What is happening? - Al-Anon Family Group

Lotus · Member

What is happening?

Melissa21 · Senior Member

Welcome Lotus!

You are in the right place! You should look for Alanon meetings near you and attend some asap!

I can relate to some of what you said. So I will share with you some of the things I have learned since I came here. We do not give out advice or tell you what to do; we just share what we have done you take what you like and leave the rest.

I know I can not control his drinking; I am powerless over it.

The 3 C's. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. He has a disease called alcoholism. I suggest you google alcoholism and learn as much as you can about it.

Alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. I know my A (A is what we call alcoholic) deep down inside knows the pain and hurt he has caused me, but he is still in denial and wont admit it. He is hurting enough from all the things he has done wrong. When he takes the blame it hurts him even more so he turns to his beer or puts the blame on me some way or another because strangely that makes him feel better about the situation.

Right now you need to worry about YOU and your baby. Learn how to detach with love from the alcoholic. Mind your own business and STOP worrying about what he is drinking or how much he is drinking. This is MUCH easier said than done, but one day at a time I worked on it.

Many alcoholics are in denial and wont admit they are an alcoholic and drug user. It will just cause more pain and hurt to their life.

I also don't have a car and didn't have a job when I was with him. But I have been here 7 months and I am working on ME. I have a job now. I moved out of his house (much more to it than just drinking...) I am staying with my mother and hoping to get my own apartment soon.

I had to get out and do things for ME and stop worrying about what he was doing. I can't control his actions so worrying about him did ME NO good.

There is a link here to the chat room which has 2 meetings daily!! Many helpful people will come along and reply to your post. We understand and can relate to what you are going through. For now I think you need to take steps to attend Alanon and work on YOU. Take is slowly you can't learn much over night. But just for today know that you are not alone and you can share with us at any time you wish! You will find that there is hope for you!

Melissa

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lotus and welcome.   Melissa had some good feedback for you...much closer
to a solution than a guy member who has been around for a while. My alcoholic
was my last wife and the woman before that and the addict wife before that. I am
learning after all.   Some of what I learned is this...alcohol is a mind and mood and
behavior altering chemical just like weed or pot or herb or whatever else name is
being used to justify it today. Alcoholic are not dumb they are addicted period.
They are not blind they know and can see the trouble that is being caused with
their drinking. They are more compulsed to drink than not to and more than save
the marriage, their jobs, health etc. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an
allergy of the body. It is also a solvent for marriages. (I am a dual program
member). Violence is often a usual indicator for substance abuse and addiction and
having said that let me also admit that not only did I also employ it during the
drinking years I also have experience as a past Alternatives to Violence case
manager.   If the drinking has arrived at violence just once and much more so if it
has gone beyond that without help...go for help quickly. In fact I would say call
the local victims of violence program and ask for help. When the alcoholic
crosses that line and resorts to violence without some severe consequence to his
butt the chances are that it will happen again and maybe sooner than you expect.
One of the consequences of alcoholism is death and that doesn't mean to him only.
There are more dead victims of this disease currently interred in graves or vases
who never touched the bottle.   It's time for you to say STOP!! for yourself. He
needs a different consequence than "No I don't even want to have sex with you
but okay!!" He's not getting the signals he needs and you are isolated from help
by your own fear and decisions.   Your young son is not a justification for saying
yes or staying in danger.   Let me repeat..I am a recovering alcoholic and past
physical abuser of my sick spouse.   I now believe and practice that there is no
justification for violence and for remaining the victim.

Of course MIP board and chat room if you can't get to the face to face Al-Anon
meetings in your area.   Al-Anon saved and then gave me back my life so that
I could then get sober and arrest my dependence on violence when I felt fearful
and didn't know there were alternatives to hitting and striking.

It's your time now. Get the suggestions here and apply faith and courage to
them and I hope things change for you and your alcoholic real soon.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Lotus · Member

Thanks for your replies guys. Going to meetings is pretty out of the question, since I only use the car to go to the grocery store, and I don't even feel safe doing them online, but I can use the message boards safely, so I'll try to get as much help here as I can, and maybe someone can just paint a clearer picture of what to expect from my situation.

He has not been violent since he stopped drinking, but I can't get over being afraid of him. Especially since he considers the risk of violence worth the pleasure of drinking.

I am familiar with the 12 Steps and all of the traps of codependency. It's very hard for me to not care at all what he does because as long as I grin and bear it, he won't drink himself into a coma and our son, who is very close to his dad, will never know that anything's amiss. I feel like if I can't just buck up, be thankful he's not beating me or cheating on me, and keep having sex like a good wife that I'm jeopardizing my son's little fairy tale life. But I can't keep buying peace with sex.

I know that his behavior isn't at all my responsibility, but I also know that if I force him to abstain, he will, but he won't like it, and that's where I get confused. It seems like I do have control over his drinking, but I don't want it. I don't want to sit on a box trying to keep the lid from bursting open for the rest of my life. He sometimes claims to have no more desire to drink, but I don't believe that because he talks about starting up again frequently. He seems to think that he can drink a six pack and as long as he acts nice, I can't complain, but he knows that by drinking he is risking eventually having a violent explosion, and I want a safe home for my son....and happiness too, of course.

The house is in my name. My son loves his home, I don't want to leave, and I couldn't anyway, with no car and not a penny. I guess I could just tell him to drink if he wants, but I'll leave him if he does? He will choose not to drink, but he won't deal with his issues, and things will stay the way they are now, in artificially peaceful suspension. I just don't know how to handle the sexual intimacy issue. That's the main one, since I am part of that problem. By that I mean as long as I continue to grit my teeth and go along, I'm driving the wedge between us deeper, and keeping him from possible recovery, or the inevitable meltdown.

