The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've recently started a relationship with an old friend that I've known for years. I have always had feelings for him and now we are together, only I learned that he is an alcoholic. I'm so sad about this, but I like him so much and don't want it to end.
Yesterday, we spent some time together at some outdoor gathering spots at the beach. We were meeting tourist and chatting and having a good time. We were were close and flirting and intimate. We also met up briefly with a friend of his. Anyway, he was complimenting me a lot and I felt that we were having a great time.
Of course, these places serve drinks, naturally, and it's just typically for everyone to drink, so he likes that.
By the end of the our time together, as we were walking back to our cars, and suddenly (it felt like out of left field), he started criticizing me. It was hurtful. I don't even know where it came from, because he was so complimentary to me in front of others.
Is this typical for a alcohol to pull stuff (out of the air) and start being hypercritical? I was in such shock, that I had a strange look on my face (which I couldn't control), so he said, "don't give me that look" and "look at me when I'm talking to you". I was just in shock! He hasn't even expressed that he's sorry about this to me. I haven't heard from him since yesterday.
The only thing that I could think of that made him upset with me was that, even though I am responsive to public displays of affection, I wasn't okay with french kissing/making out in front of his friend or the nice couple that we met, yet he keep wanting me to, and I would pull back and say, "not with your friend right here". It was rude and uncomfortable to his friend (I felt).
So, his final criticisms were that I was too sensitive, too serious, and we are not on the same page, so he is feeling himself pull away from me. Naturally, my response is, so you don't want to stay together? Then he responds, "of course I do, you misunderstand me, etc... I want to be with you, make love to you, you are very special to me, etc.... ". Then he made affectionate gestures.. touching my face like he adored me, etc. I was SO confused. He contradicts himself. I told him so, but he said, "no I don't". Then he wanted me to kiss him after that!
Is this typical behavior? I'm feeling so sad right now. We have a date for a sporting event with lots of friends tomorrow. Not a good time for us to talk at all, yet I don't even want to go after that.
Somebody with a lot of wisdom and experience will come along before long and post a good replyt for you.
In the meantime, I'm thinking if we tell you that is typical behavior, will that make it an acceptable way for anybody to treat you?
Blessings, Temple
I go w/Temple on this one.....does that make it acceptable???? I would think that if he treats me THIS way dating, marriage is gonna be a nightmare!!! alkies not in recovery get WORSE
I would get a sponsor, work the 12 steps, get in to meets and find out WHY i would consider a high risk relationship which has NO chance w/out recovery....
just my 2 cents.......i married 2 alkies and regretted both............now, since recovery, finding out my low self esteem issues that caused me to accept bad treatment and marry it, it won't happen to me again...........
i had a date, recently , a dinner date with a guy i thought I knew....we went to red lobster and had a good time, i thought.....we talked about the news, bunch of stuff...........then he askes me about again, i say "ok" then he starts criticizing me..........bringing up stuff "wrong" w/some of my views.......working my inventory.............i had been in recovery for a few months, going on a year and i told him that he had a right to his opinion, and i had the right to change my mind about a second date...........i told him i was not interested in seeing a guy who was trying to control me and critisize me......i told him i obviously was not a "fit" for him......
another case in point...........i get a call re: my resume.........the guy is all nice and sweet and all........and he says he will call me again for meeting face to face............i say ok, and let it go.........sure enough in a month or so, he calls me..........he tells me he wants a meet...........all i did was ask him for directions to his location.....he tells me and i ask him for clarification b/c where he was telling me is a funny intersection that i was vagely familiar.........he says to me "you sure talk a lot"...............i reply "you sure are rude and i don't do rude in my life"............i hung up.............later on , his wife called me and she said "yea, we dont like people who talk much"...........i told her that not to worry, i would never want to work for folsk who want *clarification* on HOW to drive to a strange place where that part of town is hard to navigate if you don't know exactly where you are going............
when i see red flags in a person.....dating..........business..........whatever.........i am "outta there".............i don't go back for desert...............i let my HP speak within me and i FOLLOW it
Critical? OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just touched the tip of the iceberg. Also: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? YOU BETCHA!!!!!!!!!! You are seeing the true colors of the disease talking. How about that?! hugs, J.
