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I had posted this... and I apologize if this is a duplicate post, but it seems the original got deleted... I think i somehow did it by accident)
Original Post:
Hello Folks :)
I'd like a bit of input...
I'm still very new to Al-Anon, but am trying to get a better understanding of what to do and not to do regarding my mother (who is the A in my life.)
She recently joined FaceBook -- which is a networking site. On the one hand it is great as my entire family is there and we chat, share pictures, stay caught up, etc. On the other hand -- practically the entire world is there and now my mom has access to "people from her past"
One good thing: Her old AA Sponsor found her almost immediately -- the woman is a great friend and huge inspiration to my mom -- and I was so happy to hear that they are in contact again...
However, my mother also immediately sought out her ex-husband. She'd met him in AA, but he was also in NA and was a crack addict. Wasn't long before he went back to it and they had a very difficult marriage. My mother did remain sober for the duration (soooo proud of her for that!) But she went back to drinking heavily soon after the divorce. And that has been probably 6-7 years now.
She had 3 step-children (his children) and she has found the youngest daughter on FaceBook -- told me to look her up... I noticed the next day that my mother had added this young girl to her list of friends. I'm not stupid -- it is entirely because she wants to grill the girl about her father.
The girl must be 18 or so by now... we were never close because I lived in a different city and they were only married 3-4 years. I just did not see my step-sister very often, but when I did she was just adorable -- a very, very sweet girl. She and her brothers have a sober, stable mother and from what I recalled -- a secure home life with her. I'm sure she still dealt with many things that even I will never truly understand with a crack addict as a father.
So -- should I or should I not?
I'm considering sending her an email. Last she knew my mother was sober -- but she isn't anymore. She's extremely emotional and manipulative when she is drinking and my sister told me that when mom added this girl -- she was drunk. No telling what she emailed to her.
Is this my business? Not my business?
I have control/need to fix/protect issues... Is it something positive for me and for my ex-step sister for me to send her an email, perhaps explain a small amount, suggest that she block my mother?
Do I let it go and not say a word?
I had no plan to say a single word to my mother about it... I already know, that isn't my place and will not do any good. However, this girl knew my mother as a sober, loving woman back when she was only 6-10 years old or so. Does she deserve to be made aware of the situation?
I don't know what to do -- because on the one hand I need to learn how to stop trying to control things -- but what exactly are those boundaries? In this situation I am having a difficult time drawing the line between letting go and being responsible...
Any thoughts?
-- Edited by GlitterGirl on Wednesday 8th of July 2009 03:01:33 PM
That was the slogan that came to my mind when reading your post - not sure why you would get involved, nor what good it would do.... if this girl is 18 years old, she's likely as aware as she needs to be, and it doesn't sound like this issue should have to be any of your concern.
Tom
From ME:
I'm still torn about it. 18 does not equate to "aware"
When she knew my mother, my mother was an entirely different person. And the step-sister, was only a little girl.
The "why?" and "what good would it do"? parts are this )(inside of my own thought process... bear with me, lol)
Why? Because I feel that the girl deserves to know -- and I know for certain there is no one else to tell her.
What good would it do? Would allow for the girl to decide whether or not she was interested/capable of dealing with my drunk mother grilling her about her crack addict father. If she wanted to accept that and keep my mother as a friend, that would be her choice -- but at this time -- she's not really aware of what will inevitably hit her -- and it will, I have no question about that.
From JERRY F:
Aloha Glitter...I'm caught up with the caption on your avatar for MIP. "What people think of me is none of my business". You can massage that just a bit and arrive at the "its none of my business what she will think of my mother" also.
I stand by what Tom posted..."When in doubt....Don't!!" What does it matter? It only matters to you. This is about you and your mother and your past with her. Because I relate well to what you seem set on doing I can also relate to questions to me from members in the program (including sponsors) and also LOL from a couple here in MIP. "Are you trying to save the world".
I sponsored Alateen meetings for 9 years in earlier recovery and also worked high school groups. 18 years of age will normally equate to 7 years of learning and 11 years of experience. The hundreds I've worked with were very aware and often times only needing affirmations and support for the right things they wanted to do.
If you email; be a good step sister. Anything about your mom would be gossip and the closing of our face to face meetings has language on that.
Yours in support (((((hugs)))))
From BLUECLOUD:
Some of the tools I use for dilemmas like this are simple. I ask, "Does this [problem] have my name on it?" If it doesn't, I leave it alone. Or, I put my arms out in front of myself and form a circle and remind myself, everything in this circle is mine, everything outside of this circle is not mine. If I do these two exercises and I am still in doubt, I can look at it another way: unless I am absolutely, positively sure that it has my name on it or is in the circle, then I leave it alone.