I just realised that I need to require him to seek treatment in addition to abstaining. What if he refuses? That is what will probably bring everything into the light, for good or bad, although truth is always ultimately good.

Has anyone had a complete loss of desire to have anything but a platonic relationship with their spouse before, during, or after their recovery? How did you explain that to them? How did they handle that? What if I never feel the same way about him again?

-- Edited by Lotus on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 06:23:11 PM

-- Edited by Lotus on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 06:31:37 PM

-- Edited by Lotus on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 06:43:10 PM

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

First thing that comes to mind: Step one: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol... that our lives had become unmanageable".

I saw mention that you feel you're controlling the alcohol.. but I don't see it that way. If you had the control you really desired over it, he'd have stopped drinking and would be everything you expect a husband to be - happy, supportive, loving... not pissed off because he can't drink.

One thing I've learned through all of this is I can either accept my AH for who he is or not.

If I cannot accept him for who he is, and demand he change in order to make me feel happy or secure, then it's probably time for me to go... this way he can live his life however he pleases without my feeling affected by it, and I finally give myself the breathing room I need because a place of non-acceptance for me is a place of constant manipulation of the other person.

You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. And only you get to define what's unacceptable for you. Not me, not the next poster, not your neighbor... only you.

This is not what you'll want to hear, but in Al-Anon, we do not give advice or suggestions on what to do with your life or marriage. That is a VERY personal decision, Suggesting you either leave him or stay with him leaves us suggestion-givers open for blame or responsibility in some way for how your life turns out -- good or bad.

As far as talking with my spouse about his addictions and problems... I've learned, and have had it made very clear to me, that I cannot talk to the disease about the disease. It's pointless, and if anything, the disease uses the judgement as yet another excuse to drink or drug some more.

-- Edited by Aloha on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 06:53:12 PM

Lotus · Member

Thank you Aloha. I understand about the advice giving. Since joining this forum and telling my story only hours ago, I've had a eureka moment (that I need to attend real Al-Anon meetings, no matter what he thinks or says), so thank you everyone. I'll just keep posting and sharing.

Inpain · Senior Member

Lotus,

If he brings up the desire to drink, then he probably does want a drink. There is NOTHING you can do about that. I say it because I know. My husband is a dry drunk. He is not in AA and has stopped drinking because I have told him if he drinks, I will file for a divorce and that scares him to death. The reality is, I MAY have to face that very situation. When I really look at my motives for the boundary that I set, it's because I FEAR my own reaction and emotions to his drinking. I don't like the way *I* feel when he drinks. There is a good article about boundaries here
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page14.html

Just because he has quit drinking doesn't suddenly mean all the problems are gone either. My husband can be very angry at times and act out.

I had lost the desire for sex, but that is really only one small part of the pie. I have to assume because you feel unsafe and angry with your husband that plays a large role in your emotions and your connection to him. That intimate connection is not there because alcohol has made it quite fuzzy.

I'm new to al-anon and trying hard and make lots of mistakes. It's very very easy for me to be angry at my husband for all that he has done and all that I feel that has been stripped from me. The problem was, he felt that. He really could feel my resentment, and that fueled his addictions further.

I'm now trying to work on me and it's a struggle. It's a constant attention to how my mind focusses on negatives and positive messages within me. Al-anon has helped foster positive messages.

I see you are familiar with codependency. I suggest Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More. She wrote a chapter on sex and you do not have to have sex if you are not comfortable. I think it's fair to say, "I love you, and am hurting. I cannot resume an sexual relationship until I heal myself" - Please be careful how you word this. Your husband can also feel the anger and resentment for the situation.

When I feel the negative messages overcome, I pray. I pray to my HP and keep praying. A lot of the times it helps...sometimes my negative messages are too powerful and I just have to accept them and hope they pass.

Another amazing tidbit of information I was given was here.
http://joy2meu.com/Fear_of_Intimacy.html

Please know you have options and control you.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

You might call and ask if there is anyone who would pick u up.

There are also meetings here online. Don't put your self in a bad position to get to meetings, or just stop Al Anon because you cannot go to face to face. Of course it is the best but the meetings on here in the chat room are great.

On top of the message board tells you about it.

Lotus, I had to make my own bedroom. I could not sleep next to him either. Did not mean I did not love him though. For me it was more the longing for him. I layed there next to a monster, not my husband.

He disgusted himself when he was messed up so would not try intimate stuff.

The one time he did years ago it was awful and I felt raped. Is a horrible memory.

He just was not him. It did not feel like love.
I don't know if you have a room you can make for you, or have a comfy couch. But for me, I had to do what was best for my feelings.

It was like if he does not fix the door handle, I will. I quit wanting him to do anything, I can only control me. If he uses I am NOT going to sleep with him. For me I was more comfy in my bedroom. Had a tv, a door out, bathroom/shower.

An A cannot quit just becuz we tell them to.Is totally up to them. They have to want to. We have to detach from the disease and think about what we want. They are very,very, sick. We need to learn to not allow the illness to hurt us and or our children.

Kids of A's have a horrible time. They do so much better if the other parent uses Al Anon tools.

Glad you are here. Very honest,Open share. love,debilyn who wishes her AH was asleep in his bedroom

MrsGratitude · Veteran Member

Lotus -

Glad you are here.

You are describing a sad and serious situation. The violence will return. It is only a matter of time. What you are calling sex is not love-making.

It would be of tremendous assist to you if you contact your locat Al-anon office and find out about getting to some meetings ASAP.

You might also consider a non-confrontational conversation and put up some gentle boundaries.

The best way you can improve the situation is to take care of yourself.

Sending you prayers and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

Mrs. Grat

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.