The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok.. I have been avoiding posting since i have been back in the room.. Have had a couple of people saying I should.. So here I am.. When i first came into this program.. I thought my biggest challenge was to learn how to live with alcoholism.. I knew I had alot of issues as well and knew there would be challenges.. I was very lucky to find a sponser that understood them.. So when i had these challenges she could me figure it if it was alanon challenges or the other things and then do what she could to help me thru which ever it was.. I then soon figured out that there was alot of griveing i needed to do.. and that just sent me for a wind spin.. Becasue that was someting i had never let myself do.. Or was not allowed to do.. See.. I grew up in a "A" home.. so i was taught you did not feel.. And if you did it was the wrong feeling.. So when i first came i did not know one from another. When my sponser learned this.. She would tell me what "She" heard.. And I started to understand.. Even when i did not want to.. lol.. I have been in the program 5 years now.. And so much more has come up and happend.. Things i am now having to learn to handle and to deal with.. Things like dealing with my anger with things that happend in my past.. Anger with my God.. Learning that its ok to feel these things.. Learning that i have that right.. A few weeks ago soemthign happend in a meeting.. And during my share i realized i had alot of anger that i thought i had already gotton thru.. well.. I was WRONG.. It seems that i have only pushed it back with some of the memories i had of my past.. So there has been alot of anger lately.. As some of you from the room know.. Another thing that has come up since being in the program is my mom being diognosed with alzhimerez.. This has a been a very hard thing and another thing i have been very angry about.. Because there is nothing to can do about this.. I cant help her.. I cant fix it.. And I cant stop it.. Grrrrrrr.. I am looseing her mentally.. and its very sad.. I went to stay at my sisters. who my mom lives with for my birthday this past week.. was just going to stay a couple of nights.. well.. it did not happen that way.. mom was having a hard time and cried a couple of times.. then on friday i was checking my email at my sisters and mom came in there and asked if she could sit with me... I said sure.. I was just checking email.. next thing i knew mom was crying.. i turned to hold her and asked what was wrong.. and she said she did not know.. And i truly believe she didnt.. then she asked me if i was staying again and i said no.. she started to cry again and asked me to stay just one more night.. I said ok.. One more night.. Then i have to go home.. saturday she was ok about me going home.. so i did.. It was ahrd being there.. and me hurting my back did not help matters any.. and i have no idea how i did it.. just know i am in alot of pain.. I never knew this program would help me or teach me to live with so much.. Even the abuse i have been thru since a young child.. till i came to the program 5 years ago.. It all seems to much at times.. like right now.. I feel like i am on a tredmill that will never stop.. Things just keep coming and comeing.. at times i cry. i yell.. i dont sleep.. i dont eat.. i dont talk.. I just feel like hideing out or disappearing.. I feel like running.. I know its said God does not give us more then we can h andle.. Well who does God think I am?? I am not this strong of person.. To handle all this at one time.. I feel like i have a weight that just keeps pulling at me.. i dont know.. how to expalin it.. And i know some of you will say.. keep working the program.. keep coming back.. I keep hearing it when i share in meetings. Thats not all this is though. Its not that easy.. Its like suddenly my program has brought all this up.. And i have been talking to alot of great people.. Freaked out of them alot too.. And they still listen.. lol.. and for some of this.. that is wht i have needed.. Waht do you do though.. When you no longer know how to talk about things though.. Well. I have wasted enough of time.. I will stop now.. Later..
-- Edited by debilyn on Sunday 5th of July 2009 12:53:18 PM
Glad to see you on the board teddybearpoet. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I have a mother with alzheimers too, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. Her mother (my mom's mom) had alzheimers before her and so I've been down this road before. There is a lot of acceptance that goes along with this disease, just like there is in alcoholism. It's funny about the parallels. We didn't Cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. They can slow it's progression these days with certain medications, but it is a progressive disease and it can not be arrested. Does the commonalities sound familar? I just work my program on my mother to some extent. Live and let live, Let Go and Let God, Easy Does it, Think, the 3 A's (Awareness, Accetance, Action) and most importantly One Day at a Time.
Enjoy this time you have with her. Take advantage of her heightened sense of the past and let her share her memories of her childhood with you. I got to know, really know my grandmother during this time of her life. For life for her was in her past. It is a hard disease to accept, it steals so much of who we knew from us. And it is hard to watch them slip away. But it was my experience with my grandmother that she had moments of "clarity" where she knew exactly what was going on and that was hard too. There was one night when I was staying with my mom and helping take care of grandma, who was a wanderer, and she woke up crying and said to me, "I woke up and I didn't know who I was, or where I was and I am frightened." It was amazing because she knew who she was and where she was and who I was when she told me this, and she hadn't known anyone in quite a while. I just took that opportunity to tell her, "We're always here grandma and even when you don't know us, or even know yourself, just know that God is here looking out for you and so are we." She held me and we cried.
It's a terrible disease this alzheimers, and you have been through so much tbp, I feel sorry that you are having to go through this too. Hold on to the good times with mom and enjoy her all you can. You will be glad you did.
Love,
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I go w/overcome on this one.........sooo sad....they say it is some sort of plaque that developes on parts of the brain......it breaks my heart....a good friend of mine whose mom i adored came ill w/alzheimer's....."eve" was a beauty....at 75 she was radiant...skin like milk....and a smile that would light up a cave.......lovely, shiny auburn hair and just a sweety to be around.......then she began to "forget stuff".....my friend "S" and i thought "oh its just getting old"., but , later, i was kinda scared....like real uncomfortable and wanted "S" to take "evie" to the doc....she would leave the stove on....forget where she parked the car, but OH...remember the past??? she would go out to dinner w/us and absolutely charm the socks off us w/her stories about the "old days"....
she got worse and worse and had to have constant watching..........i helped when i could but was married...working FT and so i did what i could............i had moved when she passed.......why was someone so lovely taken by this i do not know...she didn't have a cruel bone in her body.....i loved her to death...........i guess God needed her with him to spread her smiles up in heaven........
i am so sorry you are dealing with this........i wish to heavens that scientists would find cures for cancer and this alzheimer's .......not enough is being done for the folks who get stricken with these 2 awful diseases..........
i send you prayers of peace in this dificult time....
teddyb, Stick with the program girl. We need you as much as you need us :) I have been through the parent with alzheimers as well (m i l) and it is truly a devastating thing. So far it is one of God's many mysteries in my opinion. You are strong and will be strong even though sad. Keep coming back, ok. pw
My heart goes out to you and your mom. I'm glad you posted. For myself, I find that when I post, I get rid of some of those weights holding me down. Do something nice for yourself..sometimes something nice is a simple as a fresh pot of coffee with extra cream for me.
.. I knew I had alot of issues as well and knew there would be challenges.. I was very lucky to find a sponser that understood them
.. So when i had these challenges she could me figure it if it was alanon challenges or the other things and then do what she could to help me thru which ever it was
.. and that just sent me for a wind spin.. Becasue that was someting i had never let myself do.. Or was not allowed to do
. When my sponser learned this.. She would tell me what "She" heard.. And I started to understand
.. Even when i did not want to
.. Anger with my God
.. So there has been alot of anger lately.. As some of you from the room know
.. Another thing that has come up since being in the program is my mom being diognosed with alzhimerez.. This has a been a very hard thing and another thing i have been very angry about