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Hi.. Im Cathy.. A couple of weeks ago i had something happen that I have not shared with many.. Cause i did not want people to think i was crazy.. Those I have shared it with though says they thought it was a spiratial awakening and then my sponser last night said she though it was also forgivness.. It started a few weeks ago when i went to a meeting and got very angry.. My share is what started the anger.. Mostly I was angry about all the abuse I had been thru starting at a very young age and continueing till I came to the program now 5 years ago.. I have had nightmares all my life over all this.. horrible nightmares.. sometimes night after night.. sometimes over and over again a night.. I have lived with them.. I was not having them every day of my life though.. When tehy would come up though.. I would have them for long period of times.. Be terrified to sleep at all.. Would stay up all night and sleep in the day... Was the time i felt safe to sleep.. A terrible fear to live with.. Well this started up after this meeting.. and luckly for me I had a dear friend in chat that would talk to me and listen to me over and over again and neer stop supporting me.. never tell me enough was enough.. She would let me be angry.. Vent.. type in my tears.. She was there for me and helped me so much and I have alot of gratitude for that and for her frinedship.. One night after we had talked for a while i went to bed.. and as usual i had a horrible nightmare.. I got up for a bit and then decided to try to go back to bed again.. I layed there so scared.. Finally i closed my eyes though and i saw something amazing. I saw that abued lil girl sitting there alone and crying.. Just as i have many times.. I saw her though.. She was there.. all alone and crying.. I curled up and started crying to.. We both cried for what felt like forever.. All the anger i had been feeling was gone. The fear was gone.. I just cried.. finally I stopped and i went back to sleep.. feeling so safe.. feeling i was really going to be ok.. I have never in my life felt totall safe like i did after that.. It was wonderfull.. Even the next day after i woke up.. I felt at peace.. I felt safe.. I felt happy.. It was wonderfull.. I had told sponser about this after it happend.. And last night she asked me if i had had anymore nightmares.. and i had to sit and think about it.. no i havent.. not 1.. she asked if i had felt scared and i told her no i have not.. she asked if i had felt the anger about the abuse or to HP for the abuse.. and i said.. no i have not.. Its amazing.. She said she thinks i have finally forgiven myself for what happend.. All the blame and guilt i had.. has been gone.. Its so freeing to feel all this.. I would not have this without this program.. Its a wonderfull gift.. And it all becasue of this prgram and the people in it.. It all becasue the work i have done in it.. It because we dont do this alone.. We do it together.. This porgram has once again saved my life... It keeps doing it over and over again.. I think sponser is right.. I think I have forgivin myself.. I have felt different since all this happend.. not sure i can expalin it.. its a good differnet though.. thank you all for being who you are and being a part of this program.. and thank you for letting me go over and ovr things.. even when sometimes i know you want to say enough already.. guess sometimes it just takes me a lil time to get it processed and get it.. thank you all.
I'm so happy for you!! I recall being in chat with you way back when. We've all come so far from that time. And you're right, it's due (in part) to the program. The real success though comes from within, allow yourself the kudos, you've worked hard. The work we do in the program is paramount. Without members, it just remains a program. There's nothing better then freedom of the mind.
(((hugs)))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Aloha TBP...Good for you!! Letting go of the fear and getting a hold of faith also worked for me too. Like yourself I've had massive nightmares during my lifetime and not as much lately and I believe from also working this program. No only did the nightmares reduce but I have also experience light, happy, joyful and fun filled dreams instead. I have even heard myself laugh in my sleep. Incredible!! I still will have a nightmare or panic dream from time to time and I know what that is all about now...stressing myself to the snapping point with worry and anxiety and it's not anywhere like it use to be. Good for you!! I am happy with you. (((((hugs))))
I am so happy for you Cathy. You truly deserve to forgive yourself and let your past anger and hurt go and Let Go and Let God. I have seen such growth in you in the time I have known you. You really have blossomed and shine! Kudos to you on your Spiritual awakening/Forgiveness.
Yours in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
