The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first visit to this site, and I have a feeling I'm at the right place, but perhaps the reason I'm here is "denial?" All I can say is that I'm afraid my husband may be an alcoholic, and after thorough research into the subject, I'm very afraid for him and for me. Perhaps I need for some of you to justify my serious concerns. Please tell me this behavior is not normal (???):
My husband drinks beer pretty much every night. This afternoon we had friends over for 4th of July, and he started drinking beer about 2 hours before guests arrived, and he continuosly "downed" beers until he finally fell asleep on the couch. Earlier when awake, he'd try to get his buddies to drink more, but they slowed down while he kept drinking while acting stupidly obnoxious and embarrassing me. His eyes looked very scary; his speech was slurred.
Finally, while our last guest was here, he fell asleep on the couch with a rum drink in his hand.
About 2 weeks ago we went out for a celebration, and he drank at least 20 beers---he always gets that scary look in his eyes. Often I will not go out with him because I don't care for his behavior.
I, myself, sip a few glasses of wine or a couple of mixed drinks, but am fine and don't get drunk.
He can get very mean when he comes home after 6-7 hours of partying and say cruel things to me. He once pinned me down on the floor while talking nonsense.
The "Morning After...," he hardly recalls the previous night, but is quick to apologize and tell me "it won't happen again...," but it eventually does.
I have had to go looking for him and carry him out of a bar; he has come home in the middle of the night and runs the shower for 4-5 hours and lays on the shower floor.
Underlying reason? Gosh, I can't help but wonder if he is hurt by the 'so-called' strained relationship with his mother. He kept our marriage a secret from her, and the news finally came out, and he's having a hard time with the fact that she does not call him as much as before. I tried to get him to be upfront and honest with her from the very beginning, but he would not listen. I get the feeling, as much as he denies it, that it really hurts deep down, so he turns to drinking.
Another incident that occurred several months ago while he was traveling was that he was picked up for "public intoxication" in a public restroom! He explained to me that he was extremely sleepy and fell asleep while in the restroom (???) Is this normal??? Right now he is sleeping, and I dare not wake him up until he awakes 2morrow and sober!!!
We want desperately to have children, but my instincts tell me that his behavior is not "normal," and that he IS an alcoholic! His father was an alcoholic and I think died due to his alcoholism. I, myself, had a father, whom I did not grow up with, that was an alcoholic.
I am sure more will be along to share thier experience strength and hope with you. What I would like to tell you is that I believe you have found the right place. Alanon is for friends and family of people whose lives are affected by anothers drinking or drugging. It doesnt require that we say our loved one is an alcoholic, just that OUR life is affected by anothers drinking. On that note from your post i can say it sounds like you fit that category. We come to Alanon to get help for ourselves and to learn better ways of dealing with the problems that come into our life as a result of a drinker.
I know a lot of people are quick to want an answer to "is my husband an alcoholic?" but truely that is his to determine. I hope you continue to seek out alanon, within alanon you will find a fellowship of people who will understand your concerns and the problems without judgement. We have all been there so to speak.
We are not here to give advice, BUT we will share what we have learned and then you take what you like and leave the rest. You are in the right place; I hope you keep coming back!
Look to see if you can find any alanon meetings near you to attend. Read up on alcoholism if you can. There is lots of info out there and once I started reading about it I learned that many of his behaviors were because he was an alcoholic.
One of the first things I learned when I came was the 3 C's. We can not Cure it, we did not Cause it and we can not Control it.
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Saturday 4th of July 2009 09:42:48 AM
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Your husband certainly has the earmarks of having a drinking problem. I believe your instincts are correct. Alanon can teach you how to deal with the problem. Part of our side of the disease is enabling. Enabling is described as doing for them what they can do themselves. This includes making excuses for their behavior (to friends or the workplace), rescuing them, buying their booze, picking them up when they're in trouble, bailing them out of jail..you get the picture. Reason being is the longer they are enabled, the longer it takes them to hit bottom. It's very difficult to hit bottom when someone is always sticking a pillow under their butt to soften the blow. We attempt to make the alcoholic responsible for all their actions and to suffer the consequences..just like any other adult. We tend to think we are helping or saving them when we try to control a situation. The irony is when we prolong the addiction in this way, the truth is we are helping them die from the disease. Arm yourself with as much info as possible by attending meetings in your area. Most of us find the progressive disease too difficult to deal with on our own. It is a progressive desease and in turn our sanity and rational thinking eventually goes out the window.
Our program focuses on you. What you can do differently to get you through. How you can respond instead of react. How to deal with the antics of the alcoholic..and much, much more. I went to Alanon 10+ yrs ago and decided it wasn't what I needed. Five yrs later I was in the same boat with my alcoholic only the boat was sinking fast due to disease progression. I came back and was ready to do what I needed to do to survive the insanity. The support from literally a nation full of Alanon people brought me to a different way of thinking and thank HP, a different way of life.
keep coming back Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I thank each of you for your insightful feedback! I went back and read more about Al-Anon, and as you pointed out, this group supports the family members and friends affected by the "alcoholic's behavior..." I am currently living overseas and will need to research to see if there are any support groups for Americans; otherwise, I may need to rely on the online support groups.
