The material presented
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For some reason yesterday and today-especially today, I am consumed with the urge to snoop on EXABF's myspace page. I have no idea why, or where it came from. Perhaps it is my being sick and wanting what used to be comfort. Or an obsession- just wanting to know what/who he is doing. I don't know where it is coming from but I am struggling with everything I have right now. I even went so far earlier as to click on it and then ran like hell before the page opened. But it's still very much in the front of my mind right now.....a battle within myself.
I know how hurt and sad I feel everytime I go there. I know it brings back a million WHAT IFS, WHYS and HOWS.........so then why do I do it to myself? Why do I get this "itch" every now and again to see what/who he is doing knowing that the end result will be hurt and sadness for myself, perhaps anger for him? Do I really want to know if he is "in a relationship"? Do I really want to know how he is moving on in his life without me? Who he is dating etc? Do I want to see cute little comments from his female "friends"? and possibley picts of him with another woman? It's almost like a part of me actually NEEDS that pain again-Does that make any sense to anyone-because it doesn't to me. I can't understand how I can do soooooooooo well and then these triggers start????????????
Can anyone relate to this insanity with me? I'm a grown woman, I know better than to stick my hand on the hot stove so why do I want to??
Any ESH would be much appreciated...........many thanks Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
HUGS to you honey - who can figure out why these things become our obsession - I quit trying to figure out why - sometimes my emotions just want me to do things that my BRAIN knows is not good for me.
for me I had to not try so hard to "NOT" do something as to start replacing it with other things.
Ya know instead of saying "don't think about him" don't think about him -
I tried to replace those thoughts about him with something else - something more positive, healthier, recovery oriented - less stressful -
Something that would benefit my self-worth, self-esteem and self-love!! Focusing on him only served to damage those things.
A good work out, helping others, home improvement projects, working on my step work, attending a meeting, etc. stuff like that.
Wishing you serenity, joy and peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My old sponsor used to tell me that when I want to practice my OLD, unhealthy behaviors I should do the opposite. This used to annoy me because once I was caught up in the mental turmoil of obsession it was sometimes impossible to practice the opposite - NOT obsessing. I have a TON of triggers. One of them is the telephone. When my A has been away, I obsessively check the phone and wait for calls and then when he does not answer I call back like a true psychotic maniac until he answers. I've been so sick at times, that in the past I fabricated stories or mini-emergencies just to get him on the phone to talk to me, to try to feel better? I don't even know WHY - I just wanted to be able to REACH him, which in doing so would imply that he wasn't doing something he 'shouldn't' be doing. It was all really madness and made no logical sense, which is something I find lacking in alot of my sick behaviors and aspects of my illness. I would also compulsively check the phone log and the emails/myspace account. I am slowly learning not to 'go there'. There being that dark place where I rarely return from, once I've allowed myself to sink into that cycle of crazed obsession and compulsive behaviors. I can't seem to stop myself from checking or calling or the racing thoughts in my head that make me feel crazy again. It's that good old compulsion/facet of my illness - THE NEED TO KNOW. The need to know what he is doing, where he is - I don't think it stops just because a relationship ends. It's something we're accustomed to do. For me, I found it was subconcious - a way to remain connected. There were times when I'd catch myself and remind myself that I should NOT go looking for things I didn't want to find. The times I did find messages, I would REACT in that psycho way again and it wouldn't be pretty and the aftermath of it, the EFFECTS, the emotional hangover Iwould experience would be painful. I am trying to stop judging myself. It took me years to develop these unhealthy behavior patterns - it was going to take TIME, EFFORT, WORK and DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT in order to get a different result and to learn to stop reacting in those ways that hurt myself.
I try to practice the opposite behavior but, it doesn't always work. I call my sponsor. Sometimes Ijust move my body to meetings because I don't want to DO those things anymore and I cannot be left to my own devices --- at least until the urge to do those things passes. For me, it's also awareness, acceptance, action. Once we are AWARE of the behavior, it's frustrating to SEE it, but not be able to immediately change it but being aware is truly the first step. Don't beat yourself up or shame yourself for these things. Practice makes progress. I also tried to figure out WHY I did it and would get mad at myself because it was silly and didn't make sense. I had to STOP trying to THINK my way out of this behavior and just resolve myself to the fact that it was something that was hurting me and that I didn't really need to know WHY I did it, but just that I did it and it didn't feel good and that I could find a better way.