If I am struggling and torn, it often, for me, signals that I am trying to control something that is out of my control. So, the being torn isn't really about the situation, but instead is about how it is tearing me up to not be in control of the situation. When I can name that for myself, it really helps. In fact, writing this reply clarifies a situation in my own life where I am trying to do exactly that. I LOVE that about providing ESH; it often, like in this case, helps me SO much.
Take what you like, leave the rest!
BlueCloud
From ME:
(((((Jerry))))) ((((BlueCloud)))))
Ugh.
I've not sent anything to her (ex step-sister) at all. I really wanted to think on it, discuss it first.
I appreciate the thoughts -- and I'm thinking that despite my internal draw to *fix this* -- it isn't something within my own set of obligations.
It is hard for me though -- I keep thinking this:
Step-Sister *deserves* to know. No one else is available to tell her... If I know that my efforts can potentially negate pain -- do I do it?
If I see a random on the street about to stumble innocently into traffic, do I grab their arm? Or do I think, "well, that's just not my problem." ?
On the other hand -- she isn't a stranger stumbling into traffic... this has to do with my mother and her alcoholism -- which I'm trying to learn how to detach myself from (with love...)
Its hard for me to determine what the appropriate boundaries and limitations are -- what would I do if this didn't have to do with my mom or with alcoholism?
What good will/could it do? What bad will/could it do?
Part of me says -- this is *not* your problem. Part of me replies to that with, "how selfish of you, not wanting to even care about this girl... who is inevitably going to be hurt by YOUR mom -- and you know its going to happen."
-- Edited by GlitterGirl on Wednesday 8th of July 2009 03:05:57 PM
That's a tricky one! Could you add this girl to your friends list, that way you will see if your mom starts to perform, also will allow the girl too build trust in you and talk to you IF your mom becomes a pest to her! Also if your mum see's you on her page that might deter her from contacting the girl on a regular basis!
It's very hard when we get that "i have to fix" urge......just keep reminding yourself no matter how much you want to fix....you don't have that power to! Let it be about YOU...let go of the strings and just be there for the girl if need be!
I dunno... I don't think adding her to my friends would be good -- because I think it would just encourage my mom to think that we should all be friends.
There is a part of me that wants to stay entirely out of it. I still have the nagging, tugging feeling to just let the girl know... give her some warning, ya know?
This is miserable, lol -- because to be honest -- in many, many aspects of my life I'm entirely capable of being objective -- of knowing what the right/best thing to do is (I'm not saying that I always DO that, lol -- but I know)
I can see the pros and cons here... and I guess as long as i don't know, I definitely need to just wait.
Rita -- I was saying thanks for the input. The more I consider it (although I have only been stewing on it for 24 hours) the more it makes rational sense *not* to involve myself.
Yes, my intentions are good -- but ya know, even good intentions backfire sometimes (and often when it has to do with my mom)
What I need to do (and this is tough, for me) is to resolve myself to the idea that whatever happens will be FINE without my interference. My ex-step-sister will be able to handle this in her own way should the time present itself that she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation.... and surely that is inevitable, because I know exactly what my mother's intentions are befirending her.
Its not my business. Its not my business. Its not my business.
That is a tough one, GG. I think I would send a simple email just saying hello and give facts of my mom and her situation just as an FYI for this girl. And then leave it all up to her if she wants to continue a friendship with my mother.
People do find out stuff when they are supposed to. Maybe you are the one who is supposed to give this girl a heads up. We all know how much it hurts to place trust in an A. I am grateful to the people who have been placed in my life specifically to "let me know" something even when it was something I would rather not have "heard". In the long run, I feel better when I have as many facts as I can because then I feel more secure in my decisions.
In situations like these, I like to ask myself... "what all would happen if I weren't around?"
Which basically means... people would do what they're gonna do without my interference.
If I have the slightest thought that perhaps what I might be considering doing is trying to manipulate a person's opinion in one way or another, then I know I shouldn't. I like what Canadian Guy said... "when in doubt, don't"
Maybe for you this comes into the category of "what do I need to say FOR MYSELF?" Is there anything that you just need to say, regardless of what the response is? Then, is there a way you can apply "THINK" to it? (Is is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent - sometimes I use I-based - , Necessary, Kind?)
Sometimes I need to sit with a question for quite a while before I finally come up with what it is I need to say, that I can then let go of. I try out something in my head, and doing that causes something else to occur to me hours or days later. It's all part of the process.
