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When my GF was active, she sent her daughter up to Tennessee from Georgia to live with her daddy that she had only known for 2 years because he wanted nothing to do with a child until the time she was 12. She stayed there for 2 years and during that time, her mom completed a 6 month drug program, outpatient, and aftercare. She attends NA meetings 3-4 times a week. She has been clean for a year and is looking to get certified as a substance abuse counselor within the next year or so.
Her daughter came back down to visit us for the summer and decided she wanted to stay because she did not get along with her dad very well because they barely know each other. Since she is staying, her mom filed for child support which he has never paid before. The daughter is 16 now. Her dad called her a week ago and said there would be a family reunion for July 4th and invited his daughter back. She went to see the family and he was supposed to bring her back today, but instead my GF got a summons to court in TN for Friday morning. He got emergency custody by saying she was an unfit parent and a drug addict and that he feared for his daughter's safety. He actively uses drugs btw but I guess he isnt an addict since he can maintain.
Needless to say, she is distraught. I am in al anon and have been doing a good job of staying out of her business up until now. I agreed to take her to TN on Friday, but beyond that I am having trouble figuring out what is being supportive vs fixing her problem for her. The questions I am pondering are...
1. Should I take her? 2. Should I go in to court with her? 3. Should I pay for an attorney?
Through this program, I know I am not responsible and I dont have to do any of these things. I have a choice and since I feel like she is not in the wrong in this case, I want to help her as best I can without being her super hero like I used to be.
The suggestion about being very emotionally and spiritually supportive of her is best for me otherwise you could find yourself loosing yourself as things start to heat up. Your GF is running strong for someone with a year clean. Looks like she's got it sooo well that she can fix others. It could happen but usually not suggested for such a newbie. Be supportive...ask her how you can be of help for her and then think about her responses. If you're thinking about a more intimate relationship I'd suggest getting into the face to face meetings of Al- Anon in your area and getting support from those of us who have been there done that and can tell you how the pieces were spread out. Easy does it!! Let go and Let God!! When in doubt...DON'T!!
We all need love and support and help at times in our lives. It sounds like this is one of those times in your GF's life. How lucky she is to have your love and support. Seems pretty clear to me...
I do wonder why we as alanons in the program, have this tendenicy to question our pure motives. Loving someone and helping them when they need is is far different from enabling with the intent to manipulate to get what WE need.
Good luck to both of you. Money complicates everything.
I talked to someone at my f2f last night and they said to do ONLY what I felt comfortable doing and try to keep HP in mind. After that, I was all geared up to go and be of any help I could. Then this morning, I think I over heard her telling her daughter on the phone "I told you he would do something like this." She then suggested to her daughter that she might call the police and report it as kidnapping.
I probably would not take it that far and I would be uncomfortable supporting that. I also dont support the "I told you so's" being told to a 16 year old that already realizes she made a mistake; however, I do understand that a mother would be upset and not thinking clear at a time like this.
That's my problem. If I get involved, I cant control other's decisions and then I indirectly suffer from them as well. If I dont get involved, I feel like I am letting her down.
I have to find the middle. This is such a tricky line to walk.
At 16, I would think the daughter will have some say in who she wants to live with. Hopefully, she will be there too.
Were they ever married? Who has legal custody? Did any of this go through the courts? If the GF has legal custudy, she is the one that needs to file kidnapping charges and IMO, should not ask the daughter to DO anything. He's probably p*ssed that she wants support If she has legal custody, take proof. If she has any papers from rehab, take proof. You can be a witness as to her year sober. I would think he needs to prove that she takes drugs and the child is in danger in order to pull this off. Without proof, he's got nothing.
And yes, I would support her all the way...
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The girl wants to live with us. They were never married. She has legal custody, but he filed for emergency custody. All the custody stuff has gone through the court. I dont believe it is kidnapping because she gave the girls cousin permission to take her to TN and she promised to bring her back today. Now the cousin has left town and the daughter is stuck with dad. It all seems set up, but I would not call it kidnapping until we go up Friday and he doesnt let her leave with us. The ONLY reason he is doing this is because he is mad about the child support.
I have decided that I will do all that I feel I am able to do. At this point, I am having a hard time with what to say to her. Everything, I think of sounds stupid to her right now like "for now you just have to accept it because you cant change it". She knows this because she is in recovery but that doesn't make it easier. She looks at me as if to say "STFU". Then I get upset like, hey Im just trying to help. Then I dont say anything else.
At this point, I will do what I need to do and I will let her network deal with the consoling part because I dont know what to say. If I was in her shoes, I wouldnt want to hear anything either.
What a mess. When we got to court, after a 4 hour drive, they would not even look at my AGF's letters because she did not have a lawyer. They said it could all be made up. The dad did not let the daughter come to court and her mom could not take her because he has a restraining order against her. Bottom line, the girl wants to come home, but he is not allowing her to make her wishes known to the court because his lawyer knows that at age 16 they will take them into serious consideration.
Come to find out AGF filed for child support back in 96 and dude fled across the country instead of submitting to a paternity test and paying child support, so he may not even be her dad even though he signed the birth certificate. How the hell can they take a daughter from her mother if this is the case? She used drugs and is getting help. He used and probably is still using. They both submitted and came up negative on urine tests, but the court denied her request for the more extensive hair sample test.
They would not let the girl come home. Until AGF gets a lawyer, the case is postponed for 40 days during which the girl is trapped with this guy who may not even be her dad and we had to make the 4 hour return trip home in tears.
In August, he will probably petition for more time to interview her character witnesses. Looks like he is going to try and drag this thing out for the last 3 years of her childhood and complete his goal of not paying.
-- Edited by CarlosNA on Friday 10th of July 2009 09:11:16 PM
