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I am warning you now, this is a vent. I've gone too long without al-anon and situations keep festering. Couldn't talk to my sponsor tonight, and I am about to blow. This may be long...
Had a glorious vacation in Hawaii and now I am back to reality. By the way, it was totally worth it.
Let's see... my AHsober (still not an ex and in strong recovery for 1.5 yrs) had to be a parent for a whole week while I was gone, and amazing things happened. For one, he shaved my 16 yr old son's head. A long story, but it came with an attitude adjustment, and thus far is a very good thing. It wasn't a punishment, but to remove his ego. So far so good. Son has been respectful, responsible and kind. AH now seems to support all the concerns I had regarding our son including where he spends his time and with whom. He even brought him to an AA meeting and took him for drug testing ($200 hair follicle test which he passed).
He also decided our 12 yr old daughter needs behavioral therapy. Yeah, as if alcoholism/addiction, divorce, a codependent mom, and dad's affair with married alcoholic woman with kids and must now share parts of weekends with, have nothing to do with it. The child wants control. My response was that I would support whatever he set up, but my belief is that the solution lies in us and our health and ability to learn to deal with her. Whatever.
Our youngest, 4.5 ys, worhips the ground his dad walks on and showed no great interest that I returned from my trip. As a matter of fact, I picked him up from daycare and he was disappointed that he wouldn't be with dad that night. That made me sad.
So, tonight get text from him. "Due to financial reasons", his A g/f (who I think is still technically married and supposedly in recovery) will be moving in with him. She has two kids. He is presently in a 1-bedroom apt, though there was discussion a while back about him moving to a 2-bedroom house in the country. Currently the kids are with him Wed night, Fri night, and every other Sat and Sun. She has her kids on the same schedule. He did point out that he wouldn't sleep with her with the kids there. As if that matters. What a guy!
Here are my issues. Or maybe you already know?
If she moves in, I do not want my kids to spend the night there anymore.
The woman is crazy. She is always stirring up drama and truly an emotional 15 yr old in a 40 yr old body. No boundaries . When she gets mad she screams out and calls names. The affair she had before my AH was with a woman. My kids are troubled enough and there is plenty of chaos without 3 more kids (she being one of them). AH works a lot, meaning they would get to spend lots of time with her.
Her oldest is 13 and a friend of my daughter. Her youngest is 9, and in the past year, she has not spoken a word to either one of my boys.
We are not yet divorced due to entanglement in our business and the influence the economy has had on it. Actually, thats a facto, but more of an excuse. Procrastination of pushing it on my part due to fear. I know the "financial reasons" he claims are because she can't afford to live on her own anymore, and her husband is finally done.
As many of you know, I have endured this relationship for a long time. I never told her husband. AH was kicked out of rehab due to her visits. I thought I was protecting my kids by staying quiet, but then AH does things like tell the kids she is his g/f on Father's Day. Aaaargh! I minded my own business and worked on myself, and my kids still took the hit.
I am done being quiet, and having a hard time using my program tonight. I sent him some texts in response, first telling him that I wanted discussion because I would not be comfortable with the kids spending the night there, followed by one telling him that I want an attorney meeting set up asap (collaborative so we all work together). Then, here is where I took my own path, I followed it with a text basically telling him that he is the one who needs behavioral therapy
My daughter walks on eggshells, working hard to keep our youngest from talking about the g/f situation around me. Son just shakes his head about the "drama". Initially son told dad he did not want to be around them until they were both divorced. Dad had a different agenda. They don't dislike her and have fun when all together. They have no choice and choose to make the best of it, but the guilt is eating up my daughter. I have not really talked to them about the whole situation, trying to take the high road and taking the advise of counselors, Dr Phil, etc, to not turn this adult issue into thier problem. But, they know what is going on. So, now I think I am strong enough to talk to them about my feelings.
Please know I am not speaking on behalf of a jealous scorned woman, but a mother who wants and needs to protect her babies. My children are vulnerable and truly on the edge. As if 1 A isn't enough for a lifetime. I won't make it easy this time around. I am thinking I don't have legal rights, but I will do what I can. I will also let his mother, brothers and sister in on the deal and they can apply some pressure. It truly is amazing how he has no ability to see beyond himself and how his actions influence others, particularly our kids.
The thing that is so confusing in all this is that he talks the talk, and anyone would think he has it all together. I am grateful for his involvement in our kids lives (since he became sober) .He is a great dad (taking out the moral factor) and the children love him and know he loves them in return, but he is a horrible role model.
