The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I working my steps and am floundering about trying to reach out and connect with others. I'm trying to process things and deal with them in a RECOVERY way and this board feels SAFE for me to do so. The phone feels like 1000 lbs - TRULY.
I find myself gravitating towards newcomers or those who have similiar "issues" that I do. I find this is not helpful to me and quite recently I've been finding myself getting LESS out of my meetings because the PARASITE is no longer focusing on changing the A but, has now moved on to try to focus on others, on helping them. I find I am trying to do the same 'ol stuff - helping others so they will love, cherish, respect and think highly of me - DESPITE the fact that I cannot perform these functions myself which is the crux of my disease/illness.
The following is just a bit of a VENT and some frustration concerning my shift in focus from the A in my life to other people.
Recently some things have been on my mind that I've had a hard time processing - I just needed to get it out and needed a safe place to try to understand WHY i feel the way I do. It's perplexing. This is a bit of a rant and forgive me if it is lengthy or verbose.
I have a new friend from a different Al-Anon meeting let's call her Mary. We both attend one specific meeting and have talked to each other quite a bit, sharing our own experiences and where we are at in our recovery. I am not used to making program friends like this girl. I get the vibe and from what she shares with me ABOUT herself - that she is competitive and needs to "one up" people - not recovery vibes in my opinion. I can't help but internalize this information in dealing with her. I feel nervous about the way she looks at me and feel self conscious because she's shared some judgemental things with me - observances that I've been like 'Wow wonder what she thinks of me!' She openly admits to being very outgoing and friendly and wanting to be in control but, secretly is trying to just be accepted and loved. I don't know if it disturbs me that I KNOW this and yet I still observe her behaving these ways? She is still very codependent and I KNOW I shouldn't be taking her inventory. I am saying it as merely an observance on my part.
I told her I am active at another meeting and encouraged her to attend it with me if she'd like.
I made this offer without thinking about it. I am automatic when it comes to helping others, I believe that is the way it SHOULD be. So I am trying to make sense NOW of the feelings I have of SHARING this particular meeting with her. Last week, I'm not sure if I shared this here - but I was very fixated on HER getting something out of the meeting and I observed that I didn't get much out of it because the parasite had been stuck on her and hoping she "liked" my meeting. Bizarre.
Thie week she came back. I didn't think she would, but she was there. Additionally, Mary and I both have a mutual friend who is younger than us and is a newcomer. I get the sense that Mary is "Taking her under her wing" and last week after our OTHER meeting, she shared with me that she was perturbed at this newbie because she had broken plans with her. This girl is still very sick. Her active A and my A know each other and I actually referred her to the program. I SEE myself in her - everything she does, the situation, etc. She is like me - thinking about him, writing letters, staying at his place, etc. She told me she'd like to attend my F2F meeting with me tonight and could we meet for coffee before. Since I've caught myself trying to "show her the way" And feeling frustrated by it- I've sort of slammed on the brakes with that.
Mary has not. She confided in me that she was very hurt that this newbie had lied to her about being being with her A when she had said hours earlier she was leaving him - all the typical things we do because we are sick and obsessed with the A. Mary openly admitted to trying to "show her the way" and "taking her under her wing." I tried to share my E,S&H with her - I passed on what my sponsor had shared with me that when we take the focus off of the A, OUR illness tries to find OTHERS to change rather than look INWARD.
They have their own strange dynamic going on and I even think this newbie asked Mary to be her sponsor. Either way, I OBSERVE it and I just don't feel good about it. I honestly have not processed it all yet, because it's still very confusing to me. I just see how different I am - how meek and small I try to be, in hopes of not being judged.
I guess I don't get the recovery vibe PERIOD. I don't get the vibe that Mary is acknowledging the need for a LIFE program versus just one to fix her A. For me, this program is a LIFE program. It doesn't stop with the A - it is about learning to love and respect myself and makeover my entire life so that I can experience serenity and peace with WHAT IS instead of always trying to change and control everything. I find
I am trying to WRITE out my feelings instead of getting in my head about it - so for anyone who has read this the entire way through BLESS YOU.
