i took a little trip to get away from AH and the insanity for a few days.  day one was fantastic.  day 2, less so.  i was anxious and kept thinking how happy HE must be that i'm not there, how he's probably LOVING being without me for a few days.  trying SO hard not to attempt to get into his head but...

days 3-5: i'm sick.  i came down with something awful and have been bedridden.  add to that the anxiety i feel about what AH is doing when i'm not there.

i feel like we're living in limbo: he makes halfhearted attempts at sobriety, i work my al anon program and we cry.  i feel like he is testing me now... pushing his behavior (he didn't even come home from a bender the night before i left for LA - he knew he wouldn't be seeing me for a week).  before the bomb dropped on our marriage, he would NEVER stay out all night on a bender.  now he's not calling, not texting nothing... just saying "sorry, i'm an a######" the next day.

i'm still wrestling with the insanity.  i'm still trying to control it.  hopefully the woman i would like to be my sponsor is at the f2f meeting on wednesday.  i really need one.