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I recently went to treatment for alcohol abuse and have 60 days of sobriety. My wife is still very hurt about the way I acted while I was a active alcoholic and wants a divorce. She doesn't think there is any way that things can get better. I am willing to do anything to save my marraige. She won't go to alanon or my family meetings @ outpatient therapy. She doesn't trust me to be the man she married. What can I do to save my marraige? Please help.
I am your wife. Well, not really but I certainly have worn her shoes and walked her path.
Stay sober and remain in program for yourself. Let the chips fall where they may. Just like she can't make you stay sober, you can't change her. You continue to work your program and let her see that. Do no pressure her. Do not keep haunting her. Irregardless of what she does....you still need to stay sober and do the right thing.
Right now she is angry...resentful....disappointed..hurt and cheated. She will need to find help for herself. But you must continue.
I am a wife of a 9 year recovered husband.....until 20 months ago. Since then it has been a roller coaster of relapses. I understand her. I am her.
You......stay sober and work your program. Let her be.
Much love to you. Congrats on your decision to get help.
I agree with Canary. Just take it one day at a time. I would ask her to go to Alanon meetings, but some just don't see the point in Alanon until their life is completely unmanageable. You can't force someone to go, if they are not willing to go they have not hit their rock bottom and don't feel it's right for them.
Keep going to AA and working on YOU the one and only thing you can change/fix. She will probably watch/believe your actions more than your words now.
Good luck!!
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
My father gave recovery a shot, but it wasn't until after the divorce was far enough along that he was removed from the house by deputy. I think he gave sobriety a few weeks shot, not sure. I saw a change in him but it was extremely fleeting. He didn't get it all back on his terms, on his timetable - and it was the end of him. Took him another 4.5 years to drink himself to death.
I watched another friend in AA do the exact same thing many years later.
My wife dumped me when I was 5 years sober. I somehow managed to stay sober. I don't know what I would have done has this happened at one year, or 6 months, or 6 days -- or before I got sober. It doesn't really matter what she does - what we need to do in recovery does not change.
We recover not for her, or because of her, or in spite of her, or to spite her... we recover to recover.
I would also like to say that 60 days is a very short period of time. Things are rapidly changing - don't assume the changes are permanent, or finished - the changes will continue. And if you continue in recovery, you will be astonished.
My wife has been in recovery since April 15th this year, after a lifetime of drinking. I don't know, but can only imagine how hard staying sober in recovery must be. My wife and I don't discuss her soberity, or program. I have been in Al-Anon for almost three years. It saved me, and my marriage. I continue to work my program and she works hers.
It pains me to read you post and know how much Al-Anon would mean to your wife if she would give it a try. But, as others members have told you the only thing you can do is put your recovery first and foremost.
I would also like to say I am very proud of you and I hope and pray everything works out for the two of you.
But, the most important thing Matt can do is to continue to take good care of Matt!!!
HUGS, RLC
P.S. Don't forget you can always ask you HP to talk to your wife about Al-Anon.
About 8 years ago, my A soon to be hubby told me that in order for our marriage to work, that I would need to go to alanon too. We had only been married 1 year. I thought, I'm not the one with the problem. It may not have been my problem then, but life with and A and without a program eventually leads to a problem. I came to MIP on the day before I was going to move out. I thought I had it all figured out...I was leaving my marriage yet again. I've been here a year this month. I'm still in my marriage and don't have anything figured out.
For myself, I feel let down. I feel like I settled. I feel like I should have seen the writing on the wall. If I had know then what I know now, I would have ran like heck. I am angry, resentful and bitter. Mostly angry, bitter and resentful at my own self. Unfortunately, he gets the brunt of my emotions.
Its 10 years I've been married. I still don't know what to do. I know one thing from past experiece...the stronger I am the stronger he is.
I'm just smiling to read all the wonderful shares from everyone.
As an alcoholic, your priority is staying sober. Period. That puts the focus on you and really doesn't leave a whole lot of room for bending over backwards in order to make other people happy.
I think it's fine to mention to her to check out an Al-Anon meeting - even attend an AA meeting and start learning as much about alcoholism as she can... but really, that's about all you can do. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink". I wouldn't push it, either, because then all you're doing is taking your focus away from sobriety and instead striving desperately to make someone happy - to be their "everything".
One thing I've learned in Al-Anon is that I simply cannot be everything to everyone. It is an exercise in futility. It is IMPOSSIBLE. I am not God. The same goes for my AH. He cannot be everything to everyone, especially me. It is impossible. HE is not God.
Your wife is a co-dependent. And until she can realize that for herself, she's always going to pin the success or lack thereof of her happiness on what you, her family, her friends, her co-workers, the stranger in the car in front of her, and so many others around her do. And since you need to focus on sobriety, you're just not going to be able to make her happy. She has to find it within.
Thank you for sharing your concerns. And CONGRATULATIONS on your sobriety! May your success in recovery continue on and on. I'm so happy for you!
Matt, do not give up hope ! BE the change you want to see! Walk the talk. DEMONSTRATE. ALIGN your behaviors with your words and place your serenity in the Number One priority in your life. Not hers, not anyone elses, YOU and YOURS. The rest will work itself out in HP's time, not anyone elses. hugs, J.
I know she won't go to Alanon, but would she be willing to read some Alanon literature? I'm thinking a newcomer packet, or the little "Living with Sobriety" booklet, or a meeting list. This would be a fine line - you don't want to be manipulating her, either - she would be right to resent you for that! Maybe ask her first?
Maybe practice telling her things as things you have heard in meetings (without breaking anonymity, of course). Like, "I've heard several times that relationships where both partners are in recovery have a better chance of survival". Then let it go. She reacts how she reacts, or not.
Don't do any of this if you're not prepared to accept whatever her reaction may be, even if it's negative. As others have said, you are still in very early sobriety, and your primary focus MUST be that sobriety. You've probably heard already about staying Honest, Open and Willing - that applies here too. You can't convince her you are the man she married - in point of fact, it's not true. You CAN, however, start showing her by your actions that you are once again becoming worthy of her trust, by being unfailingly honest, always showing up when you say you will, calling when there's a change in plans. Your marriage didn't get derailed in 60 days, and you can't get it back on the rails in 60 days. In fact you can't get it back on the rails single-handedly at all. All you can do is the next right thing. I wish you luck, and the grace of your higher power(s), to both of you.