Welcome, I'm glad you are here, and want you to know you are in the right place. On this board and in the rooms of Al-Anon at face to face meetings you can find the help you need.
We do not give advice, only our experiences with the disease of alcoholism. Like your experience, anytime my alocholic was drinking her personality always changed. When we were in a group having fun everything would usually be O.K. On the way home or after we arrived home the alcohol would take over. She would become mean, vindictive, and I would wonder what "I" had done, what "I" had said wrong. I would end up being the one feeling guilty. The disease will make you crazy, mixed up, and confussed.
After a very long time I came to realize that it was the disease causing the change. It is a cunning, baffling, powerful, progressive, and sometimes deadly disease. Like you, it was hard to look someone in their eyes, and love them while they are saying hurtful things to you, that most of the time they will not even remember saying. The next day they may tell you they are sorry, that it won't happen again. And, it won't until the next time they drink too much. It continues over and over and we jump back on their roller coaster, and ride it again with our emotions. When I think back it was like watching a bad movie over and over even though you know exactly how it will end each and every time.
You can do nothing about your alocholic. He is either going to drink are not. He will not get better only worse as time goes on, unless he hits bottom, or seeks help. Only he can make that decision. We make excuses for them, justify their actions and sometimes even their verbal abuse. From time to time we think it must be our fault, what did we do to make them act this way toward us. You will soon learn in this program you did absolutely nothing. It is not you, it is the disease. Alcoholism will twist and confuse your mind, and we end up letting the disease consume us without realizing it. So, the question is what are you going to do?
That is where this program steps in. Al-Anon is for people whose lives have been affected by someones elses drinking. I have no need to ask if you fit that catagory. We can't stop, cure, or control their drinking, but we can start taking care of ourselves. Taking care of yourself first is the most important thing we are told when we walk through the door of Al-Anon.
Hanila, the best thing you can do for yourself is find a face to face Al-Anon meeting in your area. It is as easy as looking in your local phone book for the times and locations. There you will find people just like yourself who either are, or have been in your shoes. You are not alone. In the rooms of Al-Anon you will find the love and support you need from loving members. In the mean time read all you can about the disease, and keep coming back to this board. With this program you will be able to make better decisions about the direction to take you life. Remember, you deserve to be happy. Life is short.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 4th of July 2009 03:43:25 PM
Hi Hanila, welcome to the MIP message board. I'm sorry we've met under these circumstances but I'm glad you're here.
I'm currently untangling from a 16 year relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. Reading your post took me back in time about 15 1/2 years. I must say that I can NOW recognize that same behavior you were talking about with your friend as behavior that my ex-boyfriend used on me. Looking back I can see that he was testing me. If he acted controling and manipulative and I stayed, then he could increase the control and manipulation. If I left, well, game over, go find another one. Obviously, I stayed and have wondered for years "what I did wrong". Now I can see that I didn't do anything wrong except fall for an alcoholic. Of course, in time I've gotten more and more sick with my own co-dependency as he has with his disease. I wish I was in your shoes and could have known to run from this guy way back when. When I hadn't waisted 16 years working on a relationship that I was the only one involved in. Fortunately, I'm in Alanon now and have a great relationship with my HP, which I call God, and I'm moving forward.
My opinion only, but I would run as fast and as far from this guy as you can. Good luck.
Redfred
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You can't move forward while you're looking backward
"don't give me that look" and "look at me when I'm talking to you".
That statement would have me running for the hills! That's a red flag waving in your face as clear as can be, This guy is going to be very controlling and with that many times comes violence.