If you made it this far and have some ESH to throw my way, I'd really appreciate it. I am working on me. Hey, I went to Hawaii and I have gotten pretty good at replacing my fear with faith. I will hang onto this program. I am a stronger woman today. I do know I will be okay. At the moment I just feel lost. I need a meeting....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I don't really have any ESH for you - just that I can relate to the procrastination and fear. I'm really having to keep taking life one day at a time and have found myself hitting that 'reset' button quite a bit over the past few days.
I would suggest that you do have a conversation with your lawyer and bring them up to date with this situation and get their professional opinion on what your legal rights are here. You don't know if you don't ask, right?
Your strength is apparent. Your growth thru all of this is apparent.Going to Hawaii was a good idea (I went in March). My AHsober and I have been separated for 4 years. He is mentally divorced and blames me for not being divorced. Our sons are grown and I have the same issues as you. I don't let them drink here. Dad does. He is a great dad and they love him and he loves them. He is a terrible role model. He doesn't work a program. He is sober but has side addictions. I am finding that my sons lie about seeing him. I think you are so appropriate in not wanting the kids over there. They don't need any more drama in their lives. A's only see what they want to see. They won't acknowledge the chaos that their choices have caused. My AHsober does not understand that alcoholism and all that goes with it impacts our family.
Go to a meeting. Read the literature. Talk to your HP. You are doing fine.
Hmmmm, did your ex think he could remove someone's ego???? wow
Lou, I don't have specific experience regarding raising children with shared custody. In reading this, I'm just thinking of Step one. We are powerless over the fall-out of the divorce. This includes how the kids are affected.
You can try to shelter the kids, but you have limited power over that. He is their parent too. In your shoes, I would be doing exactly the same thing, no doubt. Yet, consider what you are actually fighting. What is it about the situation, that you are really resisting? Can you ultimately control what your kids will see in the world? Trust me, you can't. Powerless.
My kids are older, just out of college. They definitely have all the earmarks of being raised in a crazy home, even though I tried for years to shelter them and smooth all that craziness over. I thought I did okay, we were the church-going, community-minded family. I was a stay-at home mom for 20 years, the kind who took in all their friends too. I did my very best. However, it didn't prevent them BOTH from developing anxiety disorders.
It's out of my control. They may find their life unmanageable and seek recovery, like me. Sometimes, it looks like they will take their dad's path. I am powerless.
He is their father. I cannot protect them from him and his influence. Powerless.
What you can focus on, is your own relationship with your children when they are with YOU. I have found that by letting my kids be who they are around me, allows them to be at ease with me. There are no boundaries about what they can talk to me about, there's no pressure, no eggshells. This makes them want to be with me, and that is truly all I want at this point. I want it to be easy for them to be with me, I want them to come around.
I believe that when I am at peace, I have influence too.
As always, take what you like... ((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I was once the live in A's girlfriend, then wife & step mother, which now I choose to be the woman the dad is married to.
Immediately, when I first got together with my hubby, his children absolutely LOVED me. They choose to be with me instead of their mom all the time, even when their dad was offshore. I always treated them as if they would have been my own children ( i don't have kids). I never talked about their money sucking bi sexual self centered mother. Oh but she did alot of bashing of me. No matter how good as gold I was, she was and still is their mother.
My point is this...u are their mother forever and always. That is a bond that will never be broken. When they get older, it will be you that they are proud to call mother. It will be you that they remember picked them up from school, it will be you that they remember their dad hurt from being an alcholic, it will be you they call on mothers day.
Don't sweat it....just go with the flow. And try your best to make your home as peaceful as possible. Afterall, you know what a home is like full of As. You have no control over what happens whne you kids are over there. Let them go until they decide they don't want to go. Let it be their decision. You will be the better person.
LOL! I used to say "he is a great dad...just take away the crack addict part" now it just sounds silly to me. They are who they are. We can't take out the bad parts. They are the bad parts as well as the good parts.
I think your boundries are perfectly in line with your parenting. I remember my ex had this really great idea that he could continue his affair with another woman and he would move into the laundry room so he could still be there for the kids. And he and this other woman could do stuff with the kids.....
Being their mother first, I said, um, NO and how about you put you wanker back in your pants and put your kids feelings first (that never happened...still hasn't)
No way would I condone co-habitating with an undivorced A (who is obviously not working a rigrously honest program)my children doing visitation. I would protect my kids from having to deal with that sort of confusion.
I understand and agree with "not making an adult problem their issue", but that statement is so inadequate in isolation I think it can do more harm than good. Giving them every devastating detail of his betrayal puts them in an impossible position between the two people whose halves make their whole. Not talking to them about it at all makes them think that, um, they can't talk about it.
Talking to them like tlcate said, giving them a safe environment to say whatever they need to say (you know, kinda like an alanon meeting) - priceless. Truly priceless.
