The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a codependent I am finding that my relationship insecurity is not just with As but with men in general. I am desperately lonely and so self-destructive when it comes to dating that my fears of always being alone just get reinforced. I know I am supposed to love myself, etc. But, honestly, I just WANT someone to share my life with and fear that I will never have it for the desperate need I have.
That special exclusive person? That one who could do no wrong by me, for me, to me because of me....? Do you know anyone that has that kind of idealistic relationship in your neighborhood or past memories? Some one told a jok on the board about the crochetted dolls and $95,000 or some amount like that.
I hope they read your post and my little response here so she could tell it again. It was soooo funny and soooo true to life.
I relate to you a lot. I have learned a few things about codependency by listening to others in Alanon:
1) A Step 4 inventory will show MY part, which I can work on and turn over to a HP.
2) If I don't keep the focus on myself and work the Alanon program I will keep picking alcoholics.
3) Desperate people don't make good choices. Kind of like shopping in a candy store when you are hungry. Lol. I have seen the other side of this dynamic twice this weekend:
a) A guy friend with many issues got drunk and told me he loved me even though I have told him numerous times that I am not interested and that such talk makes me uncomfortable etc.
b) Another friend (a woman) can't stop acting helpless about the simplest matters and trying to hold me and her other friends "hostage in a guilt trip" in an effort to get us to do things she can do for herself (i.e. household chores etc.).
Unfortunately I saw shades of myself in both situations. I realized the importance of taking care of MYSELF. Needy people come off as energy vampires. People run from them. HP helps those who helps themselves.
I hope this helps. You helped me by getting me to write this down!
"I just WANT someone to share my life with and fear that I will never have it for the desperate need I have. " Sounds like a catch 22. Something has to change for it to be different. I would suggest you make an honest attempt to do some inner work. Figure out why you feel this "desperate need" is a part of your life. It is NOT who you are. Although I'm sure it feels very real to you, it is a misconstrued belief that you have about yourself. We have a personal responsibility to our own well being, to strive to be what/who we envision our most healthy selves to be.
I don't recall if you attend meetings or have a Sponsor, if not, that would be #1 on the road to healthier thinking.
This is a Cherokee fable:
"One evening, a grandfather was teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces.
"'There are two wolves struggling inside each of us,' the old man said.
"'One wolf is vengefulness, anger, resentment, self-pity, fear. The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth, love.'
"The grandson sat, thinking, then asked: 'Which wolf wins, Grandfather?'
"His grandfather replied, 'The one you feed.'"
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well, CoDe, what will happen if you never ever find someone to share your life with? And the best you get is your own company and the love of friends and family? What if that is all there is in this life? I would say, that's not too bad!
On the other hand, what if you decide to value yourself, enjoy your own company and nurture your own soul, and THEN you find someone who you are interested in (not to make you feel complete or to save you, but to be a true partner and compliment your life) how great would that be?
It is a bit scarey to be alone at first. It is also exciting to make decisions based only on what you need...
And healthy people attract healthy people.
My biggest fear today is not being alone forever...it is ever allowing myself to be in an insane realtionship...ever again.
You have some great responses here. Christy that is beautiful.
I too am codependant and can relate so well to your post. I want so much to have a loving relationship with someone who is there for me. I look at others who seem to have the perfect relationship and wonder why I cant have that too. I realise though that the great big painful void inside of me cannot be filled by someone else. I have to fill it with self love, if I dont get the foundation right then how can I build a strong and healthy relationship. Code I feel your pain and your not alone. Always focusing on what we want and what we havent got makes us miss out on all the precious things we have. I have to agree with Seren on this one, being with ourselves, loving ourself is a dream compared with being in the nightmare of an unhealthy relationship.
Theres a really intresting clip on Youtube by Ekhart Tolle, entitled One Sided Love Relationships. It gives great insight into the thinking behind needing another to fulfill our lives.
By working my program and working on loving ME, I will get to be healthy and happy, what happens after that is up to my HP.
CoDe.. You have some great responses from people who know just what you are talking about. I am another person who typically has difficulty with relationships with men. In my life, I learned early, that men were either to be feared, or they were objects of affection. Somehow my early impressions of men and relationships did not include friendship, partnership, and platonic influence. When I began dating, it never failed, I always chose the wrong men for me, leaving me feeling victimized and helpless. No surprise really.
I realize that the common denominator in that is me and that if I want things in my life to be different, then I need to make different choices. For me, I need to examine what my attitudes are, what my contributions are, what my attractions are, and why? Through that process I am gaining insight on myself and liking myself better, which is making my NEED for a relationship much less. Alanon and Sponsorship have been a huge help to me.
I relate to the 'desperate' feeling, I've been feeling it this past week. Thanks to the program, I'm able to recognize that it's riding right alongside my Fear... (losing the house to foreclosure, not knowing where I should live next, not even knowing how to proceed, hating my piddly low-paying job....) I have a lot on my plate... and I begin to run with the fear. Last week, I started checking out the internet dating sites. I never registered, but an honest profile would read, "Rescue Me!!!!!!!!!!"
I know it's my ego (my disease?) that believes my needs can be met from some other source, a source other than my Higher Power. This line of thinking creates separation between me and my HP.
So, I am trying real hard to get back with my HP this week. I've let the "shopping" go for now.
So glad I'm not alone. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 12:14:08 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This is a fantastic post. So much great stuff here that I have bookmarked to come back and read on my comp.
I can so relate to the NEED in a relationships. Today, I was listening to a book on tape and the writer said that people with low self esteem are those who when in a relationship, only bring to the table their needs to be met. This really hit home for me. Simple, but somehow it made me realize just how codependent I truly was and how I was looking for someone else to "make me right" to fill up that gaping hole and emptiness inside of me. I was once told that I need to stop looking to someone to fill the H-O-L-E inside of me and make me WHOLE. For as long as I can remember I have looked to men for validation. Their attention and affection meant that I was attractive and worthy and intelligent and all the other good things. I kept looking towards my relationships to bring me all my good feelings and was not meeting my own basic needs of self validation. My self concept was even tied into someone loving me. Sometimes I didn't even know who I was without that other person. I felt like I didnt' matter, if someone wasn't loving me. Alot of times, I tried to FORCE change out of someone just so that they could meet my unhealthy needs in the relationship.
All these responses really helped to reniforce to me how important it is for me to learn to be happy with me FIRST and to value SELF LOVE over the love of another. No one can love me well, just like we cannot love the A sober. THe same goes for us codies. Thank you so much for this share.
