The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hy husband is an alcoholic. He has tried AA and claims it doesn't work for him. Makes him feel like drinking more. He has tried to quit for about 5 years now. His older brother died of alcoholism and he says he's doomed to be just like him. The past 2 weeks he has gotten drunk every night - very drunk. I miss him so much and I am so lonely. I have tried Al Anon meetings but they didn't seem to help me learn how to deal with him when he was drunk so I found it very confusing. I know I need to detach and all that but it is so hard. I am trying to reach out to my friends and try other things to do but I am so sad. We've been married for 17 years. I know he has to help himself and I can't do anything for him. He told me the other night he will never stop drinking. Right now he is playing his XBox, drinking at 10:00 at night - his XBox is so terrible for him - he gets raging drunk when he plays it. Thanks for listening. I just don't know what to do. Leave the house when he's drinking? Ignore him completely?
You are in the right place! If you didn't like the other meetings try some new ones. You just have to keep coming back sharing and listening to others. Don't expect miracles over night and remember progress not perfection.
We are not here to tell you what to do. I would never leave just because someone is drunk or ignore them completely. Just go about your business and do what YOU want to do. Don't worry about him, don't argue with him. As you keep coming back you will learn how to deal with this. I thought it was never possible, but after 7 months and I am learning and feeling better!!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I am in the same boat, Melissa, except that he is my fiance. It hasn't been a huge problem really but then again I find myself making excuses. I came here to start figuring it out the best way.
Please go back to Al-Anon and quickly , u need support from people who understand exactly how your feeling . One meeting is not enough to see if we can help . Al-Anon is for you and about you , anything u learn in our program is to make u feel better not to change him . AA isnt for him because he is not ready to get honest . AA is for people who want change not for those who need it . there is nothing u can do about him he will drink until he is done -- period . Get the focus back on yourself where it belongs YOU u can change . and the beauty of this program for me is that you don't have to leave the alcoholic to do it . If your want change you have to be willing to create it . You cannot wait for him to change , the cost to you is way too high . Once settled in our program you are never alone again , unless of course u choose to be . Louise
I felt just like you 18 months ago I loved my partner so much new he was a good person but he was drunk all the time and doing the most terrible things, which he would always regret the next day. I was in so much pain watching his miserable existance. They say in Al anon go to 6 meetings and if you decide it is not for you they will give you your misery back. The meeting you attended may have not been the right one for you please try another I carnt put into words what my meeting have given me. Like you I used to pour my heart out to friends but they did not understand how could they! this is why meetings and coming on her are vital for me I get to talk to people who really understand who are living with the same pain as me. There is a saying in one of the al anon books if you was on a plane and it got into trouble you would have to put your own oxygen mask on before seeing to the masks of the people you love. I had to get better my partners drinking was killing me as well as him. So I went to Al anon meetings as often as I could. I came on here constantly, I read Al anon literature and even went to conventions after a while. I can not tell you how much better my life is. I got better and better and I think my partner was astounded by the changes I started focusing on me and my life this left him to look at himself he knew I wasnt going to try asnd fix him anymore I was to busy fixing me. He went into AA 3 months agao. Like your partner and you he had tried meetings and said it was not for him but he finally found a group were he was comfortable and gave it a chance. I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN DO THE SAME> Hope this helps.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I strongly urge you to go back to the meetings. This whole experience is way to overwhelming to figure it out on your own. Don't give up on the meetings. Keep going back. If this particular meeting isn't for you (that happened to me), then find another one.
AA demands total honesty. As does our recovery. I know very few people who have succeeded with their sobriety on their own. My father in law did it with the help of his church. Another friend did it with a different type of program. The point is there was some kind of program that they stuck with. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if the addict chooses recovery or not. Recovery is absolutely possible. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. But you can't do it alone. You the the love and support of people who have been right where you are now. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((SMY))) I know something of what you're going though. Probably everyone here does. I don't have much advice but here's how it's worked out for me so far with Al-anon.