I will continue to delve into Al-Anon and read to come to a clear understanding of the effects of this nasty disease!
Right now I am wondering HOW to approach my husband--obviously when he is sober--about the effects of his drinking on our relationship. I'm also thinking of all the liquor/booze we have in the house and how much I want to get rid of it all! I definitely don't need to be "enabling" by even having a glass of wine with him in the evenings!
I've read here that "threats" are not the appropriate tactic, e.g. "I'll leave you if...."; "I'll do this if..."; that is, unless I am serious about following through on my word (?) There is SO MUCH I want to say to him when he's sober, but I'm not sure where to start because I'm so angry, hurt, disappointed...
I understand what Al-Anon is about, but in addition to getting support for MYSELF, I need to figure out HOW to help him, what to say. Yes, I need to work on myself, but meanwhile, how can I help him? Then again, I believe you all (and Al-Anon) have given me the answer already. It's very scary. I stop and think back to when we first met, and truthfully most of our dates involved alcohol. I went on drinking binges back then. But when we were separated by distance, I noticed I was not drinking as much, but once we moved in together, I realized we always had alcohol in the house, and I noticed that I was even drinking more. However, I've seen and witnessed the effects on human behavior, as well as the physical effects on the body, and it's just not worth it!
He seems to be disappointed when I don't drink with him, then cheers me on when I do have a drink. Why is it that some of us can "handle" our drinking while others CAN'T??
Wow, I've been up reading all night, and I truely understand that this is INDEED a DISEASE!
Thank you so much for allowing me to share and especially for sharing your insight with me! I'm not so alone here.
"Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drews, volume one. Is book that I swear can answer all your questions and more.
At the top of the message board, our humble servant Mod. Tom aka Canadian Guy,is offering to send one to anyone who asks.
Yes your husband has from you share, many of the symptoms of being an addict. There are pill drug addicts, heroin, cocaine, alcohol, meth, etc.
He is also an abuser. VERY dangerous. From my experience, I went to a woman's group here in Oregon for victims of abuse. This is NOT a symtom of being an addict. It is criminal behavior.
Hon if he will put you on the ground, he will kill you. He has crossed that line. Sounds like more than once. He will kill you because the line means nothing, and he is so intoxicated, his preponderance for abuse can be let out with no feeling of guilt. NOTHING IS THERE TO STOP HIM!!!
I am telling you from my and many others experience, he is dangerous. We tend to lighten it because his disease makes us sick too.
The disease of addiction gets worse. Unless the addict gets help, on their own, it will get worse until it kills them. If one gets help and "works" on a recovery program, then it is in remission. Relapse is part of the recovery sadly.
Then if and when they relapse their body and mind starts up right where it was before relapse.
Also when the stop using, they are at the age they started using.
After reading your share, from that situation itself would you want your babies any where close to that?
Most abusers do not stop. If they do, they relapse too.
PLEASE, it is my experience, not to ever take this behavior lightly. I invite you to feel the same.
I am so glad you are here. It was a major step in your path to miracles! I mean that seriously!
Welcome, welcome! You are not alone at all. There is almost always someone here at the board, or in the chat room.
I have been part of MIP many years. If you ever want my phone number, click on my name, go to my private email and email me or send me a private message.
Going to throw ya the super glue,so you come here and stick!
Welcome and I hope you keep coming back. My experience has been one of involvement with a lot of alcoholics, brothers, father, mother, step mother and from an early age. I was in denial about forms of enabling, alcholicsm and other factors until about three years ago, when the disease threw me in the deep end of insanity. I had to become aware of the three Cs and like you started to question certain behaviours which I found unusual. I learned to keep the focus on me and this has helped me a great deal. I wish you well take care of you.
If you can get to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP and tell your story you will find much help for yourself. I believe you will feel tremendous relief after your 1st meeting. It is important that you take care of yourself and your safety.
Sounds to me like his drinking is increasing and so is the the chance of violence toward you. Unfortunately the disease is progressive. It gets worse until the drinker seeks recovery.
It may be helpful to have a quiet and thoughtful non-confrontational and even loving morning-after conversation with him. When he swears it will not happen again, you might remind him that he has said that before and that you love him and are concerned for him. This might be the perfect moment to tell him you know where he can find help today. That would be AA.
Thank you for the warm welcome! I actually have talked to him the "day after" and actually on a couple of other "sober" occasions, and he seems to understand the impact of his drinking on himself and us. I was very serious with him and told him I could not and would not live with an alcoholic, and in a "non-confrontational" and caring manner, I brought up previous incidents. I told him that I loved him, but hated his behavior and feared for his life and our relationship. I was also very stern in what I had to say. For once he did not deny it when I told him I felt he was an alcoholic... I realize that 'actions speak louder than words', and only time will tell. There've been a few occasions since that where he's been tempted to grab a beer, but he sees the look in my eyes... I told him that I considered throwing out all the alcohol we have in our kitchen. He said that was fine with him, but I know he'd have a problem if I threw out all his beer. I realize it's a pattern, and although he seems very sincere now, we shall see.....
