The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i thought my life was unmanageable already but last night i was really, truly and finally defeated. i don't even want to go into details, it's just more of the same drama with AH.
i just can't bear the pain any more. last night i prayed, "i don't know who i'm talking to but you've got to help me. i cannot bear this anymore. take it away."
i went to a f2f meeting during lunch yesterday and have a meeting at my home base tonight. then therapy tomorrow morning with AH.
i want peace so badly. i want to start healing. i am thankful for this board and its wisdom, but i realize i haven't been healing at all yet. i've been putting band aids on the situation when it really requires surgery.
Surgery is rather radical. Maybe you need to do something radical. Know what I did?
I thought the program was soooo terribly hokey in the beginning, and so, I made half-hearted attempts to work the steps. My ego took a BIG hit when I realized I had no where else to turn. So, I surrendered. I took the suggestion given to me, and went to seven meetings in one week. THAT WAS RADICAL. It was a huge effort for me. However, the result was, I was no longer the same person, I'll never forget it. People would comment that it was so good to see me smile and hear me laugh. NOTHING had changed in my life... only my attitude toward it. Peace was something I began to know. And so, to this day, I am absolutely committed to my meetings.
If you're anything like me, you're ready to embrace something radical. Abandon yourself to the steps, what do you have to lose? There is a way out of the hole we find ourselves in. The program works, but you gotta work it. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 8th of July 2009 11:57:30 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 8th of July 2009 10:47:24 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
7 meetings in 7 days. i can do that. i will do anything. right now i feel like a beaten and abused dog begging for scraps of affection and getting kicked instead. i will do anything because i have nothing else.
ohhh please find YOU. I took so many classes like that in college to find who I was, what I was, what I believed in. I grew up. Learned to like me and can make it all on my own.
I play, laugh, am creative, can figure out things, make things work with out using tunnel vision. I mean I can use a piece of good wire instead of some fancy carter pin.
You reminded me of that horribly insecure feeling.
NO one can give you, you,but you.We find our strengths by challenges. We decide to dive in. Then we see, " wow I didn't know I could do that, or learn that!" This goes with emotions too.
Accepting the situation as is, is hard. Until we do that, we cannot move on. It's not going to change unless I change something.
I know that feeling. But I can tell you, when I really got away from AH, I was less lonely, I did not long for him anymore.
I will be honest though, I often think I wish when he saw me, he had enough emotion to hug me or touch me in some way. But his feelings are dead.
Willing to bet you are in that same stage. It is not YOU, it is him. He has lost something.
If you can sit and get a piece of paper. On the top put things I like. Things I can do for me. What are my goals? how do i feel about getting a job and supporting me. What do I want to do, and what do I need to do it. make each of these a list. Put your options, all of them. It is an option to do nothing.
Or ask for rides to, or work on getting a vehicle if you don't have one, calling for help from?
Uno? it is like taking control of your life. But first who are you? We need to have a foundation first to be strong.
I learned this, had no car, so had feed delivered, had a friend take me once a month to town to get a months worth of needs.
Just found my options.
Does this help at all?
You are very mentally tired hon. Can you go to counseling on your own? Do you go to face to face meetings and talk? I get mixed up who goes so forgive me.
Sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. I'm glad you are taking actions to improve your situation. I understand the pain deeply and also understand the motivation to get better.
Ouch, I am feeling your pain, your defeat, your rock bottom.
You can only go one way when you reach rock bottom and that is up.
Remember, and I am sorry if you have read me quoting this recently - nothing changes until something changes - and the only thing that you can change is you.
You have nothing to lose by doing just that.
Changing your response to things. Deciding enough is enough and deciding to do something about it for YOU and no one else.
Yes I agree, surgery is radical, however it can be a life saver too...so whatever it takes...maybe it needs to be surgery to cut out that which you do not want to hold on to any more.
I am holding you in my prayers and sending you peace over the waves...God grant you the serenity to accept the things you can change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. Wholeheartedly, right this minute, may you feel a touch of peace in your heart to make that first change and step boldly into your recovery programme.
Lots of (((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))) coming your way.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
7 meetings a week for months worked for me , anything to get out of the house and hear something positive for a change , take care of you . We all have to hit our bottom and maybe u have hit yours if so Now u are teachable and that is a positive thing . Some days like our literature says this disease truly is too much for most of us , thank God we don't have to do it alone anymore . Reach out take a chance tell people where your at f2f , trust me half of them have been there and they can help . If your group goes for coffee after you go too , good chance to get to know people away from meeting format . Take care of you your gonna be just fine . Louise