It does no good to try to figure them out. It's alcoholic behavior. You think things are going along just fine and then WHAM!! They are in a rage and there is no talking to them. My best suggestion..step back a bit and observe before getting entangled in a deep relationship. Attend a few meetings and see what you are dealing with. Then make the decision whether you think this is something you can deal with or not.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You said-------------so he said, "don't give me that look" and "look at me when I'm talking to you". I was just in shock! He hasn't even expressed that he's sorry about this to me. I haven't heard from him since yesterday.
rosie says --------i just saw this!!!!! oooooeeeeee that is scary.....control.....control....control......AND i see it as a prelude to abuse.......HUGE danger signals.........i am glad you saw it..........seeing it is first step...........if this were me???? i would be gone like a "big butt bird".......that kind of behaviour, from what i have heard in meets and other recovery mates, almost certainly leads to physical abuse........i would get into meetings/ steps/ sponsor and really really search my heart re: do i want to put myself in danger over some guy i am just dating???? the "dating" part is when they are putting their best foot forward.............marriage can ONLY get worse........i cannot , willnot advise anyone, but if it were me???? i would RUN!!!!!
i would cut my losses, thank my God for letting me see this now rather than be 'blind sighted" after marriage, like i was on my 1st ex....(he had quit....i didn't see the patterns as dry drunk b/c none in my family were ever dry).........i got fooled and almost a victim of battering.........had i stayed, the physical stuff was just "warming up"..........
On those alarming statements: "Don't give me that look!" and "Look at me when I'm talking to you."
Somebody on here said when a person shows you who he is, believe him.
I wish I could remember which poster to attribute it to, but decades of trying to "cope"with a dry drunk, who often acts like a normal person, has taken its toll on my memory. And lots of other parts of me.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I just got off the phone with my sponsor seeking some ESH on making choices that are right for me. I came here and found your post.
The message that I rec'd earlier today from my sponsor is that it is okay for me to set my boundaries and make decisions on what I need in my relationships. If someone is mistreating me or is not able to deliver on core values and foundations that are important to me, it is my choice to continue with them or not. Further to my choice, it is my responsibility - to myself.
Thank you so much for your responses. I have an update.
The next day, he sent me a text (only) to cancel our date (that we had planned for a few weeks). I thought he would have apologized and we'd make up. So, I asked him to call me.
He called the next day, only to say that he didnt' want to see me anymore, because he's a passionate person and I'm not on the same page (because I was a little timid about frenching in front of his friend). Thing is, I was crazy about him and wanted passion with him. Plus, he was mad at me for not buying him a drink after he bought me one.
Then he said that I wouldn't even kiss him after we returned to our cars (that's after he told me I was too sensitive, too serious and that he felt himself pulling away... all the criticisms, etc...). How could I kiss him after that? I was hurt.
Then he says, he's thinking about getting back with his ex. I got chocked up (trying to hold back tears). So, he said (in an unfriendly/uncaring tone) "I can't talk to you if your going to get upset"...and he hung up in my face.
I'm so depressed, I haven't been able to stop crying. All I could think was, why was he so cruel to me (when I was crazy passionate for him) and did he ever treat his ex this way? Why did he love and treat her well and treat me so badly?
Does it sound like these are actions of an alcoholic? If so, do you think he'll ever apologise? Do you think he might come back? Up until this date, he acted crazy about me. The weird thing is, I was so happy and having such a good time with him that day. This is why I was so floored by his response at the end.
p.s. he never ACTS drunk (although, he always drinks). I know that he admitted to me one night, by phone, that he is an alcoholic, only to withdraw those thoughts later.
When he drinks too much, he mostly repeats himself a lot.
He was drinking (like everyone else) the afternoon that we were together on this last date. However, he was just as mean 2 days later. Is his behavior still affected by being an alcoholic, by how he treated me and responded and acted? Thanks.
How are you so sure he treated his ex so well? They are no longer together. It's quite possible he did the same things to her and that is why they are not together any longer.
Drunk or not, the way he treated you is not part of a healthy relationship, and his behavior does sound like it could lead to violence in the future, in particular if he is drunk.
