinct in me to play detective - count the drinks... listen for beer cans opening, find where he's hiding the booze, etc...
I'm getting better at not trying to take inventory of his drinking (and that could be why he's getting better at not trying to hide it all the time.) Whenever the subject of his drinking arises any more, it's by HIS choice, and I am always crystal clear to him when i tell him "what you do about your drinking is your business."
It's been a long road... my lifting my threat to him was over a year ago... and I'm slowly getting better. I'm still not sure I'll stay with him for the long run... maybe I will, maybe I won't... but in the meantime, I am learning a LOT about myself, and he's good practice for me to "Live and let live".
I believe I understand what you are saying. I feel conflicted. I didn't tell him not to drink O'Doules. I only told him, when he does drink it, I feel anxious.
I'm trying to be responsible for my feelings. I do own the controlling behavior. I did tell him, upon returning home after the affair (I kicked him out), I would not tolerate drinking. This is where I'm conflicted. I feel I'm only telling him what is safe for me. It is completely his control whether or not he drinks and it's his choice. For me, it's a boundary I was never able to set before because I had no boundaries. I just accepted and accepted his behavior and never realized how it affected me because I could never face those feelings.
I am now trying to rebuild my self esteem and work on a healthy marriage. It's NOT easy. Things are a LOT better, but there are still unresolved problems.
I want to try for the sake of saying I exhausted all efforts, however, I fully must accept if the day comes and he threatens my safety again, I will leave. I don't look at it as controlling, just boundary setting. However, the conflict is al-anon has taught me this is a way to control.
There is conflict only because in al-anon, I realize I am only responsible for me. I cannot control what he does and just like the affair, I had to set up boundaries for safety. If he cheats again, I will leave. If he drinks again, I will leave. I don't want to leave, but I need to for my own well being. It was HIS decision to drink and it was HIS decision to cheat. I did not control either of those situations, but I take 50% of the responsibility in the downfall of the marriage.
Aloha Inpain...The place for the real healing is face to face where you're sitting within a group of others you relate to your condition maybe right down to the affair. That is my suggestion. My alcoholics drinking was one thing...the infi- delities were another. One was hand in hand with the other however the consequences from the alcoholism alone and different than the alcoholism and the affair. You can get some other fatal, incurable diseases from the infidelities. Geez did I ever wake up on that one including my part in our relationship also.
Hi Jerry, I have been attending f2f meetings. I still find it hard to talk about the affair and infidelity. Although, others there have expressed some of the same things happening. It's been almost 5 months since I started al-anon, and I'm still trying to face a lot.
"I have made a pact with myself that when I've had enough, I've had enough and would act on it without laying down threats. Threatening is trying to control, and that's not what my Al-Anon program is about."
I need to remember this! Actions speak a lot louder than words!
i can't talk about my husband's affair either. it shames me. i feel worthless, lower than low, ugly... like if i hadn't been to strident or nagging or bitchy, if i hadn't gained weight, etc... then he wouldn't have had one. it's humiliating. everyone knows. i can't even talk to him about it. i think about it a lot (it's only been a little while, and he's not sober).
i'm trying not to be so hard on myself. i go to f2f meetings, see a therapist, see a marriage counselor, etc... i'm doing the work. i believe that it will lead me out of this place (wherever this place is) as long as i keep walking this path. that's all any of us can do. be kind to yourself. give the pain and confusion to your HP. keep your boundaries.
xter, I have had those feelings too. Worthless, and hopeless come to mind quickly. Even last week during a beautiful fireworks display, I sad and had a brief moment where I thought life would be easier if it were over.
I immediately broke down knowing how broken I was to even have this thought.
I haven't learned the art of detachment, but read a phenomenal blog last night about a woman whose husband left her and described what I viewed as perfect detachment..even though her husband to my knowledge was not an alcoholic. Detachment, I believe, can be utilized whether someone is a drinker or not.
Anyways, what I'm realizing is I'm NOT focussing on me. I'm here in al-anon and I'm fighting detachment so much. It doesn't work.
I will make it through this one way or another, but I have YET to REALLY focus on me. I WILL do that.
I need to read the article again and pray to my HP tonight to give me the strength. I've come to the realization that my entire marriage hasn't been trustworthy for me. A lot of it was DUE to my own behavior, but I am a victim too. I am a victim of infidelity, in more ways that my husband cheating. I have to face this and detach and focus on me which I'VE NEVER DONE. Nothing I've done in the last 10 years has helped me...I will pray that this will help me in my own recovery.
