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Should I consider reading my A's email and/or text messages to confirm whether he is lying or not?
I have always believed him 100% until some recent incidents where I was told he was lying to me (and he was). Even in the face of "hard" evidence he will not admit to anything (except when he is drunk and then denies saying it when he is sober).
My best girlfriend only found out about her non A boyfriend's cheating by doing this. She is now happily engaged to another person.
On the one hand I would know the truth, not doubt my intuition and be able to act accordingly. On the other hand, I would feel guilty about breaking his trust.
I also thought that I could voice my doubts about his honesty yet again when he is at my house. I could then ask him to put my doubts to rest by letting me look at his email (like I have offered when he has had unfounded doubts about me).
Any advice? Any experience with this? Thanks.
Please be gentle as I am very new at posting here.
I have been in FTF Alanon meetings for about 7 months, have just gotten a sponsor and have started the steps. I go to about 3-4 FTF meetings a week, read all the literature I can get my hands on, and read this message board every day.
Well, would you be prepared to find out that he is lying?
I found out about my ex's affair by reading his emails. And immediatly after, I wish I hadn't. Today, I am glad I found out. His behavior was so strange and cruel that I just knew something was off. And I needed proof and I found it in spades.
Check, don't check...does it really matter? If you are doubting him, if you do not trust him or your own intuition...what kind of a relationship do you have anyway.
Alcoholics lie. And you can tell they are lying when their lips are moving. I know that sounds harsh, but I have found it to be very true.
Hi Bella and welcome. I am not known for being particularly gentle when making a point I consider important, but I'll try.
There is not really any need to read his texts or his emails. Consider this: Seren is spot on!! When an alcoholic's mouth is moving, he is lying. Alcoholics drink and lie. Please do not upset yourself further by reading what was not intended for your eyes to see.
I send good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I just think it's an exercise in futility... if you're like me, you'd check his e-mails to "catch your A lying", and if you got evidence that he was, indeed, lying, you'd feel one way.... and if you didn't catch him, but your gut still was telling you the same thing anyway, you'd feel like you didn't just catch him "this time".....
In my opinion, reading his texts or e-mails is very similar to going searching for bottles - it's a no-win situation for you, and keeps your focus on HIM, rather than you.....
Just my two cents Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 10:57:45 AM
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
oh, Bella, I've snooped. and I've found evidence of his lies. aaaaand he denied writing the emails. just denied it flat out. "so someone broke into your email and wrote incriminating messages to this woman in response to HER incriminating messages?" i asked. he shrugged.
it is definitely a no-win situation, as canadianguy says. i didn't leave him once i found that evidence or even after i went through his cell phone bill to see if he was calling a certain person on the sly (he was).
no matter what you do, be prepared for what you find. i wasn't and i'm still sitting here, playing the fool.
If someone checked my emails, I would feel violated. So I try not to do things to others that add guilt to my side of the street. I do understand completely the obsessive insanity that we get sucked into when lied to or someone else is in complete denial. Sad thing is that in my experience many times they actually believe the lies they tell. I have to remind myself that it is a cunning baffling and powerful disease - then look those words up in the dictionary.Hehe. I pray that as I walk my program, I learn to trust my intuition and instincts (still a rookie at this) and when I am trully ready for the truth I ask my HP to reveal it to me with such clarity it cannot escape me, know HP will and try to go about my business. It works. (last time I prayed this, AH got a DUI - that's pretty clear) Sometimes I "can't handle the truth" that's where group support comes in.
I have learned that when I am tempted to do something like snoop into emails or read text message, I have to ask myself....
"What are you going to do with this information once you have it?"
That usually stops me in my tracks.
And yes the above are correct if someone is active in their disease and their mouths are moving they are lying to you.
One day I decided I wanted off the drama merry go round and started taking care of myself. Learned who's property is who's and let my higher power lead the rest of the way. It's worked out pretty well for me.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I'm going to go against everyone's advice and tell you to check. This exact situation happened to me, and the way I found my husband cheated was checking his phone records.
I don't regret it one bit because we would be in a much worse place than where we are now AND we're not in a great place now, but MUCH MUCH better.
Me discovering his affair was him having a big awakening about himself, his drinking and his depression.
Just be prepared. He WILL lie..even in the face of unquestionable evidence.
You don't trust him now, otherwise you wouldn't have even contemplated this post, so the trust has already been violated, and checking his email or texts won't build up your trust any more unless there is nothing there.
