The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son and I are on vacation visiting my family. We are having a great time until my husband called me yesterday to tell me that he was in a car accident on his way to work. I guess I should be thankful alcohol wasn't involved (but will admit that was my FIRST thought). Now we don't have a 2nd vehicle because it's totaled and my husband is not allowed to drive our other vehicle because it was released from the impound lot to me after his DUI. I'm trying not to think about all the "what ifs" that will come from this accident, I'm trying to enjoy what's left of my vacation, but I just can't help myself. I tell ya - I would love to just spend the rest of the summer here with my family - I don't want to go home.
It is difficult to remember the things we know when we are thrown into another mess. What I try to do, and I emphasize the word TRY, is to remember what my sponsor has me read every day. It is found in Melody Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go" daily reader on May 13
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and posses his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that persons property.
Peoples lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
Peoples hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people dont like themselves, that is their choice. Other peoples choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isnt ours, we dont take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of whats ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesnt. If its not mine, I wont keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
i'd love to give u some advice, but i am having trouble detaching with love. if i had the opportunity to stay somewhere for the summer and not work.....i'd be outta here. let'em walk i'd say. enjoy urself!!!!
Aloha Mom...actually you're in a great spot to work a detachment. You are not there you are somewhere else taking care of your vacation responsibility and having a great time. Your husband can take care of business...permit him to do so without interfering with it. When and if he ask you the questions Where were you after this went down? The answer; not here taking care of vacation business and you didn't need my help.
It was his accident...not "ours". He has options. Allow him to choose what he thinks will work for him...then stand back.
It's ok enjoy your holiday . So one vehicle and your the only driver hmmmm , well maybe hubby will have to find a co worker to drive him to work from now on . He created the mess he can fix it . Luckily he wasn't hurt in accident and hopfully no one else was either . enjoy
A vacation sounds really great to me right now! When I think about vacation, I think about the arousal of all my senses... seeing something new, feeling the air against my skin, smelling the air, etc....
Stay in the present moment , Mom. Give YOURSELF a getaway. Be there for YOURSELF.
Maybe you'll have some issues to wrestle with when you return. TODAY is not that day.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Go ahead and enjoy the rest of your holiday. You can't do anything from where you are. So stay in the moment and relish the time with your son. This is life on life's terms. Right now you are on vacation, so have a ball. He was smart enough to get a job, he can figure out how to get there. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Learning that my helping was more like interfering & that I was taking away the A's dignity & respect by not allowing them to handle their own issues & dramas helped me understand to not get involved anymore. I had never considered that the A had dignity, so of course I wasnt giving them any either. It helped me not get involved on many levels. I was SO busy living their life, no one was running mine. I "fired" myself one day from being my parent's care taker & chose to take care of myself.
I also set boundaries & followed through on them ~ this is what first allowed me to experience detachment. I did what I had to do, concentrated on me & was there for me fully. I wasnt not motivated by their reaction -- this gave me detachment. Then I got busy practising being "OK" even when they were in a crisis - I worked to soothe myself, for the first time & I was soothed. I was ok. My new job became, minding my own business & at the same time, I was giving dignity to the A's, wow! Talk about a win-win situation!
I also love the acronym for DETACH: dont even think of changing him/her.
All that time & energy I was using to influence other people... I turned it all around & put it to me and today I truly appreciate the work I do... I am no longer resented by others with whom I'm influencing. I see a change & go for it with me - sky's the limit!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This is life on life's terms. Right now you are on vacation, so have a ball. 
He was smart enough to get a job, he can figure out how to get there. Love and blessings to you and your family.