I like to be around recovery people in the program - that warm, accepting, non judgemental vibe that they have going on. What my sponsor calls 'The Winners.' "Stick with the winners" - she said. Winners meaning those who truly work their program, where it radiates from them. With these girls, I don't get that. I feel very exposed and judged and worried about what they are thinking of me, how they perceive me. I honestly don't know where this comes from. I like them as people, I think - I don't want to feel this way about them.
I've even already made plans with Mary to go for a run and I don't know if it's good or healthy for me? And why can't I be more along that I don't let that get to me? I want to have my meeting be a safe place where I work my program but, I find myself preoccupied with this and I can't seem to make sense of it. It feels like I'm back tracking.
I'm still not keeping the focus on me... I am OUTWARDLY focused and it's so aggravating
Thank you SO much for letting me share. I am so grateful for this safe place.
Although you are admittedly perplexed by your feelings, I am seeing great insight. It's just what to do about them that is the dilemna.
If you think the young girl has asked Mary to be her sponsor, please suggest to her that she find someone that has completed the steps or at least been around long enough to have the peace that she wants. A newbie should not sponsor a newbie.
Your insight on helping others and concern of how they see you or what they think of you is good a thing. Many new people don't see it for a very long time. You're far ahead with that acknowledgement and awareness. It's an "ism" of the disease.
What's really important is that you like you. If you have a gut feeling that you shouldn't be caring what others think, listen to your gut. You want them to like you, think you are knowledgable in program, work your program etc. The easiest way to get there is to do just that!! By trying to be someone that you are not (yet) you are holding your true self back and delaying the healing process.
While working the steps we get honest with ourselves. You have the honesty, the focus is is just a bit blurry. You came to Alanon to heal and help you. What others do with their program/isms belongs to them. I don't think anything is "wrong" with you, it appears you just got off track a bit. Go back to the reasons you came to Alanon..ME, ME, ME. Be selfish when it comes to your recovery. It's impossible to truly work the program (or get the vibe) if your focus is elsewhere. Be the change you want to see (and do whatever it takes to get there).
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Is there really a rule that a newbie cannot sponsor a newbie? There's nothing in the service manual that says so. I think really a sponsorship relationship between the two is really up to them and is their personal business... and unless there is a very specific set guideline about length of Al-Anon membership or how many steps have been completed, etc... then to go and tell the friend she shouldn't be sponsoring the other friend is just sticking your nose into their private business.
Even if the other friend wasn't a newbie... I'd still think it's not my business to tell them they shouldn't be working with eachother in sponsorship/sponsee relationship unless I was darn sure the Service Manual backs up my reasoning.
If there is a rule in the service manual or elsewhere, though, I'd love to see it! (Always wanting to learn more and more about the program).
I know if it were ME being asked to be a sponsor by someone else... first, I would agree to be their temporary sponsor... and then I'd discuss it with my own sponsor to see if she thinks I'm ready, and then move forward from there. (I know for me, personally... I really wouldn't feel comfortable sponsoring anybody until I've worked all 12 steps... but my sponsor told me she thinks I'd be ready so long as I've completed the first three).
Obsession with the sponsorship role aside... I find my Al-Anon relationships tricky. I find myself wondering where I need to draw the line between meetings and hang-out friends. I think if the outside-of-meetings friendship role sends me into a place where I start to gossip, then the friendship is becoming unhealthy and damaging my Al-Anon program.
In any case... I know you're not seeking advice... just venting. And again, thank you for trusting us with your thoughts. I love what your sponsor says... "stick with the Winners"! It's nice knowing you get to define who the Winners are for yourself. :)
Thank you all for your reply. Mary is actually not a newbie to the PROGRAM, but to that meeting - in my tangle of thoughts I may have not made that clear or caused some ambiguity in the different threads of this story. BUT the point is that she's been around for a long time but doesn't seem to GET that aspect of the program that it's not all about the A. I a m really all up in her business. If she wants to ACT like she's working a program and then DO things that are different, it's really not my business. But the hard part is choosing or EXPRESSING that I may not want to socially interact in that way. I suffer from super low self esteem myself and sometimes think that I shy away from anyone who is a perceived threat, as in they have the same issues as I do, but manifest them in the OPPOSITE way - being outgoing, friendly, trying to MAKE everyone like them by being the classic likeable girl. Yet having admitted to me that it's just a mask...?? I don't know, it's like I want to be with those who are honest in every aspect of their lives and in their recovery, who aren't afraid to say they are struggling or doing have it all figured out. I just don't like that "Oh let ME help YOU!" attitude that is so very codependent and such a part of my illness. It's as though some people can't see this yet. And it's their journey and realizations that belong to them, not for me to judge or highlight to them.
