The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been working pretty hard on what I do in relationships and how they become a cycle of despair, obsession and super commitment.
Basically what happens is that I idealize the person and don't see the reality of who they are, then when they disappoint me (which is inevitable) I get enraged (needless to say the rage is not responded to very well by the "idol") which triggers the abandonment issues (which are really what it is all about anyways I want to avoid the abandonment pain at all costs) which then pulls me into idealizing them again in order to escape the pain.
This cycle becomes an escalating cycle of denial, rage, abandonment, idealization which is not at all based in reality. The cycle of course is based on my childhood when I was indeed abandoned. For me to get out of the cycle the pain has to be so intense it breaks down evey part of the cycle and I "crash". That seems to be the only way I can let go of the super commitment (heightened attachment).
I'm hoping that naming this will help me to stay out of the cycle much as naming the karpman cycle helps me to stay out of the need to rescue and then lambast others.
I don't think I can go through this cycle again and I know my dogs can't.
I think before recovery we are in our cycles and just roll with it. We think it's just how it is, not realizing that we have the ability to change it and ourselves. When we can identify and recognize the cycle it makes it much less likely that we end up there again. You've done a major overhaul on yourself ma'am. Great insight!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Abandonment has always been confusing for me , my take on this is that I abandoned myself years ago when i stopped being who I was to become what others thought I should be . I abandoned myself years ago . Alcoholism in itself is abandonment it takes the person away from those who love them . Just my opinion . Louise
I can really relate to your post maresie. I googled karpman cycle and can relate to that too, the persecutor, resquer, victim roles and how they trianglate. I most related to this part of your share:
Basically what happens is that I idealize the person and don't see the reality of who they are, then when they disappoint me (which is inevitable) I get enraged (needless to say the rage is not responded to very well by the "idol") which triggers the abandonment issues (which are really what it is all about anyways I want to avoid the abandonment pain at all costs) which then pulls me into idealizing them again in order to escape the pain.
I have done this time and again when coming out of one relationship and going into another. I, too, am working hard on not doing it this time, coming out of marriage #4. I don't need to be resqued anymore. I can take care of myself with my HP's help, Just for Today.
Thanks for posting this maresie, maybe reading it will help me stay out of the cycle as well, since it's been brought to my attention once again.
Overcome (formerly Java)
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Maresie- I, too, have horrible abandonment issues. It ties into my fear of rejection and my willingness to try to obtain the love I can't give myself, at all costs to avoid being left and abandon. I have held onto to so many unhealthy things and convinced myself that it 'wasn't so bad' because the thought of being abandon and what it IMPLIED about ME was unthinkable. Awareness. Acceptance. Action. I flit back and forth between these and I HATE acceptance of my shortcomings. I'd much rather SEE it and immediately change it. Becoming friends with it, is not something I really want to do. I SOOOO get that 'heightened attachment' and am so grateful to not be alone in that feeling as it can FEEL so isolating - as though I am crazy. It almost this physical compulsive cycle/sensation that takes over me and drives me to do insane things when I think that I am going to be left or rejected. I will try to preserve this person in my life at all costs and it completely defies all logic. Awareness is our first step - thank you so much for sharing your introspection. It is so helpful.
Mary I have such faith in you. Have seen you on your jouney. I wish you could see how you have grown. I mean from my eyes.
I am so happy you love your dogs so much. I knew you HAD to get them, I truly relate. Afraid to ask, is your cat ok?
Bet you will break the cycle. You can choose not to go thru it or you can choose to just look at it different.
I am thinking if someone disappoints me, which no one does, it is because there is an expectation of them.
Becuz of Al Anon I have learned to not expect anything from anyone except the creator. I am happy when they show up, it is frosting on my cake. But plain cake is great too!
What I mean by show up I mean they do what they said they were etc. If they don't oh well. I have no reaction.
I hope that makes sense. After going thru what you still do, I had had enough. When I learned to accept my AH as he was it was so freeing. And of course it became a part of me with everyone and everything. take things as they come.
If they don't then I do something else. no big deal. I am ok alone, I am ok if they change the plan.
Ruby the Siamese is in fine form. She is very forthright about her needs which is a long way from the frightened cat she was when I first got her. Every morning I get a smack in the face from her to remind me that I'm here to feed her on her timetable.
My dogs are doing well. My beagle is getting old but she is enjoying life with relish. Pepi the akita vibrate with joy, passion and swaggers around the neighborhood.
Of course this is not all my process I've read a great deal and taken a great deal of insight and direction from various people. I know that al anon has helped me tremendously. I have also been helped by being in therapy and taking an antidepressant.
I'd also say that there is no question I was abandoned on many many levels as a child. I learned to self abandon then it wasn't something I chose rather did for survival. I'm no longer on survival and try daily to compassionately and fearlessly defenses I built up to survive living in chaos and violence. I think I also built up various defenses living with an active alcoholic that no longer serve me and I'm willing these to look at them too. Nothing is changed in one day but I am willing to work on these now and I'm grateful for that.
Thanks for your post! I am so glad you have wonderful four legged friends in your life. I hugged two big dogs today before going home to my wonderful one. They all reminded me of the simple joys in life that I can forget about when I am obsessing over the A.