Shelly, what does this sound like? Does is not sound like an A trying to stop using?!
That is precisely why we need to practice the steps. The steps have taught me that I cannot fix myself. I need a Higher Power to remove these defects in me, my own willpower is not powerful enough.
Work the steps, Shelly. They show us how to stop the insanity. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Put the stick down. Many of us do this. I do think really really working on detachment helps.
I don't know that berating yourself is the way to go. Compassion is the best medium for getting through the loss. There is a very very real loss when we leave an A. I mourned for a long long time. I still mourn. That said, I have to say I make a huge point of not knowing what the ex A is doing. I make a point of not finding out. I hold to that.
Aloha Shelly...I love this post and others like it. They give me an insite into how I and others behave in compulsive relationships. Why do I do it...it appears important to me to do it and I am compulsed because Knowledge gives me power and justification when I am right and unsure. When I am wrong I get confused and think I'm being fooled. Someone at this mornings meeting mentioned becoming aware thru working her program with her sponsor that the world doesn't, has not and will not ever revolve around her...humbling awareness for me and the justification to remain in a closer relationship with my HP than the alcoholic or any other compulsive relationship I am entertaining. Entertaining!! isn't that a laugh? I get to be the only one on stage and I end up hating the show!!.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 9th of July 2009 03:22:09 PM
That's an excellent way of looking at things Jerry!!
For me, I was addicted to the drama (to my ex). And if I wasn't going to be in love with him then I was going to have to hate him. Hate does not know direction. Once I let hate into my heart and head, it just spreads. And I wind up hating myself as well. And then I do things to "punish" myself because that is how sick I am.
I could justify any and all behavior on my part. I finally got to a point where every time I wanted to hurt myself but contacting my ex in some way (even telepathically lol) I would stop myself and talk to myself about the FACT that I no longer want to hurt myself.
And for awhile, those talks I was having with myself would make me hesitate. Now, it's so fleeting...wonder who ex is doing....Seren...you don't care....you're right I don't!! AHhh indifference is a beautiful place to be!!!
Takes time. But do you really want to hurt you? I prayed to be released from the obsession. I prayed for indifference. I prayed for him to have love and blessings in his life.
One step at a time, one foot in front of another. This too shall pass.
I am sure I have said this before: is it his business, your business, or your HP's business? I use to go to my AHsober's checking account. I would just get soooo upset to find that he was in town shopping when I was in town shopping and he could have called and we could of had lunch. Well, that was my fantasy. He has moved on and I haven't. He doesn't care and I do. The less I know the better. Boundaries? It is painful I know. I keep trying to separate/detach.
Shelly we do it becuz we are sick. You just have more healing to do.
For me I would get all nostalgic, go see my ah and he would be such a jerk, I called it a reality check.
I would say quit beating yourself up about it! You feel what you do. Let it run thru then go on. Dive into something you love to do, read neat things, Leo Buscaglia has some great books on love.
I just watched a movie called Ghost Town. I thought it was cute. I laughed even.
So a good, happy movie helps too. It is called obsessing. We can say stop in our noggins and put in something else.
Are you able to go to meetings? A lot of them?
I am glad you come here and spill it. hugs,debilyn If all else fails come to Eden and help me put a fence up, that will get your mind off him.
I quote from Rita's post "...sometimes my emotions just want me to do things that my BRAIN knows is not good for me."
She is exactly right. It is perfectly understandable that you are curious. What you have to weigh is, what good will it do you to know things that may upset you? Still, you must do what your heart and mind tell you is right. No one is going to toss you to the wolves if you have a little peek. But you may be tossing YOURSELF to the wolves by doing it.
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yes, I can relate and you're not nuts, this is human nature. I suggest since it causes you pain ( of course, natural) delete his page and also email address. I have grown so much and to the point I don't care what my ex does at all, now he's not my alcoholic............but my divorce caused me enormous pain. Please don't torment yourself, trust me I know where you're coming from wanting to *spy*.... If it helps you at all, you will get to the point where you don't give a hoot what he's doing and with whom. At least that's where I am right now, it's HIS loss and I focus on my life now only through my relationship with my HP, which happens to be God. CHIN UP!!