Thank you for your respones, Aloha and Christy! It means so much!!
Runner Chick, I really enjoyed your post. Can so relate to a lot of it.
I cracked myself up after my first two meetings, wanting to help fix people who've been there a lot longer than I have. I like to problem solve and give advice. The world would be a better place if I just had an advice column somewhere. Preferably that nobody ever read, I'd just be given old Ann Landers problems and type away.
This week I am going to go and see if I can just sit and listen and say something about me and only me when it is my turn if there is anything that needs to be said and maybe see other people find their own answers. I think we have them inside us.
Thanks for sharing.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thanks so much for your share RunnerChick. I always enjoy reading your posts.
Good for you for being so aware. I love that your sponsor said "Stick with the Winners". I have taken a while to reach out to people in Alanon because the last time I was in the program 10 years ago my program relationships were not healthy.
Three thoughts re your post:
1) I think I read in the Big Book that newcomers can doing step 12 work right away. I also read some good stuff on Mr. Sponsor Pants's blog (a veteran AA sponsor) that the newcomer is the most important person in the room, i.e. to keep the program alive and to help veterans keep their program by giving it away. However, helping others is a lot trickier for co-dependents. Kind of like people who have problems with food. We can't keep away from food or other people but have to learn to deal with them in a healthy way.
2) Maybe one way to help but keep the focus on ourselves is to start out doing "service work", i.e. chair meetings, greet newcomers, act as treasurer etc. A GREAT Alanon booklet is "When I Got Busy I Got Better" which talks about the delicate balance keeping busy and being helpful by doing service work without being codependent.
3) I too made a new Alanon friend who is new and as "sick" as myself. I too automatically offered to help her with personal matters. I had obsessive thoughts about helping her-just like I had about the A! But I soon became overwhelmed with her neediness and only calling me when she needed "help" doing certain things. I have been able to be supportive over the phone (as she is with me) but have not let her guilt trip or wear me down to get me to be her "personal assistant". GREAT practice. I have also seen myself in her and how a needy person is such a energy vampire and I don't want to be like that. I also feel grateful that my alcoholic home life as a child at least made me able to take care of myself (in some matters) so that I am not so needy (in some areas).
This board is simply amazing and I LOVE the recovery I am exposed to her. Winners :)
The world would be a better place if I just had an advice column somewhere. Preferably that nobody ever read, I'd just be given old Ann Landers problems and type away.
Temple - I was truly LOLing madly at this one. I am so grateful we can laugh about our unhealthy and codie inclinations without judging and shaming.
Bella - I so get the relation to food. I have HUGE eating and control issues myself and have always found the idea that we MUST eat to survive, literally - so unlike alcohol or drugs, this "substance" is unavoidable - it is the same in dealing with others. We will ALWAYS be exposed to other personalities, but how to cope in a healthy way? Especially those we care about, the "being there" for them is a really fine line for me.
I haven't yet decided HOW or even IF I will break this date with "Mary". I'm not sure where I stand with it all... seeing someone's denial and their codependent behavior and then being able to be exposed to it and NOT have it infect you... I don't know that I'm there yet. It's hard for me to gauge whether or not I'm overreacting, being too sensitive and that I should be all 'principles over personalities' OR if it is a legitimate concern for my progress in the program... Keeping my mind in the program and one foot in front of the other is crucial for me now. I should be preserving my emotional sobriety at all costs - just not sure how to say what I mean, without being mean. Something to ponder I suppose. Thanks again all!
I am so grateful we can laugh about our unhealthy and codie inclinations without judging and shaming.