The first few meetings I went because I couldn't figure out what else to do, and a few of them were so awful I'd never be back (lots of Bible, which just isn't for me) but I'm lucky enough to live in a metropolitan area so there were others to pick from.
They didn't give too much advice- just the "Dos and Don'ts" (I put them at the end in case you haven't heard them- only one of the meetings I went to mentions them.)
Eventually I got comfortable and I went just for the feeling of support and acceptance- I had isolated myself from so many people because they thought I was crazy for putting up with what I was putting up with and I just couldn't bear to lay it on them any more, (and yet it was all I could think about- it was hard to talk about anything else except for superficially).
And then eventually the ideas have started trickling into my brain. It's sort of like learning a language by immersion instead of being taught. You hear something now that rings a bell, and then something else and then something else and people tell about what things worked for them and eventually you start figuring it out. And like learning a language you make mistakes and you try things out by parroting and pretending "as if" I already believed what they were saying and finally it starts to actually make sense (sometimes) and work.
I'm no great example. As soon as I feel anything better than awful I think "well, thank god I'm through THAT!" and slack off on my program and then everything falls apart again. So for myself I have to keep going and keep going.
Well, my point is, try a bunch of meetings. Find one you don't hate as much as the rest LOL and then stick around awhile. People whose lives are 100x worse than mine (addict sons and daughters! suicides!) and they're doing okay, actually. They credit Al-anon for it, so I'm sticking around because I want what they have.
Well, THAT turned into something long. Sorry about that.
In the end, take care of yourself. We can't be a help to anyone if we don't, and that's a fact.
DO: Forgive Be honest with yourself Be humble Take it easy--tension is harmful Play--find recreation and hobbies Keep on trying whenever you fail Learn the facts about alcoholism Attend Al-Anon meetings often Pray
DON'T: Be self-righteous Try to dominate, nag, scold and complain Lose your temper Try to push anyone but yourself Keep bringing up the past Keep checking up on the alcoholic Wallow in self-pity Make threats you don't intend to carry out Be over-protective Be a doormat
Hi, I am new here and also so sad . I have never gone to a face to face meeting and find it very difficult to do so. I am not even one year married yet and am full of confusion and sadness. My only consolation is I am now starting to see that I am not alone and while I doubt I will ever go to an alanon meeting I am going to stay with this site and hopefully learn to be happy again. I can't offer you any advice as I am so confused myself but I hope that you find dome comfort and that things get better. Sorry for not being of any help but your title just hit home with me because it describes me.
Sometimes I sound like a "used car salesman" with this pitch, but to you (and the other newbies that responded to your post - I'd encourage you to pick up a copy of the book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. If you can't afford one, look at the top of the board, and I will send you one for free.... This book will answer sooooo many of your questions, and give you a good start on the road ahead for you....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've only been here a week or so. I was in complete despair and feeling desperate. My wife drinks, a lot. And is now 5 months pregnant, and she still won't completely stop.
But, in such a short period of time, i have become hooked on this place. It's given me so much confidance. I now know that i'm not wierd, or stupid. I chat to people in the chat room everyday, who have pretty much gone through everything I've gone through.
AND, I now plan to go to my first F2F next week. If you told me that a week ago, i would not have believed you. I have no expectations, other than it MAY help. If it doesn't... it was worth a go. Because, for me, in 11 yrs, nothing has worked.
If Al anon, does one thing, it's that, it removes that sense of isolation and lonelyness, that we all feel day in day out. If only for a few minutes at a time.
The best suggestion I can give you is to get your self to some meetings. If you're not yet ready for f2f (face to face) meetings, there are 2 per day in the chat room most days during the week.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). I strongly urge you to go back to the meetings. This whole experience is way to overwhelming to figure it out on your own. Don't give up on the meetings. Keep going back. If this particular meeting isn't for you (that happened to me), then find another one. 