I'm so glad I did check. I had to do it for my own safety. I had to get an STD test after and so did my AH. I say do it for yourself or don't kiss or have sex with him anymore or you put your health at risk. You're MENTAL health has already been put at risk, so please don't risk your physical health by ignoring the signs. If he has stepped outside the marriage you have to get yourself checked.
Oh. Even if he physically hasn't had sex with someone else, please know if the phone or email show excessive use to one number or email, he IS having an affair. Read up on emotional affairs.
You've already seen the red flags in the relationship. He most likely will lie a lot more and it will infuriate you, but just prepare yourself.
-- Edited by Inpain on Tuesday 7th of July 2009 12:40:09 PM
It might be beneficial for you to attend some open AA meetings.
The reason this pops up in my mind is that I used to think everything coming out of my AH's mouth was a lie, too. He'd call me after work and tell me he's on his way home and then not show up for an hour or two later when the drive home is only a 15 minute drive.
It took several times of his doing this and then one time of my venting this to my sponsor one evening while I waited for him to show up for her to tell me "you know... the disease of alcoholism is insidious. I learned from reading the AA Big Book and from attending open AA meetings that most of the time, when an alcoholic says they're coming home or promises that they're going to do something, at the time, they really mean it. But then the disease kicks in - they go to have a drink and it's all over from there. They have NO control over their disease."
I can tell you from experience for ME... checking emails and phone logs and playing detective in general is sick behavior. I've indulged in it myself, and in the end I always ended up feeling like total crap, whether I found out something or not.
When my mind goes into detective-mode, it's a clear indication that I'm not comfortable in my own skin at the moment and am looking elsewhere to avoid focusing on what the REAL problems are.
When I can recognize this starting to occur, and if it is severe, I call my sponsor immediately. If the snoopiness urge isn't severe, I'll pull out some Al-Anon literature. I personally like to pull out one of my daily readers and flip to the back to the index. I try to identify the feelings I'm REALLY having at the time... like "lonely" or "sad" or "scared", etc. and then find that word in the index and flip to the page (or pages) the index points to and read the passages (as many as it takes, sometimes!).
Sometimes I need to just get outside of myself, too. If I'm feeling cornered by my feelings, sometimes I'll pick up the phone and call a friend and see how they're doing. Just gets my mind off of what's happening with me... and seriously, I feel those snoop-urges are major brain malfunctions going on.
Last, and certainly NOT least... I can bring my HP into it. Sit and pray or meditate... say the serenity prayer... just remind myself that I'm completely powerless over others, and that playing detective will only throw my life back into that "unmanageable" description in step one.
I found out that my husband had been cheating on me 7 months ago by looking through his phone while he was passed out. I was devestated, kicked him out and told him he would never see his daughter again.
This is when I realized how horrible and real my husbands addiction was and apparently he did too. He went to detox the very next day for a week then on to a 30 day rehab program.
We decided to give our marriage another try just a few months ago. My Husband is living in a sober house and we are going to marriage counseling. Trying to forgive him and myself is one of the hardest things and I struggle with it everyday.
In my situation I am glad I snooped but it was a horrible experience and I don't wish that upon anyone. I'm glad it was a wake up call for my husband, had I not found out how much longer would it have gone on? Then again, I'm not sure it's the best idea. You need to weigh your options and think of how you would feel and react if you did find something.
I snooped on my X just enough to find out everything. I never confronted her with the details of what I knew - but I knew she had a previous affair and was launching another one along with plans to leave me. It's all ancient history now but I'm glad I did it, because had she gone with her plans to BS me for a couple more months and then somehow coerce my friends into being there to "support" me when she broke the news, I might have never found out about the first affair. Knowing that made me very angry... and while there was no less pain involved, it did make my decision rather clear cut. My motive at the time was to find out what was going on, so I could make an informed decision - not to gather "AHA!!! GOTCHA!!!" evidence.
Because my snooping led directly to an acceleration of the separation/divorce, it really didn't change the outcome but did get me out of the cloak of ignorance I had been surrounded with. I'm not proud of how I did it, but - like I say - knowing the whole truth made the break with her final and not debatable.
If you want to know the truth and believe it will help YOU make a DECISION.... that's one thing. If you just want more ammunition to argue over in the next big fight, I don't see how that is helping you. If you should find out something, it's most valuable to you if you keep it close. Knowing a person is lying is a very strong advantage if he doesn't know you know he's lying But like I say, it's all in YOUR motives - if you can be secure in the knowledge, and use it to guide your decisions and actions, great. Anything else is just pulling yourself deeper into his game.
Louise
But like I say, it's all in YOUR motives - if you can be secure in the knowledge, and use it to guide your decisions and actions, great. Anything else is just pulling yourself deeper into his